This week's American Idol Results show is probably the best ever taped. The End.
Closeup of a shiny mic on a stand with no one behind it.
Best performance of the season!
Seriously, have you just listened to silence, lately? Last night I stared at a wall in my living room for over an hour in silence and it was better than my favorite show, Medium. Maybe I just need to find a new favorite show.
The Apprentice music starts pumping behind sound clips of the judges talking about how. Important. This show is. The most dramatic music is saved for Gums Giraud's newest forehead baby.
Wear a condom, forehead!
This week, instead of the contestant's faces morphing into each other, they are turning their heads real quick. In this lighting, Hambert looks like he's turning into Melissa Rivers.
And give Chola back her bangs, lez!
Shots of the audience. Gee I wonder if Doogie's there. Doogie, Jesus. IT'S ON TV. TAPE IT. And look! It's the girl who got kicked off a couple weeks ago. Get back to your child, slut! She's sitting next to Castro, who's just there passing around a hat for people to put money in. Why are they there? It looks like Anoop's frat friends are laughing at them from behind, which is really funny to me for some reason.
Tink announces that there were over one billion hamburgers sold last night and that Lady Gaga is here. Skara's face is like BFD. I am starting to like her.
Yay. Maybe next week we'll get the not famous half of Wham.
While we're on the subject of Skara, let's talk. This recap is being posted a whopping two days after the show and my excuse is that I was staring at a wall, ok? GET OFF MY ASS. Anyway, I've had time to read after show gossip and it was very enlightening. US mag is reporting that the one yelling "broken record!" and "package artist!" was Megan Doi's brother! LOL. The article says Skara went up to him at the break and asked why he was yelling that at his sister and he informed her that the "broken record" was at her and "package artist" is all she says. The best part is that Skara went up and confronted him and then walked off with her body guards all pissed off, asking other audience members "can you believe what he said to me?!??" HAHA. The article also mentions that Paula got all pissed that Skara told Ellen D. on her show that the other judges talked about contestants' wardrobes too much, and Simon and Paula are now doing their best to ignore her on national television. LOVE. IT. Love it. And US? It's subscription time. Read the full article here.
Back to the show. Randy has dropped the Mr. Rogers sweater for his trademark fug sweater.
I was starting to get worried.
Skara looks like she's been t.p.ed by Doi's brother.
And Paula has a new wig. Tink asks what she's got under the table tonight and her answer is disturbing.
Simon is in his usual "I don't give a f" pose, but tonight he looks like a cute little cherub.
AW!!! Pinch those little cheekums.
Randy was surprised that the contestants sang lame songs when they could have chosen anything, but who cares about that? Let's get to Skara. Tink asks her how she feels about being heckled, and she says it's nothing compared to the badly spelled death threats Paula writes in lipstick on her dressing room toilet paper rolls.
Paula tries to justify saying Hambert shattered expectations with possibly one of the lamest songs ever sung on this show, but all she does is slur and stutter and make no sense, as per ushe. She tries to ignore Simon, who's just sitting back and laughing at her idiocy. Simon says the ones who should be worried tonight are Gums, Anoop, and Doi. Doi is highly amused by this, because one thing she's got is
FAAAAANS!
Today's Ford commercial mixes up all the contestants body parts with each other. I cross my fingers for a shot of Little with Confused Dandelion hair, but it never comes. BOOOO. Wait! Doi lucks out and gets the cut of a lifetime.
That hair would have prevented teen pregnancy. Just saying.
Blind Guy is even off rhythm and lyrics in a lipsunk ad, and Church Lady doesn't look remotely cute even with a third of his face. But this shot is downright disturbing.
Krispy Twink looks pretty good as a strong black woman, though.
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Comments (32)
Wow, what an awesome suckfest this show was. Every week I think that Idol can't suck anymore than it does, and the next week they suck to all new depths.
It's amazing. This is the most popular show in the States? How is this possible? 36 million votes!
I'm glad Megan's gone though. Because there's something about this show that makes me hate every person on it just a little bit more each week. And it was kind of hard to, uh, appreciate Megan this week.
But I like how they brought out that midget Lady freak to do what was basically an over-the-top impersonation of Megan.
That leaves just Glambert to root for--although he seems to be getting more and more tired. Sucks being over 40.
Still, I'm hoping he'll make it to the final and show up in full drag for it.
I'd love to see him kick Gokey's ass. What a nasty piece of work he is. Fucking douchebag.
