Man, I love Dolly Parton. I've seen all her movies, some over and over again. To this day, I both blame and thank 9 to 5 and Steel Magnolias for making me a homo. She's always sweet and hilarious when she's on talk shows, and every time I see her I smile.

Color me surprised, then, when I turned on American Idol on Tuesday night and realized this bitch was a singer/songwriter. I thought the contestants were going to treat us to scene work from old Dolly movies. I had hoped that Carly would do that scene where Dolly told off her boss for treating her like a floozy in 9 to 5. Unfortunately, I was very, very wrong.

"If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine, and I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot! And don't think I can't do it. "

The contestants start out by coming out and doing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version of 9 to 5, and wow. It really makes me appreciate the singer Dolly Parton, who is the only person alive that can make her music palatable (besides Whitney, but come on people, it's Whitney). Actually, it makes me appreciate people with rhythm, too. This bunch looks like they're doing one giant Elaine Benis impression.

Long story short, it blows. Usually I recap shows as I watch them so that I can't ruin any surprises or come up with some fake ass opinions that make me sound like a better person later on. I am doing the same thing tonight, but a friend of mine (cough ChickBomb cough) sent me a text last night talking about who was sent home. Thanks a lot, a hole! That info has really changed the way I see the show tonight. I mean come on, Ramiele. A baggy ass shapeless tshirt and a skinny vest? You're begging to go!!

Noriega is going to slap you for this outfit.

Now the contestants are around the Judges table acting all cutsie and stuff. Randy is wearing a shirt with a huge glittery word. ROCK. On country night. LOL, Randy. He's really turned into a bitch this season and I love it. Hey wait, is that Marlo Thomas in the audience? Plastic surgery is running so rampant lately that I can't tell who the hell anyone is anymore.

She had more wrinkles in That Girl. In 1966.

We get a clip montage of the show last night, and right on cue, the doorbell rings. I let the pizza guy in. It's a new place! No Little Caesars or Domino's for me! Tonight is a new frontier. A place called Crispy Crust. I open the box and omg they baked the basil right onto the cheese. Who does that? I ask the delivery guy who he's rooting for on American Idol and he tells me that he doesn't have time to watch TV because he's always working. Then I roll my eyes and ask him why he doesn't use his TiVo and he goes "huh?" and then I was like "get the f out of my house you loser. No tip!" Kidding. I gave him a tip. I told him to order a DVR. They're cheaper. Now OUT! Door slam.

Back to the show. Brooke is sucking ass at Jolene and then arguing with Simon. Brooke, shut your face and stop arguing with Simon, for godsake. I'm over it. My favorite part was when he told Carly to get a better dresser. THANK YOU. Sorry you guys. My mind is all over the place tonight. This pizza is gross. Cooked basil looks like boogars.

Tink calls contestants out to tell them they're safe, and the Fetus approaches him wheezing like he just ran up a flight of stares. Tink asks him if he had an emotional connection to the song he sang and he takes a huge gasp from the oxygen tank he has with him and then answers in that generic smiley tell you whatever you want to hear kind of a way. He's so cute, and so little, and so talented, and so brainwashed. He's like a little Pod Fetus.

And PS, practice your scales or I'll beat you senseless - Dad.

Carly comes out and Tink reminds her that she's no stranger to the bottom three. That was rude and uncalled for, Tink. I would rather Simon remind her that she needs a new stylist, because she looks like a pillow sham from the set of Three's Company.

Told ya.

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Posted in American Idol by Flipit at 5:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: bBitz on Apr 10, 2008 10:14 AM.