Thursday night's AI results show was an extraordinary episode. Also, John McCain wins the presidential election, Paul Giamatti is the world's sexiest man, and the devil needs a sweater. Let's see how FOX wrings results out this week -- Which 4 dorks will go home!?!?! Oh, and why the @#%* is Archuleta crying!!?!?!?!
A portrait in child labor exploits.
Ryan Douchefest opens AI in front of the 19 wonderfully talented kids (and Michael Johns) on an ominously dark stage, spewing some dramatic crap out of his attention-whore mouth about the competition being "fierce", the eliminations being "inevitable", and the drama being "real".
"...as real as my contrived masculinity. Manwich, brah?"
EDITORIAL NOTE:
AI results should be shown between programs, like the lottery. Just sayin'.Those opening title sequences have GOT to go. It's like I'm watching fucking Tron or something.
Panel introductions are always fun, because, like awards shows, we get to see what people of prominence are wearing. Randy Jackson is no stranger to looking like a friggin' tool, but his shirt in this tale is an abomination to reasons the sewing machine were invented.
I wasn't feelin' the shirt, dawg; Dawg, your shirt is pitchy, dawg.
That looks like the book cover I got at Staples for my sociology book.
Paula is looking really hot as of late. That's me being ttly srs.
HugoStop wants to be your cold-hearted snake.
As expected, Simon looks like that guy at a funeral who can't afford a suit.
Douchefest kills more time by asking Randy why AI takes on themes for each episode. Randy, speaking on behalf of the panel, thinks that songwriting of yesteryear was way better and creates a challenge, standard and benchmark for today's singers.
But in Jackson vernacular, it came out, like, "Dawg, songs were, like, and I think I can speak for everyone here, but like the songs were better dawg. Dawg dawg dawg."
There has yet to be a 1910s themed episode. Scott Joplin, anyone?
The conversation cannot be saved by even the chattiest of chatsters like Douchefest, so he brings up a weird demeanor trait Simon's adopted as of late.
The Nanu-nanu.
For whatever reason, Simon's picked up this habit of using his thumb as a resting spot without explanation, but I think he wants it to be the new chin-on-palm.
Here's another shot:
Le Deux on ze Nanu Nanu
Randy even interjected, in what might be the pinnacle in his comic potential.
LOL, DAWG!!!!
Simon busts an "OH SNAP, HE DIDN'T JUST SAY DAT!!!" moment when he tells Douchefest that his half-moose is a code, which he'd explain, except that he can't accompany it without "another gesture I'd much rather show you."
THAT MEANS HIS MIDDLE FINGER. SIMON COWELL, EVERYONE.
Douchefest rebuts:
It's a shame nothing rhymes with "radar."
It really is.
Oh gawd, it's HAPPY FANTASTIC SUPER GROUP SONG TIME. I don't know what the song is, but it really doesn't matter because everyone knows that 20 people singing in unison sounds like post-puberty Kidz Bop. Michael Johns is the first to sing in his trite excuse for a voice.
Because I'm telepathic (and a genius), I could actually read some of the minds of the contestants midsong. I know, I'm awesome.
"Every musician in the world hates me. Also, my 'brows are lookin' BANGIN' tonight. Oh shit, I forgot to renew my AARP subscription."
David Cook:
"A TUXEDO SHIRT! Oh man, wait'll America gets a load of this original doohickey! Where did I leave my child?"
Cutiepatootie:
"I WILL DOMINATE THE WORLD WITH MY FAUX HUMILITY! CULT OF PERSONALITY! CULT OF PERSONALITY! CULT OF PERSONALITY!!!!!!!!!!"
iCarly:
"God, I look like a reject from 'The L Word.' "
Alexandrea Lushington:
"I SANG CHICAGO LAST NIGHT?! CHICAGO!?!!!?!?!"
Amanda Over-does-it:
"Stripes were a bad idea."
Chikezie-my-nizzie:
Syesha:
"My farts can sing better than this competition."
Kady Malloy:
"I'm a self-absorbed hack."
This medley from hell seems like it's never going to end. SAT Prep time, folks.
Randy's Shirt : fashion :: AI group medley's : music
Moving on --
That McDonalds commercial with the little breakdancing at the table, to much of his family's dismay, is freakin' awesome. High five, cool kid!
Oh man, PART ONE OF FOUR OF THE RESULTS!
And like sand through the hour glass...
Douchefest tells Chikezie-my-nizzie to sit down. Whew!
Then Douchefest tells Castro there's bad news.
Jar Jar Binks, everyone.
...BECAUSE HE'S GONNA HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SEACREST'S BULLSHIT FOR ANOTHER WEEK!!! SAFE!
Two left, Jason and Noriega, like Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton in a game of Battleship.
Serenity never.
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Comments (11)
Like the old saying goes,
Short but Sweet.
Great recap, HugoStop
1 of 11 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on March 4, 2008 6:26 AM
Dawg,
Recap was awesome.
It wasn't even pitchy at all. I want to hear more from you!
2 of 11 | Posted by MargotTenenbaum | Posted on March 4, 2008 6:58 AM
Totally in the pocket, HugoStop. That's a million percent yes for me.
3 of 11 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on March 4, 2008 7:49 AM
Ah, if only elimination night were as mercifully brief as your recap! Thank Buddha for DVR. I had to suppress much laughter over the JarJar Binks comment...spot on, darling!! Oh just one thing: That last screen cap of the idol's 'thoughts', that was actually Alaina, not Kady...I know, I get those cute blonde clones mixed up too :)
4 of 11 | Posted by AssBurger | Posted on March 4, 2008 7:52 AM
Ok, my fellow Gasmii who are far more observant than myself:
When Robbie and his Bret Michaels Collection weave got the axe, the camera panned to who I assume was his girlfriend standing on the balcony....
Was that Jessi (Baby Oil) from So You Think You Can Dance?!
5 of 11 | Posted by jennm926 | Posted on March 4, 2008 9:04 AM
if I was to compare this recap to something, it would be like vacationing on a cruise ship, and going to the lounge where someone's singing and it ends up being Mariah, or Celine, or Mary J, or someone really cool like Chrissy Hynde!
I like when you read peoples secret thoughts without letting anyone know what you think, bwa-ha-ha!!!
6 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 4, 2008 10:39 AM
This was an ANGRY, HURTFULL, and DISRESPECTUL recap.
I loved it!
7 of 11 | Posted by neillfilm | Posted on March 4, 2008 11:43 AM
jennm926,
I think that was Jessi. How do these Fox people find each other?
8 of 11 | Posted by wickedk8 | Posted on March 4, 2008 12:18 PM
Fine recap - funny and the perfect length for a results show. (TG4 DVR + FF.)
9 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 5, 2008 11:17 AM
Dude-I mean dawg-you frickin' rock! This is the best recap EVER!
10 of 11 | Posted by matches450 | Posted on March 12, 2008 7:55 PM
dude carly's HOT!!!!
11 of 11 | Posted by kbomb7 | Posted on March 30, 2008 2:27 PM