Globalization invades Who-ville.
Jim Carrey, what happened to you? You're a whore for peddling your new Fox movie, but hey, you appear to hate it as much as I hate drawn-out results shows, contestants who channel Alvin and the Chipmunks on downers, and handles on doors that are meant to be pushed, not pulled open (amirite?). Yay for massive conglomerate parent companies! We have to synergize backward overflow, American Idol!
We're treated to a Horton intro of excited Whos needing the elephant to get off his fat ass and fix their antenna, 'cause Seacrest is looking fuzzy on the TV set. Really. And then we're supposed to ooh and ahh over Nigel shelling out some more bucks for the opening special effects, since it makes last week's stuff look like the first episodes of South Park. It's a bit creepy, actually, and looks like rejected snippets from the intro of The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
"WHAT?! We're being compared to unborn fetuses by pro-lifers?!"
Seacrest enters to announce that over 29 million votes were cast, and over 28.99 million of them were rendered null by the show's super-secret superdelegates. Our judges look appropriately subdued, as they know we're in for an hour of cross-promotion and delayed results that could actually be delivered faster than those on a pregnancy pee-stick. Paula is dressed up as a Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil packet you can stick in the oven with your potatoes and veggies.
They plump when you cook them!
Our special guest of the night is Jim Carrey, who regrets he wasn't offered Stranger Than Fiction. Our Method actor is dressed as Horton the Elephant tonight, and it seems like he's off some sort of medication or perhaps on speed/cocaine because his foot/paw is jiggling frantically. Horton the Corporate Whore admits that Fox is doing the movie and stresses that he's contractually obligated to do this. "You like to point out the elephant in the room, right?" Yeah, well, there's nothing demeaning about giant floppy ears, giant paws and humongous feet. Jim Carrey threatens to poop his pants on national television, to no avail.
The man was thisclose to working at the steel mill.
Because the Top 12 Lennon and McCartney Tribute/Trainwreck was so popular, next week is also going to be Beatles Week! Oh, and because they couldn't get the licensing for any Ace of Base songs. But it's time for the Happy Happy Joy Joy Goup Sing, which starts with a country-infected version of "All My Loving" where Michael Johns tries to harmonize with Carly, but then forgets the lyrics like Fetus did on Tuesday. And then he tries to repeat it with a flat-ironed version of Kristy. It's cheesier than that new Taco Bell stringy cheesy melty crap burrito that they keep plugging in the commercial breaks and full of awkward staging and blocking.
Two A-holes adopt an Asian baby.
Somewhere, Donald Trump is gloating that his Miss Universe pageant choreography is more well-rehearsed and slutty. Greasy lovechild Castro runs up the stairs to kick off the second part of the medley with "I Feel Fine" and scampers back for some attempts at group line dancing that show us exactly how uncoordinated some of these people are.
Totally owned by the kids from Barney .
I must say, Chikezie has a spring in his step that I haven't really seen lately, probably 'cause he realizes he can quit school now. Then again, anyone looks happier than Jim Carrey right now, as we switch between shots of our Idol hopefuls and the world's saddest Elephant-who-is-deathly-allergic-to-peanuts. We get various arrangements/trios of our Top 12 while they warble through the rest of the songs. Fetus "Can't Buy Me Love" but he can apparently buy multiple popped collars while David H. kicks off his national plea with "Help, I need better PR control!" Now with harmonies gone to hell! Isn't there a fleet of old Beach Boys/Beatles who can help these people out when they're hacking melodies to jagged bits? No?
Why has God forsaken me?
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Comments (20)
I didn't realize how much "I missed" while I was cooking the steaks on the grill outside. As icky as this guy was, you're right: The country girl should have gone home. Every time she made an appearance, I'd say "We already have a Carrie Underwood." And thanks for reminding me of the Helen Keller shirt. I know you added that just for me! :)
1 of 20 | Posted by geewits | Posted on March 14, 2008 12:25 AM
"Your hair will never be as awesome or abundant as mine. XO, The Ghost of John Lennon"
Best. Caption. Ever!
2 of 20 | Posted by whatthefrig | Posted on March 14, 2008 6:56 AM
I have never protested or anything, but I wept every time I read Horton Hears a Who when I was pregnant. It still gets me choked up.
But, other than that, your recap was appreciated.
3 of 20 | Posted by 1976honi | Posted on March 14, 2008 9:30 AM
Some of the funniest writing ever!
4 of 20 | Posted by CrzyC874 | Posted on March 14, 2008 9:49 AM
David H. was bound to get eliminated at some point. So I am not shocked. Even though Kristy suck a big one and she should of gone first.
I like the fact that there are actual musicians in the competition this year instead of just singers. However I have a sneaking suspicion that the winner this year will be completely forgetable and unable to sell albums. (kinda like Taylor Hicks and Rueben Studdard)
As much as I want Jason Castro to win I know he wont. He will be the next Chris Daughtry. He'll come in somewhere around third or fourth but go on to be incredibly successful. I like that he knows who he is. I know what type of album to expect and I already want to buy it. Also he is oh so delightfully baked.
Carly and Micheal are talented but forgetable. I just cant figure out what thier jenre is. They had recording contracts before. If they couldnt work it out then I just dont see it working out now.
Brook gets on my nerves cause she's just so freaking happy yet I get that emotionally unstable vibe from her. Also she cant play the piano without looking at the keys. That really bugged me.
Sanjaya cant take the hint and just go AWAY!
I love your recaps, you always point something out that I missed so then I have to rewatch and laugh at it.
