Tonight on American Idol Results, some woman named Freda puts a tent in my boxers.
The action packed dramatic music pumps as we gets gems from last night: Randy calling the contestants the best EVAH and Skara insisting Krispy Twink took a huge risk. The best nuggets are from backstage. Cholaheta says that she thinks Disco Night is just a trap, LOL, and Little is in full on delusion mode, rolling her head and saying she doesn't care what the judges say cuz it's America's show and America Votes! Then the editors put her and her mother's attitude palms together. Take your momma to work it day.
High five!
Paula tells Church Lady that he has the sexiest voice ever made. It must have been the movie star jaw.
Then Simon disses UhNope for trying to lift high notes with his knees.
Well at least he won't hurt his back.
Why am I even typing? We saw all this last night. Before we go on with tonight's show, I must apologize for a couple things I missed. First, I didn't hear Tink tell UhNope that he was the Indian Groucho Marx with those eyebrows. How did I miss that? Second, I didn't give you a Puddle of Paula screengrab. I am ashamed of myself. Please accept my apologies. Watching Paula's face come off her bones and melt to the floor was pretty amazing to see, and it deserves documentation. Here it is right before it started dripping all over her plastic diamond Forever 21 top.
On an even more disturbing note, poor Tink needs to file charges and get a restraining order against Marc Cherry, who's in the audience trying to forget the pain he caused himself in the press by firing Nicolette Sheridan.
I smell a new Housewife.
Tink says that tonight, to celebrate Earth Day, they will be using Green energy in the theater. Whatever that means. I had way more fun with my own celebration. I ate as much beef as I could, started some plastic bags on fire, and kicked every tree I passed. I considered running a Prius off the road, but I didn't want to hurt my gas guzzler in the process, so I just played conservative AM radio as loudly as I could with all my windows down and stayed right next to the bitch so she couldn't make a turn.
We get to say hi to the judges. Skara has chest hair coming out of her top.
Paula is wearing Chita Rivera's costume from Kiss of the Spider Woman, which is fitting because Tink tells us tonight Paula is our choreographer, and Kiss of the Spider Woman is the first time I'd ever seen an eighty year old put her ankle behind her neck. I'd rather not talk about the second time.
Tink intros a video of Paula teaching the kids a dance. They look hilarious trying to hump the air. Especially Krispy Twink, who is whiter than even Church Lady. They actually have to sweat this week, which means ten pounds of base on the face ain't gonna work. So finally, we get to see Hambert without his makeup on!
HAWT
They get a five minute break, which Gums Giraud uses to download himself as a ringtone. He also downloads some Disney tunes for the tyke on his forehead. What is the point of this segment? Please make it stop. And don't they have security? How come random queens keep showing up in these shots?
Go American Idol! And random queen!
Paula actually gets out of her chair to announce them, which is impressive. They start in the audience and Church Lady pelvis bumps some poor girl's head.
Paula looks just as hot as Chita. Well done! Now sit down and drink some water. Your skin cells are thirsty.
When I was little, I would hold my sister down and pretend I was gonna drop a big long hanging spit stream into her mouth. I don't know why I'm thinking of that right now.
OK this is hilarious. I love it! The whole thing is lip sunk and lip sunk badly. People are concentrating so hard on the "difficult" dance moves that they don't even bother pretending they're really singing. Who told Cholaheta that mom jeans came out in the seventies?
The sweetest and most offensive part of the number is the part where they do Blind Guy dance impressions.
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Comments (14)
cattyfan, sorry about the death of your comment, and also thanks for fixing my misspell. i posted in newsgasm. DOI. love
1 of 14 | Posted by flipit | Posted on April 24, 2009 10:00 PM
This episode had me laughing and txting my friend. Here's a sampling:
nothing says manly like pink sweater and caterpillar eyebrows
paula's moving pretty well for someone with so severe back probs that her meds are the go-to excuse for the inebriation we keep seeing
thelma wore a bright yellow babydoll dress and wild up-do dreds. oh here's KC. he's WELL past his sell-by date. poor guy.
good for him for still getting out there. now simon gave ryan a smackdown. yay
gah this is such pathetic shitty entertainment. uhoh anoop in the bottom
I skipped to the end. poor Anoop Dogg.
silly how carrie underwood sings home sweet home. isn't that a motley crue song? or poison?
Sad how American Idol turns our lives into this. BTW in case no one told you, that was Vince Neil and wife #4 in the audience. Hence the sell-out final song reference. Kill me now.
BTW: Essence magazine says J-Hud is with child.
