They've said goodbye to their families, they've put their jobs on hold, and they've abandoned their every day lives. What selflessness! Who will be the next Jesus? No one knows. In the meantime, THIS. Is American Idol!
You were really relevant tonight, dawg.
Tink introduces the six contestants who have been moved onto the next round, and the only one who isn't smiling is the twink, who must have had a rough first week as Oil Rig Bear's bottom bunkmate.
Get this poor kid an ice pack.
Hello judges! Tink asks Simon why, if he's so against the shit song choices, he doesn't just choose the songs himself. Simon says that if everyone could sing "Hello My Name is Simon, and I Like to Make Drawrings" every week he would make them, but Coca Cola expects a little more diversity. Damn you, Coca Cola!
The contestants run into the waiting stage making wacky faces and I hardly remember any of them. Except of course the kid with the headbands and lip piercings that looks like one of those creepy reborn dolls.

Von Smith is first, and I don't recognize him until he sings and makes a ridiculous huge mouthed face. He's the one who told the judges that he's trying to not be what his parents are trying to make him be. His rebellion includes a knit cap and a vow to never shout/sing at the judges again. Darn. It was fun the first time.
He's singing "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye. They just ripped Kai the Lie for doing something so old school, but they might be kinder to someone who wasn't born the actual year the song was written. The stylists have given him a fauxhawk. ARGH. Come on already with the fauxhawk! The stylists need to be sent home this week. Von still has his giant mouthed faces to lean back on, but he's as quiet as possible to start so Simon won't throw anything at him, and it's awkward. He seems pretty comfortable on stage for the most part, and even though he misses some of his belt notes, he hits the fals ones. The best parts are when he has to hit high notes, cuz he pops his head to the sky like a jack in the box. It's like Mariah hands, but with his head.
Biggest pic ever? Sorry bout that.
Overall he does a pretty good job with a semi-crap song. Randy says he did a great job and was way better than he was in Hollywood. Skara says he's more comfortable and she approves of him taking Simon's advice to not shout the whole thing. Von's sister is so happy with this critique that her front teeth almost pop out of her mouth.
Dadooooing!
Paula sounds like she's about to cry, but it might be the fifty pounds of tinfoil she has around her neck. Seriously no one push her in a pool cuz her ass will drown.
Can't. Breathe.
She loved it, and Simon says that Von reminds him of Gayken with his similar "appalling" dress sense and pasty unabashed future gayness.
When the man's right, he's right.
Von is ecstatic to be given positive notes, but he isn't sure how to take the Gayken thing so he decides that "he's successful" so he should take it as a compliment. He doesn't say "talented" or "amazing", but Clay can take care of his ass when he comes to visit later in the season looking, I presume, more like Shirley McClaine than ever.
Next up is Taylor from Hurricane, Utah. I don't remember seeing this girl at all so she must be boring. She says that she forgot her words in Hollywood but just kept singing her harmonies and redeemed herself. I think her hotness redeemed her, or it might have been her friend Wynona Judd, who was fresh off the set of her new Alli commercials.
I need a paper towel. I'm leaking all over the damn place.
She's singing "If I Eein't Got You" by Alicia Keys, and she's dressed as sexy as Utah would allow.
OMG elbows! SLUT!
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Comments (28)
Ugh, I'm completely with you on Scott sucking. I know I sound heartless but he really wasn't great. I also hate the fact that the judges said they didn't care about his lackluster vocals because they could see his soul. When any of the other non-blind people have bad voices, they just get the old heeve-ho.
I think the top 3 should be Felicia, Jorge, and Lil...but you know that won't happen.
1 of 28 | Posted by leslie_pcc | Posted on March 4, 2009 7:41 AM
Okay, all that stuff you wrote about Nathanial was WAY funny, man. It's really hard for me to make fun of Nathanial, though, because he seems like a big gay goofball to me. As I've said before I see him as BIGFOOT's gay son. [BIGFOOT, if you're reading this I apologize for dragging you into it. I know how much you value your privacy.]
When I watch him, Nathanial comes off like a 10 year old kid. I want to make fun of the dramatic, drag queen, dance movements that he made while he was singing -- but I can't. I want to make a comment about his unfortunate body shape and how black didn't make his hips any thinner but I can't. I want to make a comment about his DESPERATE yearning for approval but I can't. I'll just leave it up to you. I won't object. Please proceed without caution.
Uh, and regarding that blind guy...
My brother is blind, in one eye, and my brother seems more blind than the American Idol blind guy. What I'm saying is; I'm not buying that this guy is blind.
