"Dance Little Sister" is the song, and Church tells the radio host that he's not sure how he feels about it. I know how I feel! YAAAYYYYYY! Paula gives us a memorized yet stuttered out spiel about the history of Terence Trent while Simon nods sarcastically. She leaves out the part where Terence changed his name to Sananda Maitreya after he had a dream to "free himself from the oppressive nature of the record business." OK fruit loop, how'd that work out for ya? Hopefully Sananda will take Church Lady to whatever mountaintop he's camping on to remove him from the oppressive nature of my TV.
The first lyrics are "Hey you! Give up that ghost that's haunting you now!" Damn, Paula! Insensitive much? Was there not a song called "I'm Hotter Than Your Dead Wife Anyway, So Here's the Gate Code to My Rented McMansion"? He starts in full shoutgrowl, and it's already painful. Thankfully, he also starts with one of his pee dances, which I have come to look forward to.
Please give me a hall pass. PLEASE.
His energy is desperate and frenetic and it's making me nervous. The whole audience seems the same way. At one point it looks like everyone's stampeding the door and knocking into camera men. What is with the camera men getting knocked over on this show? Camera men, stay out of the mosh pit. Fug is contagious.
Randy's brother is the sax player. You can tell not because he's black, but because of his vest.
That family needs a shopping trip.
SaxJackson plays and Church Lady scats along with him. LOL. I have to admire Church's desire to bring scatting back to the forefront of popular music, but he's gonna need to learn how to do it first. Listen to some Sarah Vaughn or something. He just goes "ooh ooh doo doooo!" a lot and makes wiggy wiggy record scratching gestures with his hands. What. A. Douche.
He goes into full on hunchbacked off rhythm knock kneed dance mode, and seriously this needs to stop. White people everywhere are bowing their heads in shame. Eventually it does stop, but by then I'm curled up in the fetal position crying for my mama. Both of his chins seem to be very pleased with his performance. Well wasn't that
SPEEEEEEECIAL?!?!
We get a shot of Church's family and friends and they're like HUH?
WTF was that??
Randy says it was dope, Skara thinks his dancing was too gyrate-y and she won't remember the performance tomorrow. Paula argues that he did great at the dancing, and he did it without hot young gay men carrying him around the stage. There's a novel idea! Simon reminds the girls that this is AI and not "that silly little dancing show next door". Teehee. What did Dancing With the Stars ever do to you? Still, he calls the dancing desperate and thinks that the song was great except for the sax solo by Randy's bro and he wishes Paula would have chosen a better song. She tries to argue with him, but he looks at her like she's speaking Tunisian.
Que? Just cleany my housey. Me no talky to helpy.
Church tells Tink he knows he's not the most N'Sync person out there, but all he cares about is singing that song well! FAIL. He adds that he envisions himself in the finale next week. He keeps talking about feeling nervous and shaking out that energy. SHUT UP. God his singing is bad enough I can't handle listening to him talk so much too. I wish Simon was next to him so he could do this:
Simon and Paula keep on rough housin' while Tink gives Church's numbers, but Tink won't let the camera guy cut to them. We just hear Paula scream "help" over and over. Then Tink tells us Paula punched Simon in the "left breast". LOL. Hey look! Nigel's back! And he got really shitty seats.
When the chick from FOX morning news gets better seats, it's time to apologize to whoever you pissed off.
Kris is from Arkansas, and instead of a key to the city he gets an AT&T phone. Thanks for the dropped calls, Arkansas!
I didn't want an iPhone anyway. :(
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Comments (13)
Flipit, ILU. The entire content of page 5 made me laugh so hard I had to tinkle.
The only person I know who actually likes Church Lady is my mom, and she doesn't vote... (ok, I don't know anyone who actually votes, though, so that's sort of irrelevant). Fingers crossed!
1 of 13 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 13, 2009 3:20 PM
I dunno...at this point, AI has me too exhausted to hate the Church Lady anymore. Instead, I just laugh at him. He reminds me a lot of Scratchy, of 'Itchy and' fame (no relation). I'm hoping Hambert will cut him open with a chainsaw next week. Won't that be a hoot?
Laughed all the way through the recap -- I have to say, the Church Lady brings out the best in you, Flipit.
2 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 13, 2009 3:40 PM
awww, come'on..Gokey isn't so bad! He's so authentically Milwaukee, that is part of the pasty attraction. Besides, he looks like a younger, doughy, brother of Robert Downey Junior. (But Gokey, couldn't ya get a spray tan?)
3 of 13 | Posted by teeto | Posted on May 13, 2009 4:27 PM
Actually, if Ham is gay, then he won't win because AI hates the gays... which would actually be better for him. He can have a career, creatively, if he goes off on his own and leave the pop music to the church lady.
If anything, Gayken lost to Ruben Studdard... and no matter what a joke Gayken has become, he was a much bigger talent than Ruben's gut ever was! And, the Gayken is much more famous now than he ever was on Idol (ANTM, anyone!).
4 of 13 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on May 13, 2009 5:09 PM
Another great recap...
By the end of the show, I really felt like it was a three-way toss-up. wouldn't want to bet the mortgage on who would be eliminated.
I was pleasantly surprised by both Danny and Kris on their 2nd songs.
Ham is liable to suffer from having set our expectaions so high - even though he does amazing (unhuman? Hmmm!) things with his voice, we've come to take that for granted.
Kris could win in the finals because of all the people that don't like Adam (for being gay) or don't like Danny (for various reasons).
