Church Lady is singing "Come Rain or Come Shine", and he wears the same stupid hat that Gums wore in a different color. He seems a little uncomfortable with Jamie, so Jamie "gets up in his greel" and scares him into turning in a decent rehearsal.

200904291313
Damn, that shaved trick jawline had me fooled from back there. I thought you were Brad Pitt.

200904291314
Certs?

Jamie says that's how Michael Mann directs, but I think that's just the dirty old man's excuse to get within kissing distance of Leo DiCaprio. Church spends the first half of the song singing soft and straight, and wowzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He misses some notes, but worse, it's the first time he's actually been plain boring. Then he does what he does best. Shouts. The second half of the song sounds great for shout fans. It's amazing that he can sing from any genre and make the songs all sound exactly the same. Like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGGH!

200904291323
Meatoaf

No herky jerky white boy dancing today. COME ON!! Give me something! Oh wait. He's trying something new. I love "My Name is Chubby" jokes!!

200904291328

I don't know why I am thinking of this, but the image of Days of Our Lives' Kristen's twin, Susan won't get out of my head. It pops up every time Church Lady comes on. Weird.

Picture 3-136

To really top himself, he ends by throwing coupons for free Big Macs into the audience. They go nuts. Especially this chick.

200904291339

Randy loved it and thinks he could have a standard album. I think it might be cheesy five years ago goatee love. Skara says that she's been missing his swagger all season and that tonight he had it and it was the most creative he's ever been with the melody. Paula cleans the desk with her napkins while calling him stellar a lot. I think she ran out of writing time. Simon agrees with the swagger comment and thinks Church Lady proved a point with his vocals. He adds the word brilliant. I would rather buy an album of sounds from a chicken plant, but that's just me.

200904291348
How SPECIAL.

200904291350
Got Gokey?
Just Do Gokey.
Switching to Gokey can save you hundreds on car insurance!

200904291352
Church Lady hearts Lens Crafters.

Ham's got the pimp spot tonight, AGAIN, and he's singing "Feelin' Good". I love this song, and it's kinda funny that he's singing it cuz if Nina Simone was on American Idol, she would be ripped limb from limb. "You sound like a man. A very depressed man. With a cold." Jamie thinks it's great, but is kinda offended that Ham's not nervous around him. "You don't care who I am at all." Bwahahahah. Ham's in an Ellen DeGeneres suit, and he starts off soft and spitty on the red lit staircase.

200904291359

Once the soft part ends, he growls out "GOOOOD!" and the horns start popping. Ham is so Jessica Rabbit right now. All he's missing is a feather boa. He sashays and squeal/yells the song out like an old lady getting beaten up. He misses a few notes and the whole thing kinda leaves me cold, but he is the only one who really added his own flavor to a song tonight from beginning to end and it's fitting that on Rat Pack night he turned in an unabashed Vegas performance. On tour he'll have more freedom to add roid heads in sparkly bikini briefs and cartwheeling midgets from Cirque Du Soleil. And I will be in the front row. When he squeals out his final screech, it lasts longer than Les Miz. He's so winning this thing. Just a sidenote, his snake tongue freaks me out.

200904291402
Bathroom break.


His cute little boyfriend is missing from the audience again this week, and I'm officially worried. Randy thinks it was a little too Broadway but he's consistently in the zone. Skara says her mouth drops open every time he sings because he's so shocking and sleazy. LOL. Ok Skara is winning me over. That's the best critique ever. Paula calls line, but no one has her script and she has a meltdown. She says he's like Michael Phelps, but mushier, wearing makeup, and sporting better teeth. Then she folds her napkins into kissing swans. Simon says Randy complaining about Ham being theatrical is like complaining that a cow moos. He says he likes that Ham comes out to win every single week and then tells Tink that he can't ever use the stairs again cuz Ham had the entrance of the year. Tink says he'll never even attempt to walk down them like Ham did. HA. So what did you guys think? Gums or Chola are out fo sho, eh? I hope it's Gums. See you in results!

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Comments (27)

cattyfan:

Gokey does the same thing with his songs every week...but so does HAmbert. Both are predictable. it's just a matter of which style you prefer. I still prefer Gokey, because Hambert seems too caluculated (both his style and his performances) to me.

Oddly, I really liked Kris again this week...and I really liked Allison, regardless of how Simon reviewed her.

Matt and his ugly hat collection can leave anytime.

juddfan:

Thanks for a speedy recap, I bet by the time I post the comments will be swelling!

So, Chola wasn't doin' it fer ya--coz I thought that was gorgeous!!!! Me likey, and I'm almost positive a girl will be in top 3, which would be her (if we leave glam out of that equation)

Speaking of, and not to her fault at all, but Glam was meh for me . . . been there done it, donned the lip gloss. She's awesome in every way, but it just didn't work for him for me.

I though the goke pulled it out this time, I think he may have converted some haters, and damn, how awkward to have Jamie fox up in your grille--was he psyking him out or what.

This should have been gums week, but alas, that was the worst.

