Tonight on American Idol Results, a natural disaster.
This hurt us way more than it hurt you.
We open movie preview style.
A man with a hairline that starts behind his left ear.
Innocent kids with wigs and babies growing out of their foreheads.
: To make us all appreciate real singers. Like Amy Grant. Or Rosemary Clooney. Or, well,
LIZA!
Wait a second. I think I already saw this movie. Hated it! Channel change. The end.
Quentin says "bring it! Bring it! They gotta bring it!" I don't know if he's sounding like Randy on purpose or not. Either way, he needs to stop it. We have enough middle aged men trying to sound like teenagers. Did Simon tell Cholaheta that she could make it all the way to the end, or am I on acid?
Pretty colors. Can we all just hug? OMG I CAN FEEL MY HAIR GROWING.
Tink used up all his "Are we ready for a good one?" "We're gettin close!" "The fight is on, right?" "It's a hot one tonight!" "We gotta work it out, baby!"s last night, so at the end of the clip he's just left with THIS. Is American Idol!!!! That's called blowing your wad, Tink. Spread that genius out, babe.
A place where nobody dared to go
The love that we came to know
They call it Xanadu
After he's done with his big line, Tink runs all the way up the stairs just so he can walk down again after opening credits. LOL. DORK!
Who's the bottom?
Miley Cyrus is here!! WOWEEEEE!! How fitting, cuz Miss Hannah Wrongtana has made quite a splash in the news this week. I'll let Jamie Foxx explain it. Don't click this vid at work.
NSFW
It's not nice to talk about children like that, especially ones with hundreds of millions of dollars who threaten to wield their Mouse Power for selfish reasons. Suck it, Wrongtana!
Church Lady's been doing some push ups!
Tink says hi to the judges. Randy is all Easter-y. That's SO last Sunday, Randy. He gives Tink both a piece sign and fuck you arm sign at the same time, which is both sweet and really rude.
Make up your mind, man!
Tink asks Paula what she did after the show and she recounts being pulled over for hitting a deer on the way home. And a small child. And a mailbox.
Don't shoot! I'm famous!
Simon half winks/half winces at Tink. Man, the judges are on the fence about our little man tonight.
Did you really just run up those stairs and back down again? DORK.
And now let's jack off Ford for a bit! This week's handjob is shots of the remaining seven kids on the cover of magazines and newspapers at a newsstand. Poor Gums doesn't get to be on anything cuz of his baby forehead, so he just rocks out at the newsstand. Too bad. Poor guy could have used the airbrushing.
The most realistic cover is Cholaheta's.
Paula sure is smiling a lot. I can't tell if it's because she's happy or because her boobs are squeezed so tight to her chest that she doesn't wanna move to prevent a flash.
Paula with a bustier.
Paula without a bustier.
Tink announces a group number from the 80's, and Paula and Skara pretend they weren't born yet.
We're in our teens! We just happened to be born as grapes. That were dropped in the sun and left there for a decade and half.
The song is "Maniac"!! LOL. This song always reminds me of when my mom was an aerobics instructor. I love it now, but at the time I used to rebel against her headbands and leg warmers by eating boxes and boxes of Fig Newtons behind her back. Explain your fat son to your clients, MOTHER! EXPLAIN THAT! Aw, kids. Krispy Twink starts it off and gets right up in Skara's face. She tries to look as young and sexy as possible.
Note to Krispy Twink. Please stop wearing plaid. That ended awhile ago and you're just making yourself look like an awkward straight person trying to fit in in Silverlake. I forget about the plaid the second I get a load of Cholaheta's 99 cent store pants. Yowza. And is it me, or is she packin a wiener?
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Comments (26)
If I dream about Hambert tonight I'm gonna kick your ass flipit! Love you!
1 of 26 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on April 18, 2009 12:43 AM
Sometimes you just gotta be cruel to be kind. I only wish the Idolidiots could read your recaps, they'd shape up right quick.
I admit I fast-forwarded though the JH song. Listened to it long enough to recognize that she really sings well. But yeah, the song itself was a trainwreck befitting American Idol.
Still, it makes you wonder -- did Lil listen to her (and for that matter Gokey)? You have to wonder how she can keep going knowing that she'll never even be a fraction as good as JH. And JH didn't win her season?
I'm so confused.
2 of 26 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 18, 2009 1:06 AM
Another great recap, Flipit. Amazing how many fun details you notice that the rest of us miss, like Paula's boobs sipping coke. Props also for your photoshop skills, the magazine covers are hysterical.
Does anyone else think that someday our Flipit will be discovered and move on to bigger and better things?
Looking forward to disco week, it's always a disaster/recapper's dream.
3 of 26 | Posted by briar | Posted on April 18, 2009 1:18 AM
There's bigger than Tvgasm?
4 of 26 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 18, 2009 8:36 AM
Flipit, this could be your best recap ever. The magazine covers and screencaps were hilarious. I can no longer even imagine Idol without you. Enjoy that mac and cheese. You earned it.