Although I'd like to see Gokey win-- they'll turn him into a deflated robo-singer, just like they did to Cook.
1 of 32 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 3, 2009 4:38 PM
For once in my life I'm not last . . . Yay!!!!
The caw caw swoop was too rich, and I was surprised what a big puss Simon was when she didn't care . . . oh boo hoo hoo, cry over your millions, biotch--and that's what you get for pushing this "package artist" in the first place . . .
I enjoyed the GaGa, made me think of Freddy Mercury a tad in the beginning, and that was an acoustic version of Poker Face at the start, albiet, a weird one. I had thought she was unattractive and hiding behind crazy get ups, but honestly, she looked very pretty in the close up, zipper eyed ending. My friend saw her show and gave her mad props. She writes and sings live, imagine . . .
I still like Cook, but that song and performance were weak.
I truly find the results FF able, esp the Tink calling out parts, just blip that DVR, you'll be done in 20!
I'm glad Noop Dawg got served, and I'd never have imagined that album was one of the best selling of all time, is it me!? I like Usher, but his stuff of late is the same generic sheite everyone's processing.
I read Caw's exit interview on EW, who also have behind the scenes reporting, and mentioned the Scara incident. She's just loopy, i guess, and I thought she was better in the exit song, I got it better than the previous night, that's fer sure!
They should have saved Alexis, that tour is going to be so unbalanced unless they have the Les sing with the girls.
I wonder if the song he couldn't get approved was "Sweet Child of Mine"--you know that super contemporary song, Dawgs!
Glad you liked your wall viewing, Flip, we love you for all you do!!!!! xoxoxoxxxo's from all of us!!!!
2 of 32 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 3, 2009 4:49 PM
Yay, I'm not last either! Juddfan, I heard that the song Adam wanted to do was Crazy; the Gnarls Barkley one, I assume, not Patsy Cline, but with Hambert one never knows... And sorry if there's a newer Crazy song I don't know about.
I didn't watch the results show when it was a half hour, and now that it's a full hour blowfest, much less. Why should I, when I have Flipit? That way, instead of feeling that my soul has just been sucked out by Ford and Coca Cola through my ass, I get to exercise my abs by trying to not laugh explosively at each and every damn caption. Thanks for the service, Flipit.
3 of 32 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on April 3, 2009 5:39 PM
haven't read your recap yet...just had to say that i loved this episode...so many great things! let's see what you caught and the things i loved that you overlooked...
4 of 32 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 3, 2009 5:59 PM
Great recap as always...great screencap of anoop's kris.
interesting that you liked megan tonight...when i saw her, i really was glad she was going home...i laughed so hard when Simon said in advance that they wouldn't save her.
loved that you caught how akward scott was on the piano, but there was another funny scott part in that song that you missed...if you can find the performance on youtube, watch scott at the very start...he looks so goofy.
Did anyone notice that Megan forgot her words for a second during her song?
the impressions of danny were hilarious...and anoop's was pretty spot on too.
5 of 32 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 3, 2009 6:25 PM
Great recap, as usual --I've been reading you forever, but rarely rarely post.
Two things: I had heard that Adam's song was supposed to be "Don't Stop believing" by Journey, the same one they did the group sing to, which is why he had to change it.
And, I thought was Megan said to Chola wasn't "Don't forget to call", but "Don't forget to caw". She had a whole "Caw" thing going, she cawed, the others cawed at her, and she said it to someone else, too... Which made me think this was an inside joke for the contestants, but made me ever more annoyed at Megan.
Who was ridiculous...
6 of 32 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 3, 2009 7:32 PM
Hilarious! You did it again! I loved it! I'm glad Megan is gone. She really wasn't talented at all and it looked like she was dancing angrily during her swan song like, "I'm gonna show you!" She's crazy. Probably a nice girl, but she can't sing.
And why wasn't Alexis Grace home with her baby?! Boo! Go home already!
7 of 32 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 3, 2009 9:12 PM
I'm not done yet, but Flip, I appreciate my shout out. Love ya!
8 of 32 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 3, 2009 9:30 PM
Alright, awesome recap Flip and yeah, this week was hilarious.
I am going to have to agree with you about certain things about Cook.
Firstly, I HATE that song. I've loved almost all of his other stuff, but that song is so...ugh. And the music video is pretty puke-worthy. Lame.
Secondly, I also HATE the guyliner. He's been getting back to his usual look since he broke up with that skank Kimberly Caldwell. He looked so...douchey for quite awhile after Idol, but now he's back to his roots.