Simon pissed me off to holey fucking hell this week, I'da punched him had I been there. He should never ever ever say "you can't win this competition" I'd fire his ass--RUDE!!!!! Now he can forget about any future sexy times we might have had, coz I'm quitting that bitch, I'd sooner hit Gaycrest at this point!!!! Now that's low . . .

Krispy was meh, but it's nice to get a good look at his daddy, who is deliciously do able to me, so thanks Flippy!!!

Next week will be the toughest to pick whose going, I think, coz it'll be Krispy and CL head to head . . . (now there's an image . . . sorry . . . )

leslie_pcc:

I'm really surprised Jamie didn't say anything about Matt's gums considering he thought Miley Cyrus had a terrible gum to tooth ratio.

juddfan:

Good point Leslie!!! And what was that whole thing of no mentoring, and then dragging him back--did the producers pull him aside and tell him to sabbotage it!

Shoulda told him, do no runs!!! Or, if he insists--pull out a piano and do the notes out there and make sure it's actually in the key the songs supposed to be in--I'm just sayin', he keeps failing on those, and yet doesn't stop, and he's perfectly fine without them.

I hear Teen Angel, Taylor Hicks is on tonight--whew hew!

itchy:

Well, I keep trying to give Church Lady the benefit of the doubt but...well, okay, no I don't. I keep hoping he'll fall down whenever he's singing. Or burst an artery. And I really wish he'd stop spitting on the inside of my screen, it's getting harder and harder to see.

Hambert had me laughing out loud...I kept thinking of that sleazy old lady puppet from way back...hold on a sec, google will know her name...there it is: Madame, of Wayland Flowers and fame. I keep wondering when this guy is going to sing again, since all of his performances in the last few weeks feel more like European transvestite cabaret than anything else.

I feel sorry for Gums...if his mole was just a bit higher on his forehead, he wouldn't have to mash those hats down so hard. I mean, I like to wear hats too, but not to the point where my ears fold in half.

Alison...shame she's still there. No one's noticed that she has exactly the same personality as the fetus from last year? That same giggly gee-gollyness? Well, at least she can sing. She'll be excellent on those cruise ships.

Finally, I just can take Monkeyboy seriously. Seems like a nice enough kid. For a singing monkey, at least.

itchy:

Oops. I meant I just can't take Monkeyboy seriously.

Uh huh.

lirpa:

When I watch, I think "Now, if I had to pay to see one of these people in concert, who would it be?" And the answer is so clearly Hambert because he is so entertaining and off the wall. The others may sound all right, but none of them are any fun or exciting.

fierytopaz:

I agree...Gums is probably out...though I wish it was Danny. But I know he'll get the votes! Adam's been good every time. Definitely different, but good. I hope Chola stays a little longer, she deserves to be in the top three.

slutty_whore:

Did anyone notice all the digs at Hambert's sexuality, with Simon noting how "theatrical" he was and Ryan saying how even HE "wouldn't come down the steps like that?" I was thinking to myself that Ham is annoying and bothersome.... I wouldn't purchase any of their CDs, but if the show insists on their inevitable sausage fest, I hope Kris can pull it out and take it to victory.

Although the eventual Gokey/Hambert final two is going to happen.

Mr Dangerous:

Uh, there's no reason to insult MEATLOAF. MEATLOAF is MUCH sexier than gokey.

I'm only voting for ADAM and KRIS at this point. gokey might make it to the final two because I'm sure he's getting the middle age lady and grandma vote.

Mr Dangerous:

Oh, regarding:

Marilyn Chambers
Greatest Throat Olympian of all time.

Uh, Jack Wrangler died on April 8th. The gay porn actor should have a chance at that title too.

xqzmoi:

Love the identical cousins shot. So since Krispy is married, I guess we can assume that Tink is the one "a hotdog makes [him] lose control." LOL

Anyone ever notice that Gokey looks like a chubby verson of the guy in all those Verizon ads?

Wow, tonight's results show was pretty scary and so very wrong in terms of top and bottom. Vote, people, vote!

Appreciate your insights, Flipit. Thanks.

wintersux:

OK, can I just say that I totally do not understand the appeal of the song My Funny Valentine. Basically the song is saying "you are so friggin ugly that people laugh at your face but I love you anyway just because I like to laugh"??? How romantic...

renoblondee:

Kristen's twin Susan had me ROFL, thank you for that Flip! I hadn't thought of those characters for so long.....I used to LOVE Days back then. Good call!

cattyfan:

wintersux...I've always hated the song My Funny Valentine. The lyrics are horrible, and it's supposed to be romantic, but sounds like a funeral dirge.

georgiababe:

I haven't even read most of the recap yet, but I'm already laughing at it and the comments.

And as for Gokey/Matt style-off, Hokey TOTALLY stole Matt's look. I was watching Idol with my sister and the first thing she said was "WTF is he wearing? He looks like he's trying to be Matt, but fatter." LOL

Off to read the recap!

Dreamkeeper:

I thought Jamie gave Matt good advise because I was tired of his fasetto and he sounded better this way if not great.