P.S. I want Jorge to move on because I have to support "my people."
2 of 28 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on March 4, 2009 8:26 AM
I'm with you on Skara's black talk. We white people die a little inside everytime someone makes a lame-ass attempt to sound like a sista. Especially the ones who must have grown up in the whitest of circumstances.
I'm not into Lil's style of music, but I loved her. She OWNED that stage. The thing about her is that she acts like she's already made it when she's on stage, the same kind of vibe I got out of (like him or hate him) David Cook.
3 of 28 | Posted by timberwolf | Posted on March 4, 2009 8:33 AM
Ok, does this happen every episode and/or every season, and I'm just too spastic to have noticed?.....
When they re-played the performances at the end w/the #s, I was paying attention because that's when I can tell who was actually better than whom. So last night, I realized that in the play back, Nathanial had his nose ring, but he did not on the live show. So I looked at all of them, and there were 2 more.....the play back of Lil was of her singing the actual lyrics, not the ridiculously cheesy "call this show", blah blah. And that scrawny kid who accidentally knocked over the mic stand, that was precisely the clip they showed on the play back, but the stand never wobbled.
Is this normal, or are they doing that on purpose since that's the last clip we see of them before the voting lines open?? I smell manipulation....
4 of 28 | Posted by qupert | Posted on March 4, 2009 9:23 AM
Lil, of course. And the Peurto Rican guy, probably.
On merit, the third spot should go to the girl who sang first.
I wonder if they'll call the 2nd chance show "The Best of the Worst"?
Great recap. (Thanks for being so quick, too!)
5 of 28 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 4, 2009 9:34 AM
AAAAAAUGH! They all SUCK MUD!!!! Welcome to Season 8, thanks for taking this bullet of a show so deep in the ass Flipit, I'ma send you a box of maxi-pads to staunch the bleeding cuz they're insulting musicians (and people who enjoy music) everywhere.
For real, BRUCE FUCKIN' HORNSBY??!?!? I was shrieking at the TV "Could he have picked any more boring of an artist?" and then I answered my own question when Scott opened his mouth (because the more boring artist was him). I bet you the only reason Scott didn't sing any Billy Joel is because that's "hard rock" and therefore too extreme for him. Also, I hate to say this, but I'm not so impressed by blind people who can sing (there are plenty who have done it better) because honestly, how much of a risk is that? Now, come out and be a blind, dancing, fire-breathing, knife-and-chainsaw-juggler while you sing, and I will be totally impressed!
Honestly, I just couldn't get interested in the show last night because there was no Oil Rig Bear or Welder Bear or any other random cute fat guys for me to envision playing cuddly-snuggles with. Great recap Flipit, you filled me in on all the exciting stuff I missed when I nodded off! Awesome job!
love, J-Mo :)
6 of 28 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on March 4, 2009 9:39 AM
qupert (#4), this question has come up before in past seasons. They sometimes will take a clip from dress rehearsal for the final montage if they're pressed for time or for other technical reasons, I recall was the answer.
Flip, great recap of a very meh group. I agree blind guy is getting a free pass to the top 12 because he's a feel-good story, and if anyone else had given that performance they would have gotten the usual criticisms of "old fashioned", "irrelevant", "boring", etc.
The only standout from this group who I can see getting anywhere near the top five is Lil, although I have to say, Jorge impressed me, and that was brilliant when he made Paula and Kara cry when he welled up. I bet he gets laid like noones' business.
7 of 28 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on March 4, 2009 9:59 AM
quepert, to answer your question the replay they do of everyone's performances at the end of the show is from the rehearsals. It would take too much time for them if they tried to do a replay of everyone live so after every show the replay u see at the end is all from rehearsals.
Well Lil is obviously going through but am I the only that noticed there's nothing actually little on Lil's body, the girl is stacked that's all I am saying. Scott will get the 2nd spot I mean come on ppl the judges do not have the heart to tear down a partially blind person.
The 3rd spot will either go to Junot, Jorge or Felicia!!!
8 of 28 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on March 4, 2009 10:04 AM
I haven't read the recap yet, but can I just point out:
It is no coincidence that Danny, Adam and Lil were in separate groups, nor was it coincidence that all three landed the coveted pimp spot. Ridiculous.
And I thought Lil was extremely overpraised. Her rendition was mediocre at best, I can't even remember it really. My favorites of the night were Ju'not (or however it is spelled), Jorge, Alex the nerd, Scott and Kristen.