And I still think he's very good looking, even though you clearly don't...haha. But he's self-depricating about that, I like it.
He's still about 100x better than any of these idiot contestants. Except maybe Adam, whom I also love.
And the band was his actual band. A couple of them, Andy Skib and Neal Tiemann, are from Cook's old band, the MidWest Kings. And yes, I do know that much about Cook. Shut up.
And I still love him because he's so sweet - after receiving that record, he brought it down to his Mom during the commercial break. How can you NOT love him?
....
Alright, Cook love over. For now.
I hope Scott, Lil, Anoop and Danny go next, in that order. Then Kris, then Matt and then have the final 2 be Allison and Adam. Yessss....
9 of 32 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 3, 2009 9:48 PM
So glad I don't have to watch the whole thing - since I can rely on you! THANKS!!
I don't hate Megan, as a fellow human being, but am glad I no longer have to FF past her. No one would want to see me sing, (or dance) either, but then, I'm not taking up valuable(?) air time.
10 of 32 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 4, 2009 9:52 AM
Great recap, Flip!
All I could think was Cookie is still eye-raping the camera. "Special needs face & conehead" -- bwahahahahaha!
That Lady Gaga chick is a weird combo of Freddie Mercury/Britnee & Madonna wannabe, tho I was surprised to see how cute & petite she is in person, in spite of that overlong frozen moment at the end. And the spastic rain dace (sorry to all spastics everywhere).
I read that Lady Gaga (not having ever heard of her) was called out by the British press for trying to copy (one of) Aguilera's looks - with a long straight platinum blonde wig with blunt bangs. I think Aguilera looked liek this for about 5 seconds... But Gaga's alleged response was that Aguilera was copying HER.
Yeah, right...
OKAY -- (apologies - I posted some of this in newsgasm) -- I was afraid Megan would never leave! I NEVER saw what the judges saw in her, except her somewhat unique style of (largely tuneless) singing and her very appealing face and figure.
That arm ink that BLANKETS her right arm, tho? UGH! FUGLY as anything.
Why oh why do pretty girls grafitti themselves like this? WHY?
Okay, I do have my suspicions (granted - complete & wild speculation on my part) that little Megan is a victim of child abuse which *might* explain the weird, off-kilter facial expressions; the child out of wedlock at a young age(not necessarily the product of said abuse); and the body defacement.
But then again, I have a pretty wild imagination.
And the way she shimmied all the time - BARF!
Last week we wanted "Blindy, Oily and Wriggly" to go.
Two outa three...
11 of 32 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 4, 2009 11:34 AM
georgiababe - I don't agree with you that Cookie is self-deprecating at all. It's all an act and he clearly thinks he's top shit.
12 of 32 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 4, 2009 11:36 AM
Oh, one more thing -- what's with all this "Baby, I'm coming home CRAP?"
We all know the top 10 have been press-ganged into a gruelling tour.
Seeing the losers in the audience is proof positive that NO ONE GOES HOME -- they just go back to their cells & sob.
13 of 32 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 4, 2009 11:39 AM
Cook had exactly the same sort of smugness as the Church Lady. And they're both ugly as sin. Although Church Lady's head is as misshapen as Cook's. Then again, Cook doesn't have manboobs. Ya win some, ya lose some.
The sweet revenge is that Cook is forced to sing these awful songs to audiences filled with horny 50 year old women. (Which isn't a bad thing when you're fifty....)
I'm pretty sure that Megan has hinted that she has a real lack of confidence in herself. Not sure if that's the same as being abused, but I think a lot of her act was based on having no confidence in herself -- if she really believed in her potential, she would have been much more earnest about it, and probably would have tried harder.
Shame about the arm though. Kids these days.
14 of 32 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 4, 2009 12:59 PM
Oops. I meant "Church Lady's head is NOT as misshapen as Cook's".
I read a suggestion somewhere that they were holding Megan's kid hostage and wouldn't let her see him/her unless she tanked her performances and got booted off.
But surely now that she and the skinny not-so-hot one are out, they let them see their kids?
15 of 32 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 4, 2009 1:02 PM
This episode made me feel kind of angry.
I thought Megan had gone through a divorce. (?) Did she have the kid out of wedlock, then get married, then get a Mormon divorce? No matter.. I don't care. I'm just glad she's gone. Telling Simon she doesn't care what he thinks is basically telling the viewers the same thing. Well guess what, Megan? Back atcha.