5 of 26 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on April 18, 2009 8:53 AM
best recap in a long time
I'm so ecstatic that Matt was saved. I may be biased (Matt's from my hometown!), but I honestly think that if Matt starts picking good songs, we may see him in the top 3 (no one is going to make it over Adam and Danny). Hope he makes the hometown visit at least at top 3
6 of 26 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 18, 2009 10:26 AM
Awesome recap!
"Meanwhile, Paula's boobs take a sip of Coke." LOL
7 of 26 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 18, 2009 11:48 AM
Aw Flipit, the voice of sanity in an insane world. I know there is a God because He created Flipit! AI sux, you rock. Other than Hambert (who I really don't think is marketable in the AI sense) this is the worst group of singers ever on this show. It kind of puts Sanjaya Papaya into context tho.
8 of 26 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on April 18, 2009 5:46 PM
I big pink candy heart you, Flipit. Truly.
9 of 26 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on April 18, 2009 7:10 PM
There was a KTTV interview with Simon where he says that he saved Gums because didn't want to have to save Little next week. The save is only good for this episode and one more. Or something like that. Who cares really.. they all kind of suck.
Hambert really confuses me. He seems so old, and histrionic, and his voice reminds me of Axl Rose when he starts screaming. But he also seems like a nice person so I can't just automatically hate him. Like I did that weirdo Megan Corkrey. Couldn't stand that chick.
10 of 26 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 18, 2009 10:00 PM
"It gets so painful to listen to that the smoke monster from Lost comes out and kills her right where she stands."
"How many jobs does Zach Efron have?"
I love ya, Flipit. Hilarious! I don't even watch the show, but I love you so much that I read your recaps.
What is the deal with this show? Didn't they used to have people who could kind of sing, kind of? Like JHud, Kelly C, Carrie Underwood, Ruben Studdard, even Clay Gayken? Have America's voters lost their hearing? Maybe the judges should have a vote that counts for half, like on DWTS.
One of the problems is that they attempt to include so-called "rock" singers. This is not the venue for rock and the solo rock singer, a la Brian Adams and Sammy Hagar, is not really around anymore. It's all about bands, My Space, Itunes, originality, college students,etc. This show should stick to pop and country.
11 of 26 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 18, 2009 11:19 PM
pixielated: it's because they put big personalities and good looking people in over people who can sing.
12 of 26 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 19, 2009 7:23 AM
David "Elephant Man" Cook? Church Lady? Lil o' the gigantic butt? Mole-head?
That's considered good-looking these days?
Hmm. Glad I live in France.
13 of 26 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 19, 2009 9:37 AM
Very funny Flipster. That “Weave” cover had me laughing. You weren’t your normal mean spirited self (but still FUNNY) so I’m thinking you got “something” in Vegas.
In the Adam video Adam had a Tom Jones thing going on.
For this week I want these people to sing these songs:
Chola: Last Dance or Boogie Oogie Oogie
Church Lady: SuperFreak (not really disco but close.)
Anoop: I Will Survive
Adam: anything he wants
Crispy: Born to Be Alive
14 of 26 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 19, 2009 10:34 AM
LOL at the Hambert clip, although I have seen it before.
But honestly, besides all the cheese and such, he's still a brilliant singer and I really, really hope that he or Allison win.
15 of 26 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 19, 2009 3:05 PM
I think J-hud is a good example of why it can be a good thing NOT to win Idol.
I'm betting that Glambert's going to do a Wham! tune. Or even better: Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
And Gokey's going to do a song that really has nothing to do with disco, but he'll sing it anyway and no one will call him on it.
Who's going to sing Heart of Glass? You just know that one of them will...
16 of 26 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 20, 2009 12:18 AM
Love you, Flipit, even if I sprayed precious drops of Dr Pepper all over my computer screen this morning reading your hilarious recap. Especially the magazine covers. Aw, Gospel Lady. And the Ham missing from my breakfast Tacos (really, Taco Shack, you are slipping; a proper taco has bacon on it !)
About the Ham video, good try dude, but that was the most unrealistic thing I had ever seen. It would have been tons better if he had scantily clad men dancing around him. More fun for me to.
Doesn't matter, love this guy's crazy good voice. (Just please stop violating us with your eyes, k? Seriously. It's scarier than Church Lady's, er, beard.)
itchy: J-Hud got beat by single-mother Fantasia (it was beat into my head by AI) and Diana G-what's-it (who sucked) and a bunch of others who I don't remember. She came in seventh, b/c America really should not be trusted with voting in important elections (wasn't the only rotten election in 2004).
I always thought it was funny that Daughtry didn't win either (Taylor Hicks did -- whoa that chin scared me more than Jay Leno's three chins all a-wiggle! Not a Daughtry fan, but Hicks was a crazy-looking guy who gave me the heebies. I love the Weird Al parody of his song as it mirrored what I always thought of Hicks; a friend of mine got to play the role of the stalkee. And that cute girl who, bless her, really couldn't sing all that well and whose name I forgot because, well, she was sort of forgettable. Most painful finale ever.)
17 of 26 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 20, 2009 7:18 AM
Flipit, your recaps are hysterical!
