The next question comes from Mary in Los Angeles, and it's a doozy. Ramiele, what was the last song you downloaded on your iPod? Who cares? I know we need filler, but I'd rather see another Ford commercial than listen to this drivel. But if anyone gives a crap, it was R. Kelly's I'm A Flirt. And a pedophile, but who's counting.

Finally, Linda from who knows where wants to know if Michael John's Idol experience has been everything he thought it would be? Gripping. Linda, have you considered a career in journalism? You really know how to ask the hard-hitting questions. And of course, yes, it's been everything he thought it would be and more. Especially more stressful, because, "Apparently, I peaked in Hollywood", he informs us dryly. Adorable and self-deprecating, could I love him more? Oh yeah, well I guess I could love him a little more if he could, you know, sing a little better.

Oops, out of time for calls. Bummer. But American Idol is very happy to welcome a contestant from Season Five who stole our hearts...it's The Pickler! Haven't seen her in a while, so I forgot the thing I most remember about her, and that's that this girl has the cutest ass I've ever seen on another girl. Even I want to grab it. So, she has an album out, she's gone to entertain the troops in Iraq, her life's the same, she just has a better job. I'm not really into the country music scene, but according to my friend Tripper who lives in Nashville, The Pickler's made a nice little career for herself. You can't help but like her, so I say good for her.

200803211244
Please welcome the Pickle and her new boobs. Work it, girls!

She sashays on stage to sing a song called Red High Heels. She's working Posh's bob haircut. It's cute. Her voice sounds a bit cartoonish. Did it always sound like that? All I can recall is the ass.

Now just cause I'm not big into country music doesn't mean I don't like it, but this song's nothing with nothing. The most entertaining part of The Pickler's performance is when she sings to Simon. He smiles politely, but the moment she moves away he arranges his face back to bored. Got to hold it for that extra second there, doll, sometimes the cameraman's a little slow.

And while we're on the topic of past Idols, it's time to check in with Fantasia and Elliot Yamin, who went on a mission to deliver mosquito nets to Africa. Yay for do-gooding, but this part's a bit dull. Until Elliot goes to a hospital and they name a baby after him. Oh, that is kind of sweet. Elliot is moved, and there's a lot of tears. I assume it's all to remind us about Idol Gives Back, but then Seacrest pops back in to tell us that the thing was sponsored by Exxon Mobil. So, actually, it was just another opportunity for corporate prostitution. Nice.

200803211245
He like your teeth, Elliot.

And now back to the results! There's still one Danger Stool open. Is it for Syesha? Despite her ugly white vest, no, it is not. So we're down to Amanda and Chikeze. I don't like these choices! They couldn't be more opposite, Smiley Chikeze and F-You Amanda, but I like both of 'em.

Chikeze looks panicked, and Amanda looks bored. So who's safe? It's Chikeze! His mama goes wild in the audience! Seacrest reminds us that everyone on the Safe Couch gets to go on tour, and Amanda heads over to the last Danger Stool.

We go to a break, and when we return Seacrest reminds us that bottom three are in agony. After an hour of this, they're not the only ones, babe. And after the nationwide vote, the first person who gets pardoned is poor, wounded birdlike Carly. All three girls hug, and she heads over to the Safe Couch to learn a little bit about (false?) humility from Archuletta and Brooke.

We're down to Kristy Lee and Amanda. Got to be Kristy Lee, right? Wrong. It's Amanda! NOOOOOOOOO!!! First of all, I liked Amanda. She wasn't our American Idol, but she was different and fun and she rocked. Second of all, I can not stand Kristy Lee Cook. Nothing personal, she seems like a nice girl and all, but she can't sing, she can't dress, and she's done a very bad thing in sacrificing her horse in order to make America suffer through her singing. It's just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

American Idol Results: Back to the Flat Bed Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5 

« Damaged! Your Hair is Damaged! | Main | Top Chef: Sideburns Enthusiasts Unite! »

Comments (17)

cattyfan:

Sorry...but I am not a David Archuletta fan. The boy's faux humble act is wearing thin, and he seems destined to star in the next installment of High School Musical.

Plus, it was pointed out to me during the results show that The Fetus bears a striking resemblance to a chimpanzee...and it's unfortunate, but I have to agree.

BRaps:

Great recap as usual, Chickbomb! I agree with your assessments of the remaining Idols except for Ramiele - she's good and I hope she does well. The Fetus is the cutest human being in the world and I can't see anyone taking the title from him!

alison8754:

I'm not a fan of David Archuleta. And I'm especially not a fan of his creepy, controlling father, who was banned from the audience during David's "Star Search" days, and criticized him so much that he's supposedly the reason why David's performance was so horrible last week.

BobCaygeon:

I had a problem with a dangerous stool once.

StuckInAStrangeDream:

You are so freaking hilarious that I actually become giddy when I see there is a new installment.

TVJunkie:

I would love to see (hear) them sing Journey songs. It would be great to have Steve Perry as a mentor. Of course, they'd probably really screw it up.

Scarlet:

After years of watching AI, I've learned an important lesson on who I choose as my favorites. The question I have to always ask myself is "whose album would I buy?" You see, I looooooooooooved Clay Aiken. And I was a card-holding member of the "Soul Patrol". Fantasia could also do no wrong in my book. But whose albums did I buy of those three? ZERO. I have more Idol losers albums than winners. In fact, the only winner's album I have is Kelly Clarkson. I have bought Daughtry, Bucky Covington, Kat McPhee, Pickler, etc. So, I have learned that picking an idol is not about who performs the best on the show, it should be about whose album I would potentially buy after this is all said and done.