Kris is my new favorite, followed next by the redheaded teenage girl. Adam makes me cringe.
16 of 32 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 4, 2009 1:11 PM
OH - you know what, I have no idea if Megan had her child out of wedlock!! I should never have made that assumption.
I don't judge young single mothers. Well, maybe just a little bit... dumbasses.
Girls -- I'm begging you -- be SMART! Use protection ALWAYS, be COMPOS MENTIS when you are doing the deed and don't let guys pressure you into anything you don't wanna do, especially if you are feeling a little groggy (see Thelma & Louise).
17 of 32 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 4, 2009 1:17 PM
Oh, and I agree with Oprah (shock!)
LOVE DOESN'T HURT.
18 of 32 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 4, 2009 1:18 PM
Mormon divorce? Is that like a Methodist divorce? A Methodist divorce is where one spouse kills the other spouse so they can properly remarry in the eyes of the church. So Megan killed her out of wedlock baby daddy? I definitely see a Lifetime movie in there somewhere...
19 of 32 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on April 5, 2009 7:03 AM
DMG:
It is not all an act. I have met Cook (in Toronto) and he was incredibly sweet and very genuine.
20 of 32 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 5, 2009 10:23 AM
uh, if VFTW is SO powerful and SO influential how come Meagan went home? Can one of you geeks that belong to this passive/aggressive group explain?
I found two things in your recap FUNNY:
1) "Oh, go plant a fuckin' tree."
and
2) That stuff about eating a $5 Little Caesars Pizza while the idols were living it up like The Beverly Hillbillies. That was so, so sad but FUNNY!
FYI: I got a fortune in a fortune cookie once. The fortune in the fortune cookie said, "There is still time to change the course of your life."
I'm just putting that out there.
21 of 32 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 5, 2009 10:25 AM
@ georgiababe:
"It is not all an act. I have met Cook (in Toronto) and he was incredibly sweet and very genuine."
hmmmnnnnnn. I guess I'll have to take your word for that (*not* being facetious).
HEY -- last night we had dinner with some good friends we hardly see and it turns out they have known Scott for ages!
Apparently he says that Adam is really nice guy.
From memory (we all drank a fair bit...) my friend said that apparently Scott reckons that all of the contestants are genuinely nice but that Gorkey (sp?) is a bit conceited.
Scott also apparently said they all work with stylists but they still get to choose what they wear. But I think we all knew that anyway.
I wish I had more to report (this is all so third-hand, anyway), but I was throwing the dinner party and was in and out of the kitchen a little bit (as little as possible, but you know how it is when you're hosting a dinner party).
22 of 32 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 5, 2009 2:07 PM
Alexis Grace did come home to Memphis, did some personal appearances, TV, radio, etc., then flew back for the show. One can presume she managed to spend some quality time with her little one. It's just a shame she didn't make the top ten and the summer tour.
I, too, hope the finale includes Adam and Allison as the last two standing. At least they're edgy.
And I luvs me some Lady Gaga. What a powerhouse voice! Prefer "Just Dance" to "Poker Face", but I look forward whatever she puts out next.
23 of 32 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on April 5, 2009 8:37 PM
Well, don't believe me, then. I don't care.
I just prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt. I ran into him (and the other Idols - they were there for the tour) completely accidentally and even though they didn't have much time, they were all very gracious.
24 of 32 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 6, 2009 9:23 AM
Great recap, Flipit! Have to agree with you on The Greatest AI Results Show Ever bit: This show was crazy.
1. Starting with Randy. He's surprised that these yabos made the wrong song choice? Where has he *been* since the beginning of this cycle? None of these guys are particularly great at picking out songs they can sing. Even Ham, who could probably sing "Nessun Dorma" Sarah Brightman-style if he wanted to. (Please, don't, Ham. It wasn't a challenge.)
2. The commercial was either sheer genius or someone in marketing confused Paula's happy pills for aspirin after the headache that was last week and actually thought it would be fun to stick Anoop's head on a female body. Poor Noop; he really can't win for losing. I'm sure he'd rather have had Lil's tire head or even Danny's spare tire.
3. And the commercial twiggery didn't end there? Doi's Mullet From Hell = Atrocious meeting of Kenny G and Michael Bolton genetic code. Spliced with the pattern that makes Liza's chin because there are few things could make the bastard love child of Gee and Bolton look even more tragic and impotence inducing. WTF was Ham wearing in that commercial? What self-respecting queen wakes up and decides to don a shirt that is clearly molting? Bad Hambert.
