And now for tonight's mentor. Some people look at Slash and think of the brilliant lead guitarist for Guns N' Roses. I see the guy making sculptures out of his boogars that I don't wanna get stuck waiting for the bus next to.
The contestants all meet Slash at The Roxy on the strip and will get their mentoring sessions with Slash and his band. Ham rocks his head as Slash plays, which cracks me up. Ham has really committed himself to his whole rocker persona on AI, but if you search his name on YouTube it's all cabaret performances and showtunes and stuff. I wonder if Slash has YouTubed Ham.
Dude, I just gotta say, that number from Brigadoon you do on YouTube rocked my world.
Hambert's first with "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin. Slash's advice is to not go too nuts in the squeal register cuz his lower notes sound really good. Not gonna happen but thanks, k? Ham comes out with a new haircut, and my Kris Kardashian prediction wasn't far off.
He opens with Cher face.
Ham's really got the hair band thing down pat. Every time he sings my mind wanders back to being dropped off at the roller rink with enough money for my skate rental and a pickle. My meemaw told me metal was the devil's music, and it was all they played at the rink so I would hide in a corner by the snack bar and listen to Amy Grant on my walkman til my mom came to pick me up four hours later. I guess what I'm trying to say is Ham makes me feel abandoned. He also makes me crave pickles.
Predictably, he nails this one. Was it all screeching squealing shouting squirming and pain? Yes, but that's the point. And he did the Cher/Elvis hybrid face like five times, so I'm all for him. Another thing he did this week was cross one eye to look at his nose while the other looked out at the audience. This guy has an unlimited amount of tricks.
Focus.
The audience loses their minds. This twelve year old developed a worry crease in two minutes. Poor thing. Hambert is bad for your face.
Randy says there was no Broadway in that performance, and he means it as a compliment. Skara calls Ham a Rock GOD and it's time to bring back glam rock from the eighties cuz no one's doing it. Imagine that, no one doing glam rock from the eighties. Then Skara starts screaming. And she doesn't stop. Paula calls him "A Whole Lotta Perfect". She may not have had a dress rehearsal to write notes on the performance, but she had a song list to base her witticisms on! Simon teases that the performance was underrated and calls it one of Ham's best pieces. He finishes with "nobody can top that!" But I can't wait to see Church Lady try!
Cholaheta has her usual look of shock that she's on TV. I wish that whoever directs this show would stop making Chola sit on that damn stool in her tight clothes. It's not flattering.
She has new hair tonight, and tells Tink that she went to Ham's wig stylist. Sharing! Slash doesn't have much advice for her. He just wants her to let go of her fear. Thanks for being here, Slash! Chola's singing Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby". I love me some Janis Joplin!! Did you know that she was voted ugliest man on campus in college? How can you not root for her? Even though she's, you know, dead. Go Janis! Slash may not have had much advice for Chola, but she ran with what he gave her. No fear there today. She throws all caution to the wind and belts the shit out of the song. She sounds like Janis would if she had lived to be fifty.
The fun part of Idol is watching these fish come into their own. Chola hasn't changed much from week to week, and the song or the performance wasn't that different from her usual bag of tricks, but she opened up and kicked some butt. I worry for her though, cuz when her song is over Skara looks bored/mad.
I can't believe Ham wore my jacket. What a bitch.
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Comments (18)
YAY! There is hope for me, as I have finally joined the CL hate train!!!! Who knew it would be rock week that would do it for me!
Thanks for the speedy recap as always, I loved your skating story--did you really not skate and just eat pickles--too rich! I bet it was those big pickles too . . . and Amy Grant . . . . hehehehehe I secretly loved the Carpenters and Jackson 5 (and still doooooo)
so back to the hate fest, Gott in Himmel, what a douche--can't believe after bursting our ear drums, and probably sending ambulances to every home with their windows open, he disagrees with the judges!!! Could it please be the thing to send him packing, could it!? Why am I so in doubt, even though the internet is a blaze with hate and doomsday predictions!!!
