Intensity. Drama. White people doing runs. Judges using the word "brilliant" way too much. Jamie Foxx saying things like "five people who shocked the world" and "throat Olympics ". Choir directors who look like lesbians with glued on chin hair.
This. Is the end of the world. And THIS. Is American Idol Results!
Now that Earth day has come and gone, the producers can go back to using 8,000,000,000 kw of power to light the stage. Poor Tink is squinting. Surely the tanning bed has already started the skin cancer process, but this show has sealed his fate. Poor little guy will be dead by 50.
AHHHH! IT BUUUURNS!
I don't know how I missed this shot last night, but I did. Thanks to FOX for the extra hour of filler or this pic would be lost to me forever.
LOL
So this has nothing to do with the show, but I was just messing around on Facebook and FozzieBare posted a video of Sarah Palin on American Chopper. I need to become besties with Palin, just so I could have dibs on this couch when she passes away.
Back to the show. Randy arrived tonight very confident in his heterosexuality. He's gained a lot of weight back, so he stole Hambert's Mary Kay lady's pink Cadillac and wore it. With the Mary Kay Lady still in it.
Give me back my car you maniac! I sold 95,000 lipsticks for this thing!
Look at this kid in the audience. He is reacting to nothing.
I love this show.
The newly crowned Miss El Paso rides by on her float and waves like the Queen of England.
¡Gracias por sus votos, El Paso! ¡Vuelva a la casa de mi mamá para cierta grandes comida, tequilas, y música del mariachi!
Paula was running a bit behind tonight. You can tell because her scalp is visible, which means she didn't have time to pick a wig. She just wrapped herself in as much tinfoil QVC jewelry as she could and ran out the door. She didn't even have time to notice that there's a little robot clawing into the side of her head, sucking out witticisms while her boobs take their weekly sip of Coke.
Simon is his usual butt cut just rolled out of bed self. He tells Tink that when he went back and watched the show on TV, everyone was good and it's the first season where anyone could win. Good mood! Someone's getting laid. And her name is Susan Boyle.
The Ford commercial is about Gums Giraud getting ready to do what he has to do to make it in Hollywood.
Hold those ankles as tight as you can and maybe find something to bite down on. Like a pillow.
It's all done in black and white today. It's called ART, umkay? There's a car in the middle of the desert and everyone races to get to it. Hambert kinda walks behind everyone like "There is no way in hell I'm running for a cheap ass Ford" and Church Lady runs like a knock kneed girl.
America's favorite Chola pretty much sums up the experience of driving a Ford for us.
The car is on fire and barreling towards them, but unfortunately misses. Instead, it drives around them and turns the desert into a lush garden. Because cars are really. Really. Really good for the environment. Especially Fords, cuz they only work for a couple years. Can't pollute if your car don't run.
The group number is "Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't Got That Swing", and it's not pre-recorded. Cholaheta tips us off by singing her line off key. Gums is next, and he adds as many runs as he can into one line. He is hiding his forehead fetus again tonight with a fedora pulled as far down as it would go, which just makes him look like a grumpy old man. A drunk one.
Krispy Twink sings next, but all I hear is plaid. Please. Make him stop wearing plaid every. Single. Day. Church Lady and Hambert are there too, and they add their growl/squeal like a pissed off bat sounds, respectively. As far as being the most talented cast EVAH, that blew. It was both Church Lady and Cholaheta's birthday this week, so to celebrate, the kids all made cake. Guess who ended up doing everything?
« Celebrity Apprentice: Forgooing the Right Guard | Main | Make Me a Supermodel: Barnyard Animals and Bacon....I Love Thee »


Comments (21)
Thanks for another great recap, Flip. You take mocking to a level that the rest of us dream of, but will never achieve.
I didn't get Jamie's song at all, and I gave it at least 2 seconds. Made me feel old too, but then I was glad.
Hambert in the bottom 3? Hilarious.
1 of 21 | Posted by briar | Posted on May 1, 2009 3:17 AM
An early AI results recap.... BEST. BIRTHDAY. PRESENT. EVER.
I wonder what it's like WATCHING AI with you, Flipit. If it's anything like you're recaps, you need to set up a webcam and broadcast that shit!!!
Rock Week + Krispy Twink = DANGER!!! I'm so worried. Please let him pick good songs, pull together killer arrangements, and knock Church Lady back to whatever hole he crawled out of.
2 of 21 | Posted by slumrville | Posted on May 1, 2009 6:19 AM
Flipit! Love you! How you make an almost unwatchable television show hilarious is amazing!