So, what does that mean for this season? Archuletta is adorable and has the voice of an angel... but the ballads he would put in an album would compare with sappy Clay Aiken. At this point in the competition, I am most likely to buy Brooke or Cook's albums. So they are my top two picks. Brooke may be too bleeding heart in personality but I like her voice and style. Cook reminds me of Daughtry and while I think there may be no more room for another Emo Alt Rocker in the industry, I think he could make some hits.

donnac923:

I cant believe you didnt mention how Seacrest cracked on Pickler about "growing in more ways than one" Then he paused for a minute so we could all get the joke. It was funny.

Scarlet, I agree totally with you about the whole who's cd would I buy thing. That's also how I decide who to vote for. This year I dont think anyone of these contestants would put out a good enough album for me to buy except maybe Castro. I like his voice. David Cook is just a little too reminiscent of Chris Daughtry and there can only be one Chris D.

donnac923:

I cant believe you didnt mention how Seacrest cracked on Pickler about "growing in more ways than one" Then he paused for a minute so we could all get the joke. It was funny.

Scarlet, I agree totally with you about the whole who's cd would I buy thing. That's also how I decide who to vote for. This year I dont think anyone of these contestants would put out a good enough album for me to buy except maybe Castro. I like his voice. David Cook is just a little too reminiscent of Chris Daughtry and there can only be one Chris D.

DP Hooker:

Has it been said that Fetus has a tongue issue when he sings, that he licks his lower lip quite often while singing? That little tongue darts out like a frog trying to nab a fly. Once you notice it, it is all you can focus on during his singing.

bigjr6633:

As usual I loved the recap, but I have to disagree with you on the David Archeluta thing. He can sing and hold most of the notes, but he's only good at singing sappy ballads and trust me I don't want to hear that from him for the rest of the show. Someone with a little bit of edge and who's versatile needs to win this competition and David Archeluta is not the one.

I'm going to miss Amanda, she wasn't my type of singer, but she amde this competition interesting. Besides Carly, every other girl is boring as hell.

The only people who are actually interseting in the competition are David Cooke, Carly, and Chikezie, everyone else I'm really not feeling.

cattyfan:

Scarlet...Clay Aiken was not a winner on AI. He came in second to Reuben.

But Clay is the only Idol contestant whose album I bought and who I have paid to see in concert. (I love Daughtry, but his ticket prices were too high.)

Memememe:

Boy, there's a lot to cover in this episode.

I'm not a Mariah hater, but what exactly is her mentoring advice going to be? 'You can't sing that note like I can, so go here instead.' 'No, you need to work it in a hip-hop style. And wear a slutty skirt when you're singing.' ugh!

Did you mention that one of the mentors is going to be Andrew Lloyd Webber. I sure hope it's for a wider Broadway week and not just his songs. Don't cry for me, Fairfax District of L.A.

A long-since-forgotten episode of one of those VH1 'rich people make us mad' shows told us that Simon Cowell's black t-shirts cost him, like, $800 each. They're custom made by some London design house. So take that, Cheryl from Wherever.

It bugs me that they are using "Celebrate Me Home." It's a Winnie the Pooh composition and is considered to be a Christmas song. This is the best that AI, those arbiters and final word on what is hot in pop music, can offer us?

Pickler and Kristy Lee both slap their microphones when they sing, and they're copying Carrie Underwood when they do it. Pickler's performance was embarrassing. Kristy Lee's too, but that's a given.

Agreement about Carly and Brooke and Chikeze and that a-hole Smug David Cook. I'm not a huge Archuleta fan, but it has more to do with his breathy delivery, his incessant lip licking (ARRGHGH!), and the reports that his father is a stage dad to end all stage dads. When does Dave turn 18?

Mentors. Let's see. Duran Duran is a good idea, actually. How about Lindsay Buckingham? or is he too heady. Oooh, I know. Garth Brooks. Dolly ought to do well. She's an old school crossover sensation, with a sunny personality. But she's successful so I bet she's tough when she needs to be. How about Joan Jett? She's made a really long career for herself, and still tours. The mentors never give touring/live performance advice.

Sorry so long. Thank you for the excellent recap!

fire@will:

Hope the stage dad horror stories are not true!

I do like Kristy, but agree that she clearly should have gone home before Amanda - I think even Kristy felt that way. Amanda may sing every song the same, but she'd be a great part of the tour. Kristy will probably do okay there, though. She'll have more time to practice and be singing the same song over and over.

Seems to happen every season - hope Kristi either raises her game - or gets voted off - soon.

Mentors? How about our favorite former raspy voiced marine Drill instructer? "Now listen up, you maggots! Shut yer pie holes!" I think us musicallt challenged people could relate to that more than to whatever Neil Diamond will say.

Great recap. I FF'd most of the actual show, but don't think I missed anything. And besdies, reading your recap is a much better use of my time!

marishka:

DP Hooker: I noticed that, too, a couple of weeks ago, and I cannot stand to watch the Fetus because of it. Reminds me of Jabba the Hutt. : )

couchpotato:

OMG your post had me dying at work; my office mate must think i'm nuts! I disagree with you fire@will, I think Kristy was like Yeah I'm in the top 10 peace out Mandy! She's the worst kind - sucks and doesn't know it.

TheVoiceOfReason:

Did anyone else besides me notice during the Kellie Pickler montage that her boobs went from normal to GIANT but that, when she came out onstage in her red high heels, they were somewhere in between???

Oh, and Amanda Overmyer was WAY too cool for American Idol. I, for one, WOULD be one of the people who would say, "Hey, that chick looks pretty cool. Let's go see what she's all about!"

Post a comment

Post a comment

60