The manipulations of the judges is so gross and blatant, I almost went for it and voted for Krispy, as he's obviously who they want gone, but I don't think they'd care if it were Chola at this point either. If anyone else had scatted in that song, their head would have rolled into the mosh pit, imagine Lil. And you know what, all these weeks are often outside of people's comfort zones, and yet, did Lil get a pass for country . . . I bet Paula had marshmellows under the desk for those weeks of skewering . . .
And for heaven's sake, they hand him a pass, and he's still all upset. I thought he sucked in the duet, as in all the energy out of the song, band and room, and poor little Krispy was just hung out there all alone. It did make me think Krispy could have done "Blue Collar Man" tho.
Didn't hate Krispy, didn't love Allison, thought Glam was karaoke ish with that, and didn't love it, but it's nice to have a big queen representing. I did regret he had to sing "woman" oh well . .. . . I guess it could apply in some circles . . .
Thanks again for getting this out before tonight, I might just explode depending on how this plays out . . .
1 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 6, 2009 6:27 PM
In my quest for the correct words to describe Danny Gokeys ear hemorrhage performance.. (seriously, my brain was as fried as the Losties when the Island turned purple!!)
I look to the wise King of Eloquence himself Mr. Gordon Ramsay.. when I say,
"F*cking Hell..WOT was THAT!?"
2 of 18 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 6, 2009 6:36 PM
I have been a Danny Gokey fan since the auditions...and even I think he should be sent home for that assault on Steven Tyler. Holy cow!
On the other hand, I've despised Adam from square one...but LOVED the Adam/Allison duet. Best thing all season.
I don't remember Kris singing this week. Either it was completely unmemorable, or it was so bad, my mind blocked it out to protect me. But I can't imagine it being worse than that sound Danny made at the end of his song. What WAS that??? Ferret in a wood chipper?
3 of 18 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 6, 2009 8:10 PM
Ok no joke, my ears are still in pain from that horrendous screaming Church Lady did.... It was painful.
This season as a whole is such a disappointment that I've stopped watching, I much prefer to just read your recaps and use my imagination :P
Isn't that SPECIAL?! (kills me every time!)
Please never leave us :*
4 of 18 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on May 6, 2009 10:43 PM
I, for one, was flattered that Gokey made kazoo noises for me in the middle of his song.
Not enough to get me to believe in all that god hoohaw, though. Sorry, bub. You're still the biggest douchenozzle in America right now.
I suppose the fact that they had Adam sing Whole Lotta Love was meant to get me at least to believe in Satan?
Who knew a simple comment on TVgasm could have so much power?
I actually started to like Chola this show-- she's a cute kid, and the exercise/diet regime they had her on at the mansion is starting to show results. Of course, the fact that I started to like her meant that it was her time to go...
It's also really cute how the judges pander to Church Lady (and Monkeyface) by excusing their inability to sing by saying that rock isn't really their thing... Of course, judging from the past weeks, NO musical genre seems to be their thing.
And yet, they've got the vast army of bible-thumpers and middle-aged women on their sides. So they'll go far, I'm not worried.
Hambert... I'd still like him to win, but only as a big DENY to Church Lady. Otherwise, I just can't see Lamebert being at all interesting as a bonafide musical artist. Theater, sure. But music? Nope.
5 of 18 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 7, 2009 5:48 AM
America got it wrong again. Church Lady must have sold his soul to Satan. Or Lenscrafters. Pfft.
Poor Chola, not a chance. I really liked her hair last night -- way to exit the stage, hon.
Churchie's smug little "Oh I listened with my family and ouchie!" story chapped my hide something awful, but probably warmed the cockles of his fans' hearts. Aw. Shut up. Go away, smug man. My ears still hurt from your shrieking impersonation of Steven Tyler. If I were Steven Tyler, I'd hunt your sorry arse down and string up by your toenails for you douchbagging his song. Grr.
6 of 18 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on May 7, 2009 6:15 AM
Love these recaps.
I would have put money on you having a screenshot of that girl being knocked over by the camera man. Best part of the show LOL!
7 of 18 | Posted by IMissColleen | Posted on May 7, 2009 6:37 AM
So Flipit...I totally love your recaps, but really what I wanted to tell you was that when I went to the roller skating rink as a child I always made sure I had enough money to get a big pickle too!
And listenting to Church hurt and the fact that he so smugly disagreed with the judges about how it sounded good to him just made me hate him even more. Ugh!!!
