Hambert's in front of and AT&T store in San Diego and he's wearing the same blue nail polish Krispy has on his thumb. There are internet rumors that those two hate each other, but I think we can put those to rest. You don't share fingernail polish with people you hate. That's a pretty universally accepted truth, no? Ham's not looking so hot in the sunlight. I can see why he wears nineteen pounds of base every week.
Since when is Ray Liotta on this show?
Simon has chosen "One" by U2. No one's listening to him as he reads the text. His fans aren't really the types to show up to AT&T stores. I'm sure his real hometown event will take place later that night in a club with lots of cracky looking twinks, assless chaps, and glow sticks. Simon says it's his favorite song and he had to call Bono to get permission to sing it. He had to agree to using cloth toilet paper for a month and sending his leftovers to starving children in Africa, but he got the song.
The stage is all blue, which means Ham is shifting into "Mad World" mode. There is just a soft piano at the beginning, and Ham is softly emoting all over the place. It's the cabaret version! Bono's gonna be hellapissed that his song was arranged by the gay men's chorus. Not because they're gay, cuz they're cheese. I like Ham, but I am LOLing right now. What a dork! He's more nasally than usual and he misses a bunch of notes. His face, though, is priceless.
As if sensing he's losing us, out of nowhere Ham starts squealing the song out like someone's stomping on his toes and trying to steal his man bag. He gets so into it that he tries to eat his own name off the TV.
He's squealing and squirming and emoting and then boom, he nails that note three octaves up and coughs up a hairball.
Then instantly he's back into whisper faux cry mode, giving sad poses to every single camera in the place. He's sad face Vogueing. He's done some pretty bizarre performances this season, but this ranks right up near the top. WTF was that? Simon whispers something to Paula. I can't tell what it is, but it made her crack up. Probably the end of a knock knock joke or some shit. Can't get too deep with P. Ham's mom is crying. Either she's really proud of him or worried that that song might send him home, meaning she will be paying his rent again.
Randy thinks he's a great singer, but wasn't so into his version. Skara calls him an unbelievable strategist and says that he knows how to make a point. "See what I mean, Simon?" Yes, he gets it. But he was right about you choosing a song and then dissing it, lame ass Skara. Paula says her life is miserable cuz Simon is sitting there gloating about his brilliant song choice. She calls him the American Idol. Not Simon, Ham. Simon says it was brilliant and it was brilliant brilliance and if he's not in the finals next week it will be one of the biggest upsets in history and not very brilliant. Ham says Simon worked on the song with him (is that a joke? Cuz that's totes wrong if not) and if we rewind back home, we'll realize the lyrics are really beautiful. We know who U2 is k? Thanks.
You spent time making that lame ass poster? Pick a side, bitch!
Idol Gives Back Update! I would like to take this time to thank the producers for not putting me through that hell this season. There isn't a show this year. Instead, Exxon sent an Idol winner to Africa to check on progress. You'll never guess who. Carrie Underwood, of course! The only Idol never to say no to anything.
These lions at an entire village. Less money to raise next year!
Carrie goes to a tiny village and everyone gets mad that she's not Fantasia.
That was me in The Color Purple Musical! Yes it was! Prove me wrong, punk!
Carrie tells us that American Idol bought bed nets for the village and saved it from malaria. Not everyone's happy about it.
I want Nintendo, skank.
Those glasses on her head cost more than the village.
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Comments (13)
Flipit, ILU. The entire content of page 5 made me laugh so hard I had to tinkle.
The only person I know who actually likes Church Lady is my mom, and she doesn't vote... (ok, I don't know anyone who actually votes, though, so that's sort of irrelevant). Fingers crossed!
1 of 13 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 13, 2009 3:20 PM
I dunno...at this point, AI has me too exhausted to hate the Church Lady anymore. Instead, I just laugh at him. He reminds me a lot of Scratchy, of 'Itchy and' fame (no relation). I'm hoping Hambert will cut him open with a chainsaw next week. Won't that be a hoot?
Laughed all the way through the recap -- I have to say, the Church Lady brings out the best in you, Flipit.
2 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 13, 2009 3:40 PM
awww, come'on..Gokey isn't so bad! He's so authentically Milwaukee, that is part of the pasty attraction. Besides, he looks like a younger, doughy, brother of Robert Downey Junior. (But Gokey, couldn't ya get a spray tan?)
3 of 13 | Posted by teeto | Posted on May 13, 2009 4:27 PM
Actually, if Ham is gay, then he won't win because AI hates the gays... which would actually be better for him. He can have a career, creatively, if he goes off on his own and leave the pop music to the church lady.
If anything, Gayken lost to Ruben Studdard... and no matter what a joke Gayken has become, he was a much bigger talent than Ruben's gut ever was! And, the Gayken is much more famous now than he ever was on Idol (ANTM, anyone!).
4 of 13 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on May 13, 2009 5:09 PM
Another great recap...
By the end of the show, I really felt like it was a three-way toss-up. wouldn't want to bet the mortgage on who would be eliminated.
I was pleasantly surprised by both Danny and Kris on their 2nd songs.
Ham is liable to suffer from having set our expectaions so high - even though he does amazing (unhuman? Hmmm!) things with his voice, we've come to take that for granted.
Kris could win in the finals because of all the people that don't like Adam (for being gay) or don't like Danny (for various reasons).