9 of 28 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on March 4, 2009 10:11 AM
So after reading the recap, I agree for the most part. Except for Lil. I thought she was decidedly blah. Probably it's mostly because she's a producer fave, which I despise and also because she screamed her way through Hollywood Week and it bothered me.
Scott was mediocre, but I love his tone. And he just seems so sweet. I've given up voting for people with good voices, pretty much, because it's extremely clear to me how hard the producers push for certain outcomes and Simon's blatant comment how he would rather have the pretty girl/bad singer than the "ugly" girl, who is a great singer, was just gross.
I hope that Jorge gets in. I really loved him and he really can sing.
10 of 28 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on March 4, 2009 10:50 AM
I didn't think you could make this weeks any funnier then last weeks' but you did! Thank you for the hilarious recap.
ITA about Scott. Sweet guy, mediocre singer at best.
I did kind of like poor Kristen. I think her voice is really good, but that arrangment and the band were NOT doing her any favors, it was horrible!
My favorite was Jorge, I hadn't really payed any attention to him before now but he impressed me by actually taking the judges advice and working so hard because usually these kids already think they're all that already and don't ever listen.
11 of 28 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on March 4, 2009 11:13 AM
Flip-It's the KING! I owe you a McNugget 12 pack for the laughs. Spotty is only partially blind. He has no peripheral vision, only a small tunnel, kind of like when you drink tequila and do acid (I wonder what he would sound like on that combo?). He started the show's competition with black sunglasses, white cane, and a man servant leading him to the stage. He already seems to be cured of half of that. Tink needs to grow out his hair Binny Hinn comb-over style and they could incorporate spiritual healings along with the singing competition. He could smack'em on the head, say halallejuah, give 'em a shot of cortisone/coke in the arse and send them out to sing a Mariah Carey/Alicia Keys/Celine Dion montage. Wow this show sucks.
12 of 28 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on March 4, 2009 12:17 PM
On a creepy sidenote: that picture of Jesus at the top is the exact same picture my parents have in their room.
13 of 28 | Posted by heygirl | Posted on March 4, 2009 12:27 PM
Bless you flip it for your speedy fingers on your hand you like better . . . heee!
I got to watch with some peeps who don't usually see it, so that made it more fun for me. I have never laughed harder at this show than when reborn added "but I wont do that" I had forgotten the song went there, and I could think of nothing other than the obvious, and I just busted out till I cried, I couldn't really take it all in I was laughing so hard . . . . much more so than Tati and Norman all rolled into one, so I am thankful for that. When Simon said, "Actually Nathaniel, I think you would" I busted out all over again. Rudest statement ever, but Gold!!!!
I'm sorry You Ugly chose that song . . . did you know she was on Nashville Star? Seems all that time and try outs and TV broadcasts have not helped her to dress or pick songs . . . but it's a shame, coz she's got pipes, and I liked her more after explaining she has no taste--me neither, Babe, but just fake it for now, K?
Have we all seen Adam's "gay" pictures all over the web--I do appreciate how increasingly gay the show is getting, I also think most people watching don't care, but will they vote, or backlash . . . Guess since he's pimp spot #2, they at least think he'll stick around.
On Scott, yep, boring song, but I found the vocals better than Hollywood week, overall. I wish he would shut his eyes more, I find it really awkward that he's staring so blankly, and I know he can't see--cruel, awful, the gates of hell are opening again for me, but I don't think it's too much to ask for a little break. It does seem they are coaching him a bit, and I'll say no more. Not sure it was enough to get through, and will they give him and others a chance to play instruments on WC--it's in two days, so what will they even sing, or have time to prepare.
I don't like that the judges are picking the wild cards, contestants and winners, but I know we're gonna see at least one of the cute blondes, Kendall or Tat girl, not sure if Tati will make it after all.
I liked Delilah, but he's kind of snore--how did I miss the shot stuff--weird--I liked Lil, but she can mug a little less, girl is fierce and needs no mugging. I"m glad everyone liked Jorge--me too, but I wish he'd done something more upbeat. My friends were convinced he's packing, and I guess that made them like him more--hopefully he will make it through.
Sorry for this . . . going on . . . "spank" on myself, but the WC--Will it be GBJF, or Dueling Piano, or Ricky who can sing, or tonights Jorge or Scott, coz it's gonna only be one boy, if that . . . kind of seems a shame, but this is AI . . .
Thanks again Flip, and are we going to do a pool here . . . after the wild card, when they announce the top 10 would be our chance to pick the order from week one to winner (a tall order, but so fun, right, anyone!? . . .
