Poor guy looks terrified and confused through the whole song. This medley was just downright disturbing. It was like something Nigel would have put together, back in the day. Did that sound like I didn't like it? Cuz I did. I liked it a lot. I just wish that they all could have come out together and sung, I dunno, "Moon Over Miami" or something.
I haven't maintained a boner this long since high school.
More results, and it's not looking to good for KC. Krispy's safe! And hot. And really boring. Ham's given some time to talk deeply about how deeply moving his deep performance was. Simon listens to this and is all...
I think I left the air conditioner on at home. Suck it, Earth!
Church Lady is next. Some of you have a problem with my hatred of this tool and want me to explain why it boils inside of me. I would go on and on about it, but I get to do that every week. So I'll just answer with a screen shot.
Tink repeats the slams that Simon hurled at Church Lady last night and says that "the bloggers" felt he was being harsh. Teehee. Bloggers are wussies. How does Gokey feel about being slammed like that? He says that he meditated on it last night and still doesn't know what Simon meant when he called him clumsy, although a bush did start itself on fire and talk to him for an hour. Tink asks Simon about it, and Simon says Tink knows all about being clumsy. "It's my entire career!" No one argues with that one. Tink presses Simon for a real answer, and Simon tells him to stop being facetious and go on with the show. Oooooooh. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Church Lady's safe. Booooo!
UhNope's next, and the audience Moooooos him. I find that to be very rude. Poor UhNope has probably developed an eating disorder over all this. Was he happy with his performance? Yes! Sorry, but America thought you sucked butt. You're in the bottom! Chola's joining him. WTF? She was better than Gums. Whatevs. Chola meets Anoop at the stools and does a little bottom two ho down. And now, the moment we've all been waiting for! The return of The Fetus! He's singing a song called "Touched By Hand". Yikes. Well, molesters need an anthem too, I guess.
Reach out as far as you can...as long as it's a hundred yards from a school.
You know what's weird? I remember Fetus being all tiny and wet and slimy from coming out of the womb. I remember him gasping for air inappropriately cuz his lungs hadn't developed yet. And I remember his abusive ghetto ass stage dad showing up in t-shirts and baseball caps. But I also remember him being able to sing. Like really well. You wouldn't know it today. Damn, boy. He can't hit any of the notes in his lower register, and worse, the style they came up with for him is a R&B/pop hybrid. One thing Fetus never even pretended to be is R&B. He should have just come out with an album of Wiggles covers. He would have outsold Kelly.
I think this song is called "Touch My Hands". Sorry, molesters. I got your hopes up for nothing. As the song goes on (and on and on), Fetus drops the R&B and rocks out, and it's hilarious. The video playing behind him looks like black and white footage of young girls screaming when the Beatles came to town. Yoko's gonna be up his ass by the end of the show with contracts and shit. He smiles ear to ear the whole time. What a cutie. I feel bad about making fun of him, but then he starts jumping up and down like he's singing metal. LOL. How can you not like the Fetus? OK now stop singing. Please. Just stop. Finally, it's done and he breathes as deeply and asthmatically as possible. How has no one thought to give him an inhaler?
Tink takes him to the loser stools to talk to Chola and UhNope for advice. Fetus says that this show has given them the world and just because it might be over doesn't mean it's really over. Look at Pickler! She's rich and famous and she can't even sing happy birthday. Chola's like AWWWW! and then she pulls out a boobie to feed the little lad.
The Fetus as a cheesy teenager looking for a PC.
« The Cougar: Forty is the new Idiot | Main | Celebrity Apprentice: Too Many Egos in the Kitchen »
Comments (14)
cattyfan, sorry about the death of your comment, and also thanks for fixing my misspell. i posted in newsgasm. DOI. love
1 of 14 | Posted by flipit | Posted on April 24, 2009 10:00 PM
This episode had me laughing and txting my friend. Here's a sampling:
nothing says manly like pink sweater and caterpillar eyebrows
paula's moving pretty well for someone with so severe back probs that her meds are the go-to excuse for the inebriation we keep seeing
thelma wore a bright yellow babydoll dress and wild up-do dreds. oh here's KC. he's WELL past his sell-by date. poor guy.
good for him for still getting out there. now simon gave ryan a smackdown. yay
gah this is such pathetic shitty entertainment. uhoh anoop in the bottom
I skipped to the end. poor Anoop Dogg.
silly how carrie underwood sings home sweet home. isn't that a motley crue song? or poison?
Sad how American Idol turns our lives into this. BTW in case no one told you, that was Vince Neil and wife #4 in the audience. Hence the sell-out final song reference. Kill me now.