8 of 18 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on May 7, 2009 7:21 AM
uh, I like that song "Baby, Baby."
I voted for Krispy (cause he's...well, he's cute) and Adam (cause he's got talent).
I missed the first 1/2 hour because I didn't get home to, like, 8:30 cause I was finishing a paper at work for a class I don't like...so I really appreciated your unbiased and totally neutral recap
Flipster
Uh, you must prepare yourself for what might happen.
9 of 18 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on May 7, 2009 7:59 AM
itchy: lots of middle aged women (like me) are voting for Hambert-- he reminds us of our best gay friend in college! Can't figure out who is voting for Gokey--kinda creepy. Sad to see Allison leave, would have loved an Allison/Ham finale--loved their duet. And finally, love you Flipit!
10 of 18 | Posted by exene | Posted on May 7, 2009 8:46 AM
Thanks for another quick n funny recap. (You deserve a home town visit more than some of the contestants).
I thought Ham was clearly the best... plus he had the pimp spot for his duet - which was also great.
The judges clearly favor some contestants over others, and subtly(?) try to influence the voters.
I thought the person eliminated this week should have made the finals... but, based on skills and performances, I think Ham clearly should win.
I don't "hate" the other two, but don't care if I ever hear from them again, either.
11 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 7, 2009 9:03 AM
My nieces (ages 28 and 22) are going to see Danny during his hometown visit.
I hope he doesn't torture them with a rendition of Dream On...
12 of 18 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 7, 2009 9:15 AM
Did anyone else catch Skara spout off yet another dumbass comment when she was telling danny that she thought that one of Areosmiths early songs liek Cryin or Amazing would have been a better choice for him??? WTF? those songs both came out about 15 to 20 years after Dream On. She is such a TWAT WAFFLE!
Why everyone is so up in arms about the results from week to week is amazing to me, because everyone has been singing for second place for weeks!
13 of 18 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on May 7, 2009 10:23 AM
I heard Paula on the radio this morning (Kidd Kraddick show), denying that she's ever been addicted to painkillers and saying that she was misquoted. There's supposedly going to be a press release today about it. I don't see how she's going to get out of this one as I'm sure the interviewer (Billy Bush?) taped it.
14 of 18 | Posted by elle67 | Posted on May 7, 2009 11:04 AM
It was lame that they kicked off with the rockingest perf of the night, as it was all downhill from there.
Church Lady stank the joint up.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 7, 2009 12:40 PM
Hambert without the makeup is a handsome young fellow. He looks like he's had a nose job, though.
American Idol needs to forget trying to create rock stars. You can't really create a rock star; there are very few solo rock acts anymore, like the old days with Janis Joplin, or even Sammy Hagar. It's all about bands now, and they are born on YouTube, FaceBook, and iTunes. Daughtry has done well for himself and he has talent, but I don't know if Ham will be able to sell a big rock album.
I was disappointed they didn't sing Guns'n'Roses songs; maybe some trouble with Axl? There are many that even Church Lady could have handled, like "Patience" or "Sweet Child of Mine," and I'd like to hear Ham sing "Welcome to the Jungle" (though CL singing it would have been hilarious).
16 of 18 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 7, 2009 7:48 PM
Both Joplin and Hagar started off as lead singers in bands.
David Bowie comes to mind as someone who was solo pretty much from the get-go.
Not too many others.
If AI really wanted to make rock stars, it shouldn't focus most of the season on maudlin RnB and insipid MOR songs.
I agree, I would have loved to see Church Lady try to do that snakelike swaying thing Axl used to do.
Although anyone ever noticed that CL's left hand looks and acts like a snake when he's singing -- it's always darting out there, like it's about to swallow a rat.
17 of 18 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 7, 2009 10:59 PM
There were a few solo acts in the '80s, like Brian Adams, Corey Hart, Eddie Money...
They should stick to R & B, soul, and pop on AI. If they had a really promising, cutting edge rocker (or rapper), the judges would probably hate him, and he'd just be too much for mainstream America. (I'm thinking somebody like Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Tech 9, Everlast, MGMT, etc.)
18 of 18 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 8, 2009 8:24 PM