"The Three Amigos were funny on purpose." LOL
5 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 13, 2009 5:27 PM
Yay, Flip!!! I've been waiting all day for this, so glad to see it up! As usual, I'm all over the top with this, but I couldn't wait to see what you thought (or the rest of us for that matter)
For me, Kris was best with the Kanye song, I also thought he did Apologize better than one republic does it live. Falsetto live is not a good thing. The backing vox came in to support nicely, and I liked that he could change it and do it more full voiced. Then of course they left tire marks all over his face. Does KuntyScara not listen to the dress rehearsals anymore . . . did she not know what was to come . . . . does she expect the kid, in one week, during his hometown visit and endless appearances to learn and change both songs. He is the only one to play 2 instruments on the show, and he learned two songs, and one he performed by his onesies . . . I give him FULL PROPS, and at least the goddamn bonus check chasing judges had to give him credit for the 2nd song.
I don't know what they see in Gokey as a marketable artist worth swaying everyone for. As I've said, I like his voice, and in the right setting, I could listen to it, but the douchiness is on overload. As I was refilling my drink, and he was going on and on and on talking, I was screaming from the kitchen to "Shut the fuck up!!!" Yes, I'm so proud. Glad you picked up on that tho, Flip!
And lastly, our miss Glam. . . . well, I still love her, but I hated those . . . yeeech--completely ruined the U2, and the broadway version of Cryin'--a lame-o choice to begin with, heck, I dunno. Sadly the peeps around me don't know his song or Krispy's so I can't commiserate with anyone!!! Sad Horns . . . . Does she not realize what a shock it would be to just sing something normal . . . is it me!?
Anyhoo, I'm hopin' for an upset, but I've long since resigned myself to our countries tendency to back the religious one.
Also, I read all the comments from last week. May I just say, I don't care what religion people are, I try to love everyone, as corny as that sounds, and I also don't have to call people i don't like gay and then make fun of them. I always think this is the place to come and let it all hang out, and yea, sometimes it can cross certain lines, but I can hate someone and not have to call them gay. I'm good with being gay, and I'm thrilled to have a sister as a frontrunner--just wish I dug the songs better this time . . .
6 of 13 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 13, 2009 6:03 PM
Flipit, I will marry you yesterday! Each and every recap is a "written masterclass!"
7 of 13 | Posted by BeccaRULEZ | Posted on May 13, 2009 8:26 PM
"Nothing like a good round of malaria symptom verses to start the day off right."
Hahahaha. One of many gems in this recap. And yes, pg. 5 was hilarious.
Thanks, Juddfan, for saying what I was thinking but couldn't express so well.
8 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 13, 2009 9:24 PM
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Can't WAIT for your next recap! buwahahahahaha!
Victory is ours!
ChurchLady was so painful that my cat woke up from her nap and left the room.....
I muted it until it was over...
This season is such a farce! but your recaps keep me going, Flip! :D
9 of 13 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on May 14, 2009 1:24 AM
Flipit one of your best yet. The "Ray Liotta" photocap sent coffee up my nose. Are the results considered a "spoiler" by now? Well not to take a chance, I'll just say "yesssss!", and that a certain favorite is going to be in big trouble because all/most of the fans the guy who was eliminated are going to vote for the underdog, if they vote at all.
10 of 13 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on May 14, 2009 6:56 AM
Love the recap, Flip!
Kris has turned AI into Survivor. I love it. My only wish is that the Personality Fairy would deliver him from monotony because he is boring as hell when he isn't singing. Speaking of Hell, Danny and Adam's second performances were on different rings in Dante's Inferno.
There was the slow, burning, I am going to die if you don't finish this damn song version of "You Are So Beautiful" which had all the sincerity of a used car salesman's last-ditch pitch for a Ford Fiero. And then Adam got outsung by the backup bitch. Whoa. Only one bitch on the stage at once! The pressure seemed to make Adam prematurely ejaculate to the end of "Cryin'" in record time with a whole lot of gyrating and eye-reeming. Ouch.
I did like "One," but the arrangement sucked ass -- why did they jump to a fast, high tempo ending from the slow build? Hello? And then again on "Cryin'" the buildup wasn't there. They forgot the foreplay again! These are songs that are supposed to grow into the wailing. Slow down, and savor the song. Grr.
Kris was just lovely. Sure, he blew the notes. I think RandSkara forgot Gums was let go a few weeks back and got a little confused about who they were dealing with. I liked both performances from him, bum notes an all. And, btw, his version of "Apologize" was more original than Danny's "You Are So Beautiful." I sw Joe Cocker perform that live (well, as live as that man gets, which is slightly above shuffling Zombie; and it was a Tina Turner concert, I wasn't there for him) and it was quite pretty. Danny just looked constipated from trying to reign in his screaming.
11 of 13 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on May 14, 2009 7:53 AM
America's tendency to back the religious one? What planet are you on, Adam has been the frontrunner the whole time and he's obviously going to win.
I get that Gokey is annoying, but everyone i know can't stand Hambert and his screeching and tongue wagging. I don't get it, why would anyone want to listen to that on purpose on an album? gay, straight, whatever, he's unbearable! I hope after he wins, he just goes away like Taylor Hicks in some off, off broadway revival of Wicked.
12 of 13 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on May 14, 2009 8:07 AM
Simon reminds the girls that this is AI and not "that silly little dancing show next door". Teehee. What did Dancing With the Stars ever do to you?
I took that comment as a shot at SYTYCD. What with Nigel Lythgoe leaving Idol and all
13 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 14, 2009 1:30 PM