Do you think the AI producers get super-secret superdelegate votes that we've never heard about? Evidently, millions upon millions of people try to vote at the same time but we're never told exactly how the results are broken down by percentage. Thank god for ZabaSearch and Nick Matzorkis!

Seacrest sure isn't sugarcoating anything when he announces that, while eight men are competing to be in the Top 12, two will fail at convincing America they're not gay. Well, I guess Hannah Mantana never really tried so much as shoved it down our throats, wished Santa would rape us, and then choked us with his stripey scarf.

This week is all about shoulderpads and the '80s. Thanks, Captain Obvious. We get to learn all about our contestant's most precious, err, embarrassing moments.

"We're not fruits."

Meh-nard tells us an absolutely riveting story growing up gender-confused, which ultimately led to his joining an a capella troupe. His sister, desperately wanting a younger sister, dressed him up as a ballerina, complete with leotard, tutu and barrettes. And took a photo. He was eight. OMG. I, too, once desperately longed for a little sister, and it didn't help that my first younger sibling was a boy whose name was identical to mine except for the last letter of our three syllable names. The letter wasn't even a vowel, just the consonant at the end! Like Jam and Jan. Fucked up, right? I convinced him he was a girl and let him pick out a blue sailor dress and some plastic baubles to wear. And took a picture. My second attempt, with my next baby brother, was less successful - we only got as far as an Ariel the Mermaid nightshirt and lots of singing songs from Annie.

ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!

Meh-nard's taking on"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! This arrangement, while light and frothy as a mug full of foamy deliciousness, is just not my cup of tea. It's not the band (which is the bombdiggity with the bass slap, by the way). It's Meh-nard's falsetto, which is more annoyingly flat than my rack in 7th grade. He's rushing it, is off-tempo, and is on the verge of choppiness. By the time he warbles "You make me hiiiiiggghhhhh" more weakly than a goldfish giving me a handshake, I hate him. There's just no power behind it, it's limp. He fades out on some of the lower notes when he really needs to power through. I douse myself in gasoline, only to remember I have an electric stovetop. UH JITTABUG!

Down Syndrome McDreamy

"Dawg, did you have a good time, baby?" said Randy. You know when Randy starts with a question, you're done for. He proclaims it pitchy and cornier than the last time he took a dump, and is surprised by the song selection. Really. Surprised by A Capella McDreamy? Paula agrees, but explains that she choreographed George Michael's tour and has a special place in her heart for this song. And Meh-nard's interpretation. Yawn. Onto Simon! Not one to mince words, Simon tells it to Meh-nard straight up. It was weak. Boring. A bit girly. Oh, and BTW? You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning Idol or making it into the top 12. Paula protests by saying it's a singing competition, whatever that means. If it was really just a singing competition, the contestants would sing in a sealed off, windowless room that pipes their vocals out to the audience.

Lemony Snicket's Magic 8 Ball Says: Signs Point to Tragedy

The Fetus is taking on Phil Collins. What, no Peter Gabriel? He was in Genesis, too. Seacrest humiliates the Fetus by announcing that Fetus has a bladder the size of a peanut. Fetus' most embarrassing moment thus far is being flown out to sing in Honduras. He got halfway through the song when his voice gave out. So Mommy had to go on stage, help him finish, and change his dirty diaper. It happens.

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Last Comment: donnac923 on Mar 11, 2008 11:34 AM.