Page 3, all the way down, last picture - I don't know that Simon seems turned on as much as his is doing the universal "blow my brains out" sign after having to endure Jaime Foxx singing -- good lord!
I have a question - so next week is rock week? And there are only 4 left, right? And there are now 4 judges? So how come it isn't "judges choice" week?
Hmm..maybe next week Hokey will forget his lyrics!! That would rock my world!
3 of 21 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on May 1, 2009 8:36 AM
I loved Gokey's response to the cleaning bill. You had to listen under what Ryan was saying, but his response was, "Really? With all the money you guys are making off of us?"
4 of 21 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 1, 2009 8:40 AM
Also, rabid fans of the show won't like reading things like this,
"But according to our snitch, crowd favorite Adam Lambert (who lives in Hollywood) has the luxury of sneaking off to his own apartment which is close by. "He would go insane if he couldn't get away," added our source. "He resisted going on 'Idol' for years, he thought the show was silly and didn't want to make it through reality television. But after years of struggling, he bit the bullet and just went for it."
(that's from an article done by Fox, in which the contestants talked about how tight security is, and being sequestered in their mansion.)
5 of 21 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 1, 2009 8:50 AM
Great recap (as always).
I was pleasantly surprised by Taylor Hicks' performance. Of course, he was the meat in a "must FF" sandwich.
Simon was right that none of the five was horrible this week, but I thought Matt was the right one to go... having Ham in the bottom two added some unexpected drama.
I'm still for Allison and Ham in the finals, but any combination is possible.
My mouth dropped (but not for the same reason) when Scara made her remark about her jaw always dropping for Ham! LOL
6 of 21 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 1, 2009 8:58 AM
Nothing better than a snark sandwich for breakfast--Thanks Flip!!! This one was loaded with extra snark and was super delicious!!! xoxoxoxo
My friend pointed out how CL goes to extremes--like the imitations, everyone did a straight forward imitation, but he did Gums like a goat (dlisted dubbed him Timbermole--hee) Then, after a light dusting of flour, he dumps the whole thing on Chola's head. He is probably the biggest puss in real life--no wonder I'm lusting . . . (oh my sad sorry life, I knew I couldn't resist a big asshole, but I didn't know it would tread into douche territory! help)
That undiscovered Scara footage looks like "Brains" --is it me!?
Cattyfan--very interesting article, doesn't really make me hate hammy tho, makes him seem more like us, and good for him heading home for a nooner!
I think predicting from here is going to be a bitch!!! Did anyone think that was a set up putting Glam in the bottom? Peeps here in the office do . . .
Anyhoo, here's his chance to do GnR--Sweet child, or I say, November Rain--seems dramatic enough.
NO matter what, Ham, Chol and CL will get signed by 19--I"m not sure they're as into Krispy. And I"m also wondering who'll open the show, and who'll get the pimp spot--anyone keeping score on that, coz Ham's gotten 3 or so, has Allison gotten 1, and CL it's 1 or 2--Krispy is 1 I think. It'll be interesting . . .
7 of 21 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 1, 2009 11:57 AM
You know, I was in an antique store once and I saw a stuffed bear like the “working bear” in the commercial. The stuffed bear had his arms up in the air all Scary and threatening. I didn’t buy him. I should have. He would have gone well with the other stuff in my apartment: the Boy Scout mannequin, the Victorian bronze statues of nude men, the stuffed owl, the creepy Masonic stuff… [sigh]
Uh, regarding the show: Natalie Cole has the skinny legs of a crack whore.
As for that Jamie Fox -- that song was crap from Jamie’s craphole.
Juddfan please go to your local community center and request some free counseling. Tell them you have Gokey fever. I’ve heard that the cure for this disease is to take the fever victim to the nearest gay bar and have every queer in the place bitch slap the fever victim.
8 of 21 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on May 1, 2009 12:55 PM
as much as i hate to say it, i was kinda glad that Matt left. i still wish it had been danny or even kris/chola, but i'm glad it wasn't adam. if adam had left, danny would be the certain winner. and when church lady wins, everyone loses.
i did like that matt seemed to go out on a high note. i thought he was good, and he was better on the results show imo.
grats matt and thanks for the kalamazoo shoutout!
now i get to return to my normal, unbiased self next week!
9 of 21 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 1, 2009 1:11 PM
tv freak......"and when church lady wins, everyone loses."
LOL!!!!!
10 of 21 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on May 1, 2009 1:18 PM
BTW, Flipit, the cap of timbermole grabbing his ankles was tooo funny, guess I'm heading to my nearest watering hole to do the same and hope to find the cure, ala Mr. Dangerous . . . . never thought I'd be begging for a beating!!!