5 of 20 | Posted by donnac923 | Posted on March 14, 2008 10:27 AM
I forgot to mention how I think Micheal Johns kinda looks like one of the Rice Crispy elves in the face. He just needs a hat.
6 of 20 | Posted by donnac923 | Posted on March 14, 2008 10:35 AM
Love the recap! So funny!
Watching David A. on Tuesday reminded me of gymnastics class where girls would get up on the balance beam, fall off, get back on like 6 times during a 2 1/2 minute routine. Ya know, you just want to tap them on the shoulder and be like, "just give up honey."
Oh - and did I mention I cannot stand Kristy Lee Cook and her damn lunges - are you at the gym, or singing on American Idol?!?! WTF I mean, everyone called ManTana (one of my favs) the "sanjaya" of this season but I contend that Wide Stance (seriously, Ryan could crawl through her legs during one of her performances) is the true sanjaya -
I'm also glad that Mikey Johns just stood there and sang to the audience and not the ceiling for once, its like he's in a Baptist church or something!
Let's see what happens next week -
PS. When the hell are they gonna sing songs that have been written in the last 20 years?
7 of 20 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on March 14, 2008 11:21 AM
I like Kristy - I think she is capable of doing better, but this week, it was between her and David H. I agree that she DOES have a weird/awkward stance when she sings. I feel like I'm in a beginners karate class.
They have a lottery in my state, using numbers on ping pong balls. They show the weekly results in a commercial spot between shows. Blink, and you miss it. That is how Idol should do it. Our time is too valuable to sit through a ferstunkinna one hour commercial.
8 of 20 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 14, 2008 11:48 AM
Tvo--such a great recap!!!! Loved every scathing word!!!
Sorry to see the strippah go--he should have taken a cue from Madonna and said, "I ain't takin' off shit today!"
oh well, pizza place it was . . . I hear on TMZ he may get a deal anyway, we'll see . . .
They only had 25 Beatle songs to pick from this week, so perhaps this week we'll have "Lucy in the Sky" "Helter Skelter" or even a country version of "Penny Lane"
9 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 14, 2008 11:55 AM
Seriously, enough with the old songs. Most of these contestants weren't even born until the 80s or 90s.
10 of 20 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on March 14, 2008 12:13 PM
Best recap of an Idol episode. "The Face that Launched a Thousand Shits?" "Jesus tapdancing Christ?" Those are definitely being added to my daily vocabulary.
11 of 20 | Posted by sweetiedarlng | Posted on March 14, 2008 12:17 PM
"I Saw Her Standing There (Next to the Guy I had to Service)." ---OMG I YELPED with laughter at this and now my bosses are suspicious of my internet use/abuse. Oh well it was worth it! Hilarious recap!!!
12 of 20 | Posted by AssBurger | Posted on March 14, 2008 1:46 PM
Am I the only person in the world that finds the Beatles, McCartney and Lennon songs boring as hell?
This show was so boring and now they are saying by popular demand they will do it again next week?
I say bull they have been sucking up to McCartney for years trying to get him on to perform.
13 of 20 | Posted by KutiePie | Posted on March 14, 2008 1:52 PM
No KutiePie, you are not the only one. I hated this past week, and I couldn't believe when i heard they were doing another beatles week. Especially after already having a 60s and 70s week. So of the 5 weeks of semifinals/finals, 4 of them will have been 70s or earlier music. With the new super duper starship set, why is the music so dated?
14 of 20 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on March 14, 2008 2:21 PM
I do a lot of flipping during the results shows. I had the Big Brother as a back up for this one. Cannot stand the medleys. Painful.
And loved, "Brooke and the tear that saved Hilary." Nice.
Country girl or Hernandez, either one for me. But Hernadez does stay on tune.
Good recap.
My sister has a thing about Brooke, and it is the same kind of thing that you have. Not believing it. I sent her the site so she can feel redeemed.
15 of 20 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on March 14, 2008 5:03 PM
I totally LOL'd at this whole thing. Fucking hilarious recap!
I've been ranting about this for over a week and a half now: if Amanda would sing "Helter Skelter," I will just DIE. I love that song, and I think Amanda could do it well. Alas, that's not exactly a family-friendly song, so I can't see her doing it. Oh wellz...
Oh, and that Fetus caption was HORRIBLE!
I loved it.
16 of 20 | Posted by GildedLulz | Posted on March 14, 2008 7:56 PM
Thanks for the awesome recap. I can't bring myself to sit through these borefests anymore so you're doing the Lord's work.
I always rolled my eyes at the completely unabashed commercialism of this show, but seeing a pic of Jim Carrey making a complete ass of himself---IN COSTUME--- is more than I can take. If he was pissy because Mr. Oscar has escaped him thus far, he can fo' sho' kiss it goodbye now!!
I agree with the other posters, by the way...I'm 40 for fuck's sake, and I'm like, "What's with the goddamn old songs I've never heard of?!".
17 of 20 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on March 14, 2008 8:15 PM
..."making me want to drop-kick a fluffy puppy or two just to balance out the universe."
LMFAO.
agreed
18 of 20 | Posted by em92992 | Posted on March 15, 2008 7:33 PM
I personally am a fan of most Beatles songs - I just object to hearing them obliterated by some wanna be singers!
Great recap - and my daughter would agree with both you and em92992 - too much cute is a bad thing!
19 of 20 | Posted by kdfinjpn | Posted on March 15, 2008 11:53 PM
Carrey did say he was contractually obligated to be there (poor guy).
But his manically jiggling leg was disturbing...
20 of 20 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 16, 2008 1:24 PM