14 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 4, 2009 12:33 PM
WELL I'M AN IDIOT. Thanks for the clarification. You think after 73 seasons I would've picked up on that!
BTW, when I first looked at the mug shot, I thought that chick's name was Mcnugget Tantrum. Seriously.
:D
15 of 28 | Posted by qupert | Posted on March 4, 2009 12:56 PM
Wooops, I mean top 12, and also, what about Anoop!?
16 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 4, 2009 1:01 PM
I HATE Lil Rounds. Well.. I don't actually hate HER... I hate that they're pimping her so damn much.
I'm just so sick of the powersinging divas b/c they ALL sound exactly the same. Boring and forgettable.
Plus, she's not even that good of a power singer. I'm just so sick of this show being so obvious in who they're pimping.
17 of 28 | Posted by shollia | Posted on March 4, 2009 1:02 PM
shollia = 100% correct
18 of 28 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on March 4, 2009 1:46 PM
My first ever comment...
I LOVED Ju'Not's version of Hey There Delilah. It was silky smooth and turned me into a fan of the song.
Also, disagree with Shollia. I can easily tell apart many of the "power singing divas" that have been on American Idol. Jennifer Hudson does not sound like Fantasia, who does not sound like Mandisa, who does not sound like Lil Rounds.
I also enjoy Jorge.
19 of 28 | Posted by NatPatBen | Posted on March 4, 2009 2:34 PM
Wow, I can't believe it, I really thought they couldn't have gathered a worse bunch of singers than last week, but they did.
What the hell is with all these 16-year-old girls on this show? Other than auditioning for the Disney Channel, I don't see the relevance. Maybe after they've been fucked by a couple dozen people. Maybe.
I'm really hoping Reborn gets through--this trainwreck needs a tranny. He reminds of that sleazy mohawk guy from Big Brother. And you just know that Reborn's got a few gay porn vids in his closet too. Can't wait until they're made public.
20 of 28 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 4, 2009 3:37 PM
uh, Itchy, have you been drinking? I love you, baby, but that last comment was kind of weird.
P.S. I don't wanna see any gay porn that Nathanial's been in. I cannot believe there is anyone -- in the world -- so desperate for money that they would have sex with Nathanial.
Especially, on film!
21 of 28 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on March 4, 2009 4:27 PM
This recap was exactly what I needed after the shit day I had. THANK YOU, Flipit, for being the amazing, hilarious, irreverent, RELEVENT recapper that you are!
The best part of last night's show was Blind Guy's HOT HOT brother. I can't wait until things return to normal next week, and I get to stare lovingly at KRIS and have dirty dirty fantasies about him....
22 of 28 | Posted by slumrville | Posted on March 4, 2009 4:54 PM
Of the three performance shows there have been so far, this was the only one that I got to watch. Sadly, I wasn't too impressed...Actually, I haven't really been impressed with anyone yet this season. As for who I think SHOULD go through, my picks are Lil Rounds, Scott and Junot. We'll see what happens though. :-)
23 of 28 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on March 4, 2009 6:32 PM
So, um...remember when recording artists like the guys from Metallica got all pissy cuz of Napster?
vis a vis Tracy Chapman:
Don't you think this is SO much worse?
24 of 28 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on March 4, 2009 9:09 PM
Actually, no, I've stopped drinking during the week. Maybe that's my problem. No more happy wine glow...
Anyway, my comments are usually kind of weird. So why stop now?
But what I think is really weird are these 16 year olds who come on singing songs that were written by/for far more experienced women. If you see what I mean.
It makes me really uncomfortable watching children perform pelvic thrusts in front of millions of people.
And Reborn really does remind me of the homeless mohawk Big Brother guy.
25 of 28 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 5, 2009 12:11 AM
The only way I would have been impressed with Scott's vocals is if he were deaf, not blind. Just because you're blind and play the piano doesn't mean you're Stevie Wonder.
ANOOP DAWG FTW!
26 of 28 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on March 5, 2009 6:40 AM
I LOVED this recap! I was reading it at work and could NOT contain my laughter! I tried being discreet so as not to disturb the office, but I just couldn't help it! I had tears in my eyes!! And I loved the reference to the Simon song!! "Everything I draw comes trueeeee!" Ha!
27 of 28 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on March 5, 2009 11:26 AM
Ohhhh. Now, your comment makes much more sense. Thank you, itchy.
28 of 28 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on March 5, 2009 1:01 PM