Oh, American Idol. How I love you so. This show can turn even the most wretched of experiences positive. Yesterday, I worked a flight from Newark, New Jersey to Vail, Colorado. This is one of the most dreaded flights in the system, because it's a plane full of coach passengers (and their nannies) who think they're flying on their own private jet. I hated pretty much all of them. But there was one lady in particular whom I held special contempt for.
When I boarded, I lovingly furnished each passenger seat with a blanket. When she boarded, she stole about ten of them off other people's seats for her and her brood. She sauntered to the bathroom about three seconds before take-off and was absolutely furious when we asked her to please sit down so she didn't fall off the toilet and crack her head open. She rang her call light about a thousand times. She asked me for three hundred cups of water. She spent a good ten minutes berating me for the fact that my airline does not offer healthy snacks for her kids. She asked if I could change the movie, because her family has already seen Enchanted (So what? See it again. It's fucking magical.) When I got to her row with my beverage trolley, she smacked me in the leg, shoved a toy at me and pointed at her kid across the aisle. I could go on.
But about three quarters into this journey through hell in an airborne tube, she came back to the bathroom and overheard me waxing poetic over my sweet, angelic piece of heaven, David Archuletta. She stopped dead in her tracks, one hand on the lavatory door, poked her head into the galley and squealed "Omigod, I love David Archuletta!" And for the remaining hour of the flight, she was my new best friend. American Idol builds a bridge, people.
How many people wanna slap this girl? See? We're all connected!
So, airplane related Idol anecdote out of the way, I now bring you the results show! This is a big one, cause it determines the Top Ten who get to go on the Idol tour. Chills. Multiplying.
Our Idols stand behind Seacrest like a row of little musical soldiers. "We gave you the songs of the Beatles," Seacrest tells us. Please, don't remind me. "You voted. But did you do enough?" he asks accusingly, like it's our fault or something that Kristy Lee Cook is still - oh, wait it is our fault. My bad.
Seacrest looks like a very stylish undertaker tonight. Paula's looking extra loopy, bouncing around in her seat like crazy. She looks pretty though. New weave. Simon looks hot, as usual. He's covered up his chest a bit. I loved the open shirt look, but I'm glad not to have to look at the big blob of orangey red where the tanning bed hurt him. Oh, and Randy's there too.
And there's news! Seacrest tells us who some of this year's mentors are going to be. First up is country legend, Dolly Parton! Who doesn't love Dolly? Next is superstar, diva and Friend of Randy, Mariah Carey! Lots of people don't love MC, but I'm not one of them, lambs.
Also, we have Broadway phenomenon, Andrew Lloyd Weber. Eh. I love show tunes as much as the next gal, and gay guy, but not on American Idol, thank you very much. Finally, one of the most successful performers in the history of music, Neil Diamond! I think we saw him during Season One, didn't we? No matter. Hello, my friend, hello.
This reminds me of a debate I recently had over who the ideal Idol mentors would be. There's a lot of good options out there, but I personally would love to see Madonna (natch) or Duran Duran. What about you? I'm interested.
Just puttin it out there.
"They're all great songwriters," Seacrest informs us, "Are you?" This segues into the Big Announcement of this year's finale songwriting competition. You submit your song, and America votes. Apparently, this is how This Is My Now was chosen. Who the hell voted for that? Anyway, if your forte is sappy ballads, this is your big chance.
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Comments (17)
Sorry...but I am not a David Archuletta fan. The boy's faux humble act is wearing thin, and he seems destined to star in the next installment of High School Musical.
Plus, it was pointed out to me during the results show that The Fetus bears a striking resemblance to a chimpanzee...and it's unfortunate, but I have to agree.
1 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 21, 2008 1:10 PM
Great recap as usual, Chickbomb! I agree with your assessments of the remaining Idols except for Ramiele - she's good and I hope she does well. The Fetus is the cutest human being in the world and I can't see anyone taking the title from him!