11 of 21 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 1, 2009 1:36 PM
Okay, I'm not all that religious, (eh-hem) but I am PRAYING that Church Lady whips out a kazoo next week.
The Temple City Kazoo Orchestra did an awesome kazoo version of Whole Lotta Love, for example, CL could definitely pull that one off. (You can hear it on Youtube).
Lots of screaming, tons of spit. And he could always do a medley with that and Stairway to Heaven, just to make sure he doesn't let a week go by without somehow pimping his dead wife.
Hear that, god? Now's your chance to prove you exist. Gokey. Kazoo. Whole Lotta Love. Give me that, and I'll mutilate ...er, I mean, circumcise my kids.
Next week is going to be ridiculous -- I'm trying to imagine Krispy Twink singing a rock song...then I get an image of his child-bride wife (who looks like she's 12), and just start to giggle.
But mostly I can't wait to see which songs Hambert and Church Lady each choose to destroy in their own special ways.
If ever Allison is going to kick butt, it's next week. It's her last chance.
12 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 1, 2009 2:27 PM
Great recap.
I was so grossed out when Simon was running his finger over his lips while looking up at the stage.
I like those Mother Nature Corporation vs Vitamin 10 spots.
Natalie Cole's looks 5 times better that she did at this years Grammys. She has Hepatitis C (prob, from her drug use in the late 70's and early 80's) and was given some kind of Chemotherapy for 4 months. The Chemo caused her kidney's to fail and she now needs a transplant. Still she definitely is looking like Whitney H did when she was on that hard stuff.
I hope Rock week exposes CL for the poser he is. He is so not a star. Him winning would be like Taylor Hick all over again.
A and A for the finals.
13 of 21 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on May 1, 2009 3:57 PM
happy bday slumr! i am glad you were born! thanks so much for reading you guys. your comments are always hilary. i am really proud of myself for making fun of a woman who just got done with chemo. really, really, proud. sorry natalie cole!! love
14 of 21 | Posted by flipit | Posted on May 1, 2009 4:04 PM
Jamie Foxx has a REALLY good voice, I promise. Just... not so much when 'singing' hip hop. He should have done one of his slower numbers from his previous album. His voice is butter on those songs.
15 of 21 | Posted by natpatben | Posted on May 1, 2009 4:30 PM
Yet another fantastic Flipit recap!! I voted for Allison at least 10 times Tuesday night... that was all I could manage until the wine made me pass out on my couch. Seriously, that is the first time I have voted since Justin Guarini in Season 1 (and I will admit....bad call on that one, but I was young). I would definitely buy a Chola album, but I will admit that the Glambert has been growing on me in recent weeks.
Oh, and I am pretty positive that Natalie Cole is in dire need of a kidney transplant and that is probably why she resembles an anorexic crack whore at the moment. Seriously, I think she is Patrick Swayze sick.... but touring Korea apparently. WTF?
16 of 21 | Posted by Jem is Outrageous | Posted on May 1, 2009 9:04 PM
I hear body parts are going pretty cheap in North Korea these days...
(oh...I am SO glad there is no such thing as hell....)
17 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 2, 2009 12:36 AM
Whoa, ichy, with that last comment... I still snickered though, so here's to hoping you're theory is true...
Flipit, I would totally buy your album featuring PapaFlip - back pain and forehead babies... Platinum hilarity. But, I'm seriously biased. The recap was the best I've read in a while. Thanks for the laughs and seat wetting!
Good call on the Taylor Hicks thing. I compared the two before, but it's true as godawful and wrong as Taylor is, CL is ever more the bottom of the barrel knockoff version of that awfulness.
18 of 21 | Posted by mamatl | Posted on May 2, 2009 1:47 PM
I'm sorry, but six thousand bucks to clean up that swanky kitchen?!
Dey was HOSED!
Maybe get a quote first next time?! dumbasses.
19 of 21 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 2, 2009 1:51 PM
No doubt the true total of the bill was closer to Six Thousand Six Hundred and Sixty-six.
But that takes too long to read and the producers were worried about running over time.
20 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 3, 2009 12:03 AM
thanks carmel. that made my day. i think i'm gonna print your comment out and frame it
i read an article about how gums plans to pursue rock and roll....aparently he will never learn...
went on facebook the other day...i found out one of my friends not only is a huge CL fan, but thinks he's hot. after i wiped the vomit off my keyboard, i launched into a huge rant on her. haven't checked facebook since...she's probably so pissed...
love the 6,666 dollars comment...could it be...SATAN?
21 of 21 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 3, 2009 4:43 PM