4. Have to agree w/ Krispy pulling off the black woman look better than Anoop's feeble attempt at being a stick insect. Loved that Krispy had Hambert's top half, but maintained one of his own eyebrows? It fits seemlessly w/ Ham's which means ... Ham and Krispy are Eyebrow Twins! Aw.
5. Anoop in drag. Still boggles the mind.
6. I was really disappointed that Randy didn't help out with don't stop believing. :( Lame, Randy.
7. Lady Ga Ga -- *I* must have ingested some of Paula's Happy Pills. Acid trip! I felt how Paula must have felt all the time. What the hell zipper eye, wigged out hair, huh?
8. Not-so-much-a-lady Caw Caw: Glad you're gone you loon. Loved your snippy lines to Simon and his snippy lines back. Hated the annoying cawing cawing. I wish you well even as I despair for poor itchy loosing your pair. Hey, itchy, Lil's were out and completely supported. Impressive!
25 of 32 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:17 AM
sayhuh: Could Ham's some have been Britney Spear's "Crazy"? 'Cause that would have been two hoots and a hollar.He already wears about as much makeup as La Spears. I would love to see him don a school girl outfit. Fun!
Or it could be Aerosmith's "Crazy." He would have fun with that one, and Paula would have had one of her bizarre ejaculations b/c she had compared him to Steven Tyler just the other week right? Or was that Skara?
Alanis Morrisette also had a song called "Crazy" but she's a bit too low key for Adam.
26 of 32 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:23 AM
Alanis Morisette's Crazy was a re-make of Seal's Crazy.
Gnarls Barkley wouldn't allow AI to show Jason Castro singing their song (during Hollywood week last year.) It's a shame. Castro does a great version of it (it's FAR better than anything you saw on the show.) You can see it on Youtube.
Maybe Ham should do a Crazy medley...
27 of 32 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:50 AM
So lovely to start the work week with all the gasmi (tho I risk being last . . . someone, anyone . . . )
Crazy by Gnarls Barkley (sp?) makes sense to me, it wouldn't be the Seal one, that's been done, yes!? Anyone who doesn't give AI the rights to do their song are f'in crazy!!! I've heard lots about GB, but not really heard them too much, it likely would have helped them with some welcome exposure . . . and I like that song. Ham could have jumped the octave and likely screamed it into an oblivion, but heck, that's what he does, right!
So interesting about the Scott dirt, DMG. Someone I spoke to knew him too, but only pre-idol. They said he's a classical pianist and not a singer so much, so I guess he's doing well considering. It comes as a total SHOCK that Church Lady is conceited, I just can't believe it . . . NOT!
So, don't we all have to start voting for Allison, I'm afraid our favorite Chola wont make it through if someone doesn't keep her from bottom feeding . . . where are all the teens--don't they usually get behind the young'uns. She's certainly the coolest and most talented they've had, to my limited Mon am memory. C'mon kiddies, dial that phone!
28 of 32 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:57 AM
You know, it's been almost a week since the elimination. And surprisingly, I'm doing okay.
Really.
I am.
29 of 32 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 6, 2009 4:08 PM
Itchy, I feel for you. I agree, Amy Winehouse's voice plus Jessica Simpson's looks = so much potential. Too bad her performances never "got there."
30 of 32 | Posted by Daffymaiden | Posted on April 6, 2009 7:55 PM
Thanks, Jennaboa, wow, I had completely forgotten about Seal's and Aerosmith's Crazies. I didn't know about Britney Spears' Crazy (I mean, I know about her CCCCCRRRRRAAAAAAZZZZZYYYY, but not the song) and I am utterly convinced that any kind of exposure to her, however casual, will lead to nasty diseases of the kind that will leave you looking like Jeff Goldblum at the end of The Fly, so I'll pretend you didn't mention that one. Although Ham in a schoolgirl outfit? LMAO! My mind can't concentrate on any other image right now! What do you say, Itchy? Would that do as a substitute for losing Megan's fantastic singing?
31 of 32 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on April 6, 2009 8:44 PM
I'm sorry but that tattoo-armed damaged nutty girl had neither Jessica Simpson's looks nor (especially nor) Amy Winehouse's voice. She could barely carry a tune. wtf!
32 of 32 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 7, 2009 9:42 AM