Love the Adam video - my God, what a queen! Yes! I can only pray that my wish comes true and he shows up for his final show against Church Lady in full-on drag. Screw it! By then America will have already voted and can't be scared off by the Satanic Homosexual!
18 of 26 | Posted by Sher | Posted on April 20, 2009 9:40 AM
I hate the fact that they saved Gums. Now I just know someone I like will go home this week. Simone can not bet on Lil being in the bottom two because she might sing a Donna Summer's song or heaven forbid she might sing Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and then she might get enough votes to be in the top 4.
Lil has sung bad all season and I can only remember her being in the bottom twice. She had always been able to pull votes until Simon started getting real mean with her. Still why should I worry? What are the chances Lil will start to pick the right songs for her? Here’s to hoping she keeps doing what she does best.
19 of 26 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on April 20, 2009 9:50 AM
What I did love about the results show was your recap Flipit. The magazine covers are perfect.
20 of 26 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on April 20, 2009 10:09 AM
Disco week, scarier than Miley Cyrus! (I was sort of horrified by her performance, but then I look back to my tween days and the music I listened to and go, I suppose it could be worse.)
dreamkeeper, I agree Lil could do well this week. I mean, disco is sort of tailor-made for her voice and there are loads of songs someone with her voice style can sing, as opposed to, say, Allison. "To Be Real" might be a good song (she'll probably sing "Last Dance;" someone will as someone always does.)
I hope Adam sings something by Queen, or maybe KC and the Sunshine Band or the BeeGees. Let's face it, he is KC and the Sunshine Band and the BeeGees all wrapped up in one sparkly little package with a purple polka-dotted bow.
As long as Hokey doesn't sing "Heaven Must Have Sent You" I'll make it through this wretched week. I am worried about Allison this week. "I'm Every Woman," maybe? Her voice is so very low. I suppose she could sing a Barry White song.
21 of 26 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 20, 2009 10:39 AM
aha! It was the Gnarls Barkley "Crazy" Hammy wanted to do, and now we can see why . . . actually, I was holding out till that last moment, "will he not screech, will he not screech" oh well, how could I have thunk, but still, it was kinda good to hear an almost all regularly sung song. I do think Ham is marketable too, but don't make me come up with a plan . . .
Mr. D, on the Tom Jones thing, hmm, I wasn't sure if that was just the lighting, and then I felt afraid, and then I stopped watching and just read the comments while he belted softly in my ear phones.
Sadly, I think Lil is going to pick the lamest, worst disco song to sing, as will Allison and CL, tho I think with Allison's voice it could be an interesting contrast.
Can no one do " I Will Survive" coz that sounds like a swanner to me, and since 2 are leaving, I wouldn't risk it.
Is the definition of disco only from the 70's, or could a more modern song qualify? Yes, I'm asking . . . I thought "Heart of Glass" was new wave, but I'd gladly accept someone doing it. I hope Hammy does BeeGees, but then, I'm not sure any SNF stuff is on my list of faves--hope he doesn't don the white suit, but you know he could . . .
Good to have you back Flippy, and I totally agree on the mag covers "weave" too funny!!!!xoxoxoxo
22 of 26 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 20, 2009 11:16 AM
Queen isn't disco. Adam probably could do a great job with it--glam rock, it seems made for him.
How about another non-disco song, this one from the '80s, "Take on Me" by A-ha. Great high note in that one.
Adam could make it in an "alternative" rock band like Silversun Pickups, The Ataris,or oh, heck, what was the name of that group that recorded that song "How to Save a Life" that they played to death on Grey's Anatomy? But people don't get into bands by being on American Idol. An alternative band just did a covewr version of "Take on Me" that is really good.
23 of 26 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 20, 2009 8:45 PM
just saw a spoiler list, and if it's right, Lil, CL and Allison all DID make lame choices--IMHO anyway . . .
24 of 26 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 20, 2009 9:25 PM
Queen did "Another One Bites the Dust" which borrowed the disco beat so Freddie could prance about and do poppers like everyone else at the time.
Same with "Heart of Glass" --it became a hit because of the disco beat.
Kiss did "I Was Made for Loving You" (which one of the contestants on the French Idol completely hysterically murdered the other week) -- maybe Ham will do that one?
Lots of bands had their disco numbers -- Cheap Trick, the Kinks, the Who, the Stones, etc. etc.
It's all about the beat, the beat.
Of course, that's assuming that any of these people actually get to pick their songs. I had the impression that they're allowed to pick between Song A or Song B....as long as they choose Song A.
And as long as they don't mind that the band gives the song the Love Boat theme song treatment.
25 of 26 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 20, 2009 11:20 PM
juddfan: I just saw a spoilers list and I can't believe it would be correct. There is no way in hell CL would sing the song on that list. (And if he does, we will all be in hell. Please. God. No.)
The rest of the list was rather meh, actually, with Anoop picking something sure to send him packing and Allison picking the only song she might possibly know that is Disco-related.
26 of 26 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 21, 2009 6:11 AM