I was mad Jamie gave Danny good advice because I have to admit he ended up sounding great and I do not like Danny. When both Kara and Simon mentioned things Danny has been lacking all along proved the judges have been giving him false praise all these weeks . The biggest reason I dislike Danny is because the praise has been undeserved and his singing was just so-so.

From here to the end they all need to sing each song from the heart and put in good performances. That is how Fantasia won. Many don't like Fantasia and I am not crazy about her either but each night she sang on Idol she put her all into each song and tried to tell a story. She also picked the wright song for her even on nights with themes like Country or Broadway.

dreamkeeper:

meant "falsetto".

georgiababe:

Flip, I think you've outdone yourself. Maybe I'm just excessively tired or something, but I could not stop laughing throughout this entire recap. I especially enjoyed the photo captions this week, it was great.

I thought all of the contestants were actually decent this week, which is surprising. Usually at least one person bites it hard. Even Hokey wasn't as terrible as usual.

mamatl:

I keep wanting Gokey to leave, but I feel that that's not going to happen. I seriously can't watch his performances. He's another Taylor Hicks, why can't America see that? Stop patronizing this asshole, nobody's going to want to see this douche in concert or buy his albums.

That said, I'll keep my fingers crossed for a Kris/Adam show-down in the finale. Kris is adorable and only one that seems like a real singer-songwriter-musician. Glambert is sometimes painful to watch but I'm weirdly fascinated by him. I keep wanting him to really queen out just once; he was still holding back even with that strut down the stairs. I loved it.

itchy:

cattyfan, if you don't know Elvis Costello's version of My Funny Valentine, you should, it's beautiful, best version ever (IMO).

But then I really really like crooner music. Which is why this week was kind of torture for me. None of these people are good enough to sing those songs 'straight' which is why everything sounded exactly the same as every other song they've sung this season, that is, bad pop r'n'b.

When Gums was doing his 'riffs' I wanted to tear his tongue out.

And Gokey...don't even get me started. The guy should be put in prison for voice rape. Especially considering the way he groped Allison during the fake food fight sequence last night.

cattyfan:

I'll look up that version and see if I like it any better.

and I agree about Gums's attempts at "riffs."

wintersux:

Cattyfan, glad I'm not the only person who doesn't like it. I will also check out the Elvis Costello version, but I think I'm still going to be annoyed by the crazy lyrics.

v_cap:

Love the Blog. I just discovered this comic little treasure of a blog that covers all of my favorite shows and I am hooked. As a newbee please excuse me while I ask for some clearification on some of the nicknames.
Skara I get.
Gums I get.
Church Lady I get.
Glambert I get.

please explain:
Chola for Allison
Tink for Ryan (I am sure I can guess about this one)
Krispy Tink for Kris
is there anything for Randy and Simon?

big ups on the throat olympics comment!
Marylynn Chambers is Michael Phelps, Mark Spits and Carl Lewis all rolled into one in the Throat Olympics.

keep it comin!

mamatl:

A chola is a latina, typically a Mexican-American, that wears a lot of makeup: thick eyeliner, dark brown or red lipstick, thin scary eyebrows, hairgel for a "scrunched" look or straight and arched on top. Allison wore this arched hairstyle a couple of times: the "chola" look is common in southern California, where's she's from, I think.

Ryan is Tink because...well, Tinker Bell, fairy...you get the idea.

Krispy Tink...hmmmm. Well, his name is Kris and he's like Ryan's mini-me. =)

Hope this helps, v-cap!

ichy - yes, voice rape is exactly what CL does! Oh, and eye fucking the camera. So gross! It's worse with him than with Glam because I at least appreciate the camp when it comes to Hambert.

tv freak:

tink=tinkerbell

nice into the woods reference...you made one during big brother last summer also lol...you must like it

with all the similarities between krispy twink and tink, i think we should change krispy twink to krispy tink

i think something is wrong with my tv...this week i'm disagreeing with many of you:

kris sounded good but a little off. same with allison

gums had some bad notes, but i thought it was one of his better performances

danny i liked...until he started belting...seriously? why isn't he out yet...

adam was great as usual, but i thought it was one of his weaker performances

my rankings:

adam
allison
matt (i'm probably biased)
kris
danny

Donna Martin Graduates!:

Okay, regarding Taylor Hicks playing Teen Angel from Grease, I want to point out that this is a mere CAMEO -- this character sings ONE song, namely "Beauty School Dropout" in Act 2 (from memory) and then either disappears or is an unremarkable player within the main ensemble.

But the most egregious part of Hicks appearing in this fine musical, (I know it fairly well -- I worked backstage on it many moons ago with an excellent young cast that included Guy Pearce as a brilliant Danny Zuko) is the following:

At the conclusion of the currently staged musical, apparently just before people can get up an leave, an announcer rings out with "Let's go from “1959 to 2009!!” and Taylor Hicks whips out his harmonica and comes back out to perform as Taylor Hicks, regaling the trapped audience with one (or more?) songs from his new album.

W T F U C K ??!!?!!?

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