"The Three Amigos were funny on purpose." LOL
5 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 13, 2009 5:27 PM
Yay, Flip!!! I've been waiting all day for this, so glad to see it up! As usual, I'm all over the top with this, but I couldn't wait to see what you thought (or the rest of us for that matter)
For me, Kris was best with the Kanye song, I also thought he did Apologize better than one republic does it live. Falsetto live is not a good thing. The backing vox came in to support nicely, and I liked that he could change it and do it more full voiced. Then of course they left tire marks all over his face. Does KuntyScara not listen to the dress rehearsals anymore . . . did she not know what was to come . . . . does she expect the kid, in one week, during his hometown visit and endless appearances to learn and change both songs. He is the only one to play 2 instruments on the show, and he learned two songs, and one he performed by his onesies . . . I give him FULL PROPS, and at least the goddamn bonus check chasing judges had to give him credit for the 2nd song.
I don't know what they see in Gokey as a marketable artist worth swaying everyone for. As I've said, I like his voice, and in the right setting, I could listen to it, but the douchiness is on overload. As I was refilling my drink, and he was going on and on and on talking, I was screaming from the kitchen to "Shut the fuck up!!!" Yes, I'm so proud. Glad you picked up on that tho, Flip!
And lastly, our miss Glam. . . . well, I still love her, but I hated those . . . yeeech--completely ruined the U2, and the broadway version of Cryin'--a lame-o choice to begin with, heck, I dunno. Sadly the peeps around me don't know his song or Krispy's so I can't commiserate with anyone!!! Sad Horns . . . . Does she not realize what a shock it would be to just sing something normal . . . is it me!?
Anyhoo, I'm hopin' for an upset, but I've long since resigned myself to our countries tendency to back the religious one.
Also, I read all the comments from last week. May I just say, I don't care what religion people are, I try to love everyone, as corny as that sounds, and I also don't have to call people i don't like gay and then make fun of them. I always think this is the place to come and let it all hang out, and yea, sometimes it can cross certain lines, but I can hate someone and not have to call them gay. I'm good with being gay, and I'm thrilled to have a sister as a frontrunner--just wish I dug the songs better this time . . .
6 of 13 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 13, 2009 6:03 PM
Flipit, I will marry you yesterday! Each and every recap is a "written masterclass!"
7 of 13 | Posted by BeccaRULEZ | Posted on May 13, 2009 8:26 PM
"Nothing like a good round of malaria symptom verses to start the day off right."
Hahahaha. One of many gems in this recap. And yes, pg. 5 was hilarious.
Thanks, Juddfan, for saying what I was thinking but couldn't express so well.
8 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 13, 2009 9:24 PM
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Can't WAIT for your next recap! buwahahahahaha!
Victory is ours!
ChurchLady was so painful that my cat woke up from her nap and left the room.....
I muted it until it was over...
This season is such a farce! but your recaps keep me going, Flip! :D
9 of 13 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on May 14, 2009 1:24 AM
Flipit one of your best yet. The "Ray Liotta" photocap sent coffee up my nose. Are the results considered a "spoiler" by now? Well not to take a chance, I'll just say "yesssss!", and that a certain favorite is going to be in big trouble because all/most of the fans the guy who was eliminated are going to vote for the underdog, if they vote at all.
10 of 13 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on May 14, 2009 6:56 AM
Love the recap, Flip!
Kris has turned AI into Survivor. I love it. My only wish is that the Personality Fairy would deliver him from monotony because he is boring as hell when he isn't singing. Speaking of Hell, Danny and Adam's second performances were on different rings in Dante's Inferno.
There was the slow, burning, I am going to die if you don't finish this damn song version of "You Are So Beautiful" which had all the sincerity of a used car salesman's last-ditch pitch for a Ford Fiero. And then Adam got outsung by the backup bitch. Whoa. Only one bitch on the stage at once! The pressure seemed to make Adam prematurely ejaculate to the end of "Cryin'" in record time with a whole lot of gyrating and eye-reeming. Ouch.
I did like "One," but the arrangement sucked ass -- why did they jump to a fast, high tempo ending from the slow build? Hello? And then again on "Cryin'" the buildup wasn't there. They forgot the foreplay again! These are songs that are supposed to grow into the wailing. Slow down, and savor the song. Grr.
Kris was just lovely. Sure, he blew the notes. I think RandSkara forgot Gums was let go a few weeks back and got a little confused about who they were dealing with. I liked both performances from him, bum notes an all. And, btw, his version of "Apologize" was more original than Danny's "You Are So Beautiful." I sw Joe Cocker perform that live (well, as live as that man gets, which is slightly above shuffling Zombie; and it was a Tina Turner concert, I wasn't there for him) and it was quite pretty. Danny just looked constipated from trying to reign in his screaming.
11 of 13 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on May 14, 2009 7:53 AM
America's tendency to back the religious one? What planet are you on, Adam has been the frontrunner the whole time and he's obviously going to win.
I get that Gokey is annoying, but everyone i know can't stand Hambert and his screeching and tongue wagging. I don't get it, why would anyone want to listen to that on purpose on an album? gay, straight, whatever, he's unbearable! I hope after he wins, he just goes away like Taylor Hicks in some off, off broadway revival of Wicked.
12 of 13 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on May 14, 2009 8:07 AM
Simon reminds the girls that this is AI and not "that silly little dancing show next door". Teehee. What did Dancing With the Stars ever do to you?
I took that comment as a shot at SYTYCD. What with Nigel Lythgoe leaving Idol and all
13 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 14, 2009 1:30 PM