I share your oogey feeling about Hokey Gokey, but I predict Chola goes next week.
2 of 14 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:15 PM
I may not always agree with your assesment, flipit, but I LOVE your recaps - they always make me laugh so hard my abs hurt.
Meanwhile, this is the fourth recap I've read of the results show, and I can't believe that NO ONE noticed that when Lil came out to be eliminated, her vest was buttoned crooked. Did no one think to mention it the poor girl? I know they had a quick change after the group number, but when she came back out at the end (what, 40 minutes later?), it was STILL buttoned crooked! Poor kid couldn't catch a break.
3 of 14 | Posted by youngsweetheart | Posted on April 25, 2009 12:45 PM
You know what's most crazy? That Chola and Fetus are about the same age!
4 of 14 | Posted by aholic | Posted on April 25, 2009 2:44 PM
"Kiss of the Spider Woman is the first time I'd ever seen an eighty year old put her ankle behind her neck. I'd rather not talk about the second time."
Are you sure it wasn’t an 80 year old man? (I understand. You had to pay the rent. Right?)
RE: the random queen in the photo during the group practice
Uh, who says he’s a queen? Just because he has gokey’s 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t mean he’s gay. He looks gay but, hey, gokey’s starting to look gay. (It’s being in Hollywood that does it.)
I remember Thelma Houston fondly but I don’t remember her like that. What was that crazy woman thinking with that outfit? My God. BTW: A friend of mine wants Thelma’s song, “Don’t Leave me this Way” sung at his funeral. Okay, if he goes first, I’ll do it but I don’t know if it’s appropriate.
5 of 14 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 25, 2009 2:54 PM
flipit...no worries. These things happen. If only I had any idea what I'd written last night.
One question...was I remotely funny, or was I a morose drunk.
6 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 25, 2009 5:43 PM
i disagree with whoever said chola is next...first of all, she nearly was eliminated. her fans will be coming to her support. second, she is the only non-white person, and the only woman left. I think Gums is out next =(
here's hoping for church lady to go.
7 of 14 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 26, 2009 11:19 AM
Another great recap (ho hum!)
I had those same reactions to Fetus's performance. Maybe his voice finally changed??
I hope Chola/Allison stays around. I think she could be in the finals.
8 of 14 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 26, 2009 12:31 PM
My excuses for the lateness of my commment, but I was in Paris for the weekend (that's right, suck it losers)...
Except now I'm reading your recap in front of family and they're all looking at me strangely for not only enjoying bad reality television, but liking reading recaps about them even more...
Anyway, I'll see your hatred for the Church Lady and I'll double it...yes, yes, a tool. I'm "praying" for a surprise elimination too. Go Sierra!
Oops.
9 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 26, 2009 1:11 PM
I am *so* glad they put Adam right smack in the middle of the disco dance number! It gave him a chance to almost totally gay out. Fabulous.
And what is up with Paula and Simon this season? My mom thinks they're sleeping together. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but they are awfully giggly.
10 of 14 | Posted by kon4mity | Posted on April 26, 2009 7:52 PM
I had a crazy theory about Simon, but it involves Ryan and that hawt daddy contestant, Matt Rogers. I think the chances are so slim about anything between him and Paula, I'm tempted to roll out my theory . . . but another time!
Saw this at a friends, and their DVR is so messed up I missed the whole Fetus thing and came in late on the group number. I do suspect it was a bad mix in Fetus' headset, and I heard one of 'em dropped out--no one sings in tune when they can't hear right.
Loved the high Five, Flipit!!! And call me crazy, but this recap is a little randy--no!?
xoxoxoxoxo
I feel for poor little fetus, reminds me of Michael Jackson for being so out of touch with normalcy . . . ; ( ( i mean kid star way)
Oh yeah, that shirt KC was wearing, I think they had to lay him on a tilt back board to button it, then stood him upright to girdle it all inside. At least he's smart enough to bring some back up singers, and I bet he's enjoying his life, plenty!
Chola is so f'ed this week with Brat pack--ugh!
11 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 27, 2009 11:43 AM
my predicitons of the order they will be eliminated: Matt, Alison, Gokey, Adam then Kris winning it all.
12 of 14 | Posted by cansnuts | Posted on April 27, 2009 12:09 PM
I understand your loathing of ChurchLady all too well, my dear...
Here's hoping for that tool's elimination soon....
13 of 14 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on April 28, 2009 5:17 AM
SO FRIGGIN FUNNY!
Love the line about pullin out a boobie!
Keep it comin!
14 of 14 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on April 28, 2009 12:59 PM