BTW: Essence magazine says J-Hud is with child.
I share your oogey feeling about Hokey Gokey, but I predict Chola goes next week.
2 of 14 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:15 PM
I may not always agree with your assesment, flipit, but I LOVE your recaps - they always make me laugh so hard my abs hurt.
Meanwhile, this is the fourth recap I've read of the results show, and I can't believe that NO ONE noticed that when Lil came out to be eliminated, her vest was buttoned crooked. Did no one think to mention it the poor girl? I know they had a quick change after the group number, but when she came back out at the end (what, 40 minutes later?), it was STILL buttoned crooked! Poor kid couldn't catch a break.
3 of 14 | Posted by youngsweetheart | Posted on April 25, 2009 12:45 PM
You know what's most crazy? That Chola and Fetus are about the same age!
4 of 14 | Posted by aholic | Posted on April 25, 2009 2:44 PM
"Kiss of the Spider Woman is the first time I'd ever seen an eighty year old put her ankle behind her neck. I'd rather not talk about the second time."
Are you sure it wasn’t an 80 year old man? (I understand. You had to pay the rent. Right?)
RE: the random queen in the photo during the group practice
Uh, who says he’s a queen? Just because he has gokey’s 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t mean he’s gay. He looks gay but, hey, gokey’s starting to look gay. (It’s being in Hollywood that does it.)
I remember Thelma Houston fondly but I don’t remember her like that. What was that crazy woman thinking with that outfit? My God. BTW: A friend of mine wants Thelma’s song, “Don’t Leave me this Way” sung at his funeral. Okay, if he goes first, I’ll do it but I don’t know if it’s appropriate.
5 of 14 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 25, 2009 2:54 PM
flipit...no worries. These things happen. If only I had any idea what I'd written last night.
One question...was I remotely funny, or was I a morose drunk.
6 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 25, 2009 5:43 PM
i disagree with whoever said chola is next...first of all, she nearly was eliminated. her fans will be coming to her support. second, she is the only non-white person, and the only woman left. I think Gums is out next =(
here's hoping for church lady to go.
7 of 14 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 26, 2009 11:19 AM
Another great recap (ho hum!)
I had those same reactions to Fetus's performance. Maybe his voice finally changed??
I hope Chola/Allison stays around. I think she could be in the finals.
8 of 14 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 26, 2009 12:31 PM
My excuses for the lateness of my commment, but I was in Paris for the weekend (that's right, suck it losers)...
Except now I'm reading your recap in front of family and they're all looking at me strangely for not only enjoying bad reality television, but liking reading recaps about them even more...
Anyway, I'll see your hatred for the Church Lady and I'll double it...yes, yes, a tool. I'm "praying" for a surprise elimination too. Go Sierra!
Oops.
9 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 26, 2009 1:11 PM
I am *so* glad they put Adam right smack in the middle of the disco dance number! It gave him a chance to almost totally gay out. Fabulous.
And what is up with Paula and Simon this season? My mom thinks they're sleeping together. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but they are awfully giggly.
10 of 14 | Posted by kon4mity | Posted on April 26, 2009 7:52 PM
I had a crazy theory about Simon, but it involves Ryan and that hawt daddy contestant, Matt Rogers. I think the chances are so slim about anything between him and Paula, I'm tempted to roll out my theory . . . but another time!
Saw this at a friends, and their DVR is so messed up I missed the whole Fetus thing and came in late on the group number. I do suspect it was a bad mix in Fetus' headset, and I heard one of 'em dropped out--no one sings in tune when they can't hear right.
Loved the high Five, Flipit!!! And call me crazy, but this recap is a little randy--no!?
xoxoxoxoxo
I feel for poor little fetus, reminds me of Michael Jackson for being so out of touch with normalcy . . . ; ( ( i mean kid star way)
Oh yeah, that shirt KC was wearing, I think they had to lay him on a tilt back board to button it, then stood him upright to girdle it all inside. At least he's smart enough to bring some back up singers, and I bet he's enjoying his life, plenty!
Chola is so f'ed this week with Brat pack--ugh!
11 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 27, 2009 11:43 AM
my predicitons of the order they will be eliminated: Matt, Alison, Gokey, Adam then Kris winning it all.
12 of 14 | Posted by cansnuts | Posted on April 27, 2009 12:09 PM
I understand your loathing of ChurchLady all too well, my dear...
Here's hoping for that tool's elimination soon....
13 of 14 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on April 28, 2009 5:17 AM
SO FRIGGIN FUNNY!
Love the line about pullin out a boobie!
Keep it comin!
14 of 14 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on April 28, 2009 12:59 PM