2 of 17 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on March 21, 2008 1:35 PM
I'm not a fan of David Archuleta. And I'm especially not a fan of his creepy, controlling father, who was banned from the audience during David's "Star Search" days, and criticized him so much that he's supposedly the reason why David's performance was so horrible last week.
3 of 17 | Posted by alison8754 | Posted on March 21, 2008 2:12 PM
I had a problem with a dangerous stool once.
4 of 17 | Posted by BobCaygeon | Posted on March 21, 2008 6:12 PM
You are so freaking hilarious that I actually become giddy when I see there is a new installment.
5 of 17 | Posted by StuckInAStrangeDream | Posted on March 21, 2008 6:27 PM
I would love to see (hear) them sing Journey songs. It would be great to have Steve Perry as a mentor. Of course, they'd probably really screw it up.
6 of 17 | Posted by TVJunkie | Posted on March 21, 2008 9:56 PM
After years of watching AI, I've learned an important lesson on who I choose as my favorites. The question I have to always ask myself is "whose album would I buy?" You see, I looooooooooooved Clay Aiken. And I was a card-holding member of the "Soul Patrol". Fantasia could also do no wrong in my book. But whose albums did I buy of those three? ZERO. I have more Idol losers albums than winners. In fact, the only winner's album I have is Kelly Clarkson. I have bought Daughtry, Bucky Covington, Kat McPhee, Pickler, etc. So, I have learned that picking an idol is not about who performs the best on the show, it should be about whose album I would potentially buy after this is all said and done.
So, what does that mean for this season? Archuletta is adorable and has the voice of an angel... but the ballads he would put in an album would compare with sappy Clay Aiken. At this point in the competition, I am most likely to buy Brooke or Cook's albums. So they are my top two picks. Brooke may be too bleeding heart in personality but I like her voice and style. Cook reminds me of Daughtry and while I think there may be no more room for another Emo Alt Rocker in the industry, I think he could make some hits.
7 of 17 | Posted by Scarlet | Posted on March 22, 2008 5:59 AM
I cant believe you didnt mention how Seacrest cracked on Pickler about "growing in more ways than one" Then he paused for a minute so we could all get the joke. It was funny.
Scarlet, I agree totally with you about the whole who's cd would I buy thing. That's also how I decide who to vote for. This year I dont think anyone of these contestants would put out a good enough album for me to buy except maybe Castro. I like his voice. David Cook is just a little too reminiscent of Chris Daughtry and there can only be one Chris D.
8 of 17 | Posted by donnac923 | Posted on March 22, 2008 7:57 AM
I cant believe you didnt mention how Seacrest cracked on Pickler about "growing in more ways than one" Then he paused for a minute so we could all get the joke. It was funny.
Scarlet, I agree totally with you about the whole who's cd would I buy thing. That's also how I decide who to vote for. This year I dont think anyone of these contestants would put out a good enough album for me to buy except maybe Castro. I like his voice. David Cook is just a little too reminiscent of Chris Daughtry and there can only be one Chris D.
9 of 17 | Posted by donnac923 | Posted on March 22, 2008 8:02 AM
Has it been said that Fetus has a tongue issue when he sings, that he licks his lower lip quite often while singing? That little tongue darts out like a frog trying to nab a fly. Once you notice it, it is all you can focus on during his singing.
10 of 17 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on March 22, 2008 9:38 AM
As usual I loved the recap, but I have to disagree with you on the David Archeluta thing. He can sing and hold most of the notes, but he's only good at singing sappy ballads and trust me I don't want to hear that from him for the rest of the show. Someone with a little bit of edge and who's versatile needs to win this competition and David Archeluta is not the one.
I'm going to miss Amanda, she wasn't my type of singer, but she amde this competition interesting. Besides Carly, every other girl is boring as hell.
The only people who are actually interseting in the competition are David Cooke, Carly, and Chikezie, everyone else I'm really not feeling.
11 of 17 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on March 22, 2008 10:51 AM
Scarlet...Clay Aiken was not a winner on AI. He came in second to Reuben.
But Clay is the only Idol contestant whose album I bought and who I have paid to see in concert. (I love Daughtry, but his ticket prices were too high.)
12 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 22, 2008 11:15 AM
Boy, there's a lot to cover in this episode.
I'm not a Mariah hater, but what exactly is her mentoring advice going to be? 'You can't sing that note like I can, so go here instead.' 'No, you need to work it in a hip-hop style. And wear a slutty skirt when you're singing.' ugh!
Did you mention that one of the mentors is going to be Andrew Lloyd Webber. I sure hope it's for a wider Broadway week and not just his songs. Don't cry for me, Fairfax District of L.A.
A long-since-forgotten episode of one of those VH1 'rich people make us mad' shows told us that Simon Cowell's black t-shirts cost him, like, $800 each. They're custom made by some London design house. So take that, Cheryl from Wherever.
It bugs me that they are using "Celebrate Me Home." It's a Winnie the Pooh composition and is considered to be a Christmas song. This is the best that AI, those arbiters and final word on what is hot in pop music, can offer us?
Pickler and Kristy Lee both slap their microphones when they sing, and they're copying Carrie Underwood when they do it. Pickler's performance was embarrassing. Kristy Lee's too, but that's a given.
Agreement about Carly and Brooke and Chikeze and that a-hole Smug David Cook. I'm not a huge Archuleta fan, but it has more to do with his breathy delivery, his incessant lip licking (ARRGHGH!), and the reports that his father is a stage dad to end all stage dads. When does Dave turn 18?
Mentors. Let's see. Duran Duran is a good idea, actually. How about Lindsay Buckingham? or is he too heady. Oooh, I know. Garth Brooks. Dolly ought to do well. She's an old school crossover sensation, with a sunny personality. But she's successful so I bet she's tough when she needs to be. How about Joan Jett? She's made a really long career for herself, and still tours. The mentors never give touring/live performance advice.
Sorry so long. Thank you for the excellent recap!
13 of 17 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on March 22, 2008 5:37 PM
Hope the stage dad horror stories are not true!
I do like Kristy, but agree that she clearly should have gone home before Amanda - I think even Kristy felt that way. Amanda may sing every song the same, but she'd be a great part of the tour. Kristy will probably do okay there, though. She'll have more time to practice and be singing the same song over and over.
Seems to happen every season - hope Kristi either raises her game - or gets voted off - soon.
Mentors? How about our favorite former raspy voiced marine Drill instructer? "Now listen up, you maggots! Shut yer pie holes!" I think us musicallt challenged people could relate to that more than to whatever Neil Diamond will say.
Great recap. I FF'd most of the actual show, but don't think I missed anything. And besdies, reading your recap is a much better use of my time!
14 of 17 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 24, 2008 12:09 PM
DP Hooker: I noticed that, too, a couple of weeks ago, and I cannot stand to watch the Fetus because of it. Reminds me of Jabba the Hutt. : )
15 of 17 | Posted by marishka | Posted on March 24, 2008 3:28 PM
OMG your post had me dying at work; my office mate must think i'm nuts! I disagree with you fire@will, I think Kristy was like Yeah I'm in the top 10 peace out Mandy! She's the worst kind - sucks and doesn't know it.
16 of 17 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on March 25, 2008 2:23 PM
Did anyone else besides me notice during the Kellie Pickler montage that her boobs went from normal to GIANT but that, when she came out onstage in her red high heels, they were somewhere in between???
Oh, and Amanda Overmyer was WAY too cool for American Idol. I, for one, WOULD be one of the people who would say, "Hey, that chick looks pretty cool. Let's go see what she's all about!"
17 of 17 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on March 26, 2008 3:38 PM