Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,
or what's a heaven for? - Robert Browning
I openly mock people who print out motivational quotes in Comic Sans font and post them on their walls. I avoid the Maya Angelou section of Hallmark cards like they're filled with anthrax. I desecrate any song with the "wings," "hope," "Sweet Jesus" and "gravity" by replacing the words indiscriminately with "hot dog." So when I learned that it was Inspiration Week on American Idol, I squealed like a little piggy being force-fed greasy deliciousness.
Nothing is more American than the pursuit of delusions powered by one's overinflated sense of self-entitlement and bad wardrobe decisions. Except for bacon-wrapped hot dogs dipped in batter and then deep-fried, topped off with onion rings and melted cheese. Maybe we should send those to the kids in Africa instead of the millions of dollars in aid that still haven't been released from last year's Idol Gives Back donations, eh? Yeah, yeah, you plan to disburse the money over two years, but that's not helping little Babatunde and Ekenedilichukwu! And throw in some free Charity Water, since you're not releasing your accounting files!
Seacrest keeps telling me that I make the shots by calling in. But how un-American is it that American Idol claims that the winner is based on the popular vote? If we really want to be American here, a shit ton of those votes should be thrown out. Al Gore laughs bitterly every time Seacrest says that we, the people, have the power. If AI is as American as it claims to be, there's gotta be the equivalent of superdelegates (producers, judges, the crazy cat lady backstage in props) an the Electoral College/Supreme Court (Nigel Lythgoe) to undermine the popular vote. Yet we don't have any ballot-related issues because oh hey, they never release numbers! Yes, that is my final thesis. Oh, also, these people are awkward on stage when they are asked to just stand still and not say anything.
Seacrest has the contestants walk through the deadly sliding doors and, because I watch episodes over and over, I notice that David Cook appears to not follow his assigned position in the lineup. He looks like he's supposed to go somewhere in between Syesha and Brooke, but then abruptly veers stage right to sandwich himself between KLC and the Fetus. Smart power play, 'cause standing next to Fetus automatically gives you some immunity. It's a psychological thing, people. Michael Johns is visibly pissed as he tries to jockey for his position in between KLC and Douche-id Cook, pushing them aside so he doesn't have to stand behind them. Douche refuses to move, though, so Michael Johns' left shoulder and arm are hidden behind Douche's craptastic white jacket. It is awkward and hilarious.
"But...but...Maaaaaaam! He pushed me!"
Michael Johns appears as the silk scarf-wearing (the Ascot lives on from last week! Gross) skeezeball you'd meet at a distant cousin's wedding. The guy who brags about how wildly successful he is at life and how much he loves his schooner, plies drinks on you all night - and then passes out on top of you in a supply closet to the strains of "The Chicken Dance." After he's convinced you to smear Marmite all over your boobies. Did I mention he looks like an alcoholic this week? Get it together, man.
Then again, this is the guy who believes you should dream on until your dreams come true. It doesn't work that way. Oh, hey, he's doing "Dream On" by Aerosmith. I'm not sure if he realizes "dream on" is a sarcastic phrase, being Australian and all. But I totally paused this episode during his video confessional because he looks just like a poor man's David Cook for two seconds. Those two are having serious walk-offs backstage.
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Comments (12)
David Cook looked like an anime character this week with that absurd jacket and that emo comb-over on that ginormous head. His favorite band is Our Lady Peace. Seriously?? No wonder I despise him so.
Did anyone else notice the seven year old girl tarted up like a whore holding the sign for Archuletta reading "Lick Those Lips"? Uhh....gross and inapropriate.
1 of 12 | Posted by blueaspic | Posted on April 9, 2008 9:52 PM
Blueaspic, I saw the girl with the "Lick those lips" sign and it deeply disturbed me. Glad someone else noticed it too. Ugh.
2 of 12 | Posted by kapowski | Posted on April 10, 2008 7:58 AM
Great recap, T.Vo! I especially loved the screencaps of D. Cook's awkward box-out of Michael and your mention of KLC's assault on our "auditory health"!
I thought the same as you when I saw D. Cook - total Bono wannabe with the wardrobe and the inspirational palm message. And I do think Fetus really is that aw-shucks. It can't possibly be fake. Or maybe I just don't want it to be!
I think your bottom 3 prediction is spot-on. I hope Syesha goes, I hate her bland diva-lite performances.
3 of 12 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on April 10, 2008 10:47 AM
Fine recap!
Saw the sign... yikes!
Agree with your bottom 3 - maybe Cook, too.
Kind of feel Carly will (unjustly) go home this week... if not her, Syesha.
"America" will not decide. People who vote - and people who vote many times - will decide.
4 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 10, 2008 12:37 PM
I agree that people going before KLC are being double dissed, but hey, that's why it's about many things, not just a singing voice, and KLC's smart choices of late are helping her cause. I've never hated her, and Carrie never moved, so perhaps it's not required for country--anyhoo, it was like she wrote that song about our shared experiences on the show, and I think it was Super Smart! Carly, on the other hand, never liked her, never will . . . dumb clothes, dumb diaries, angry face singing, and I don't get it . . . I really don't want to hear her sing . . . Syesha is so much more pleasing, but I agree, drop the diva, biotch, we just got rid of Rami, don't be possessed by the lamest song chooser of all Idol history!!!! Douche Cook Bono wanna be boned it this week, I couldn't even tell that was a song it was such a mess, hopefully he'll earn his pomp next week. Thanks for the biting and timely recap!
5 of 12 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:44 PM
and BTW, Jason Castro is now officailly 2008's Tiny Tim!
6 of 12 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:47 PM
SO the ONLY thing that could've saved Douchbag Cook this week was if he had written on his other palm "NOT PENNY'S BOAT". This would have endeared me to him until the end of time. However, he is too much of a tool to try to be funny, therefore he sucks forever. I gotta go with Castro for the best. I hope he doesn't win though. I'd rather have a nice non-commercial Jack Johnston or Ben Harper type record than the douchey pop record they'll make him do.
GREAT RECAP!!!!!!!!
7 of 12 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:50 PM
I heart you all. LOVE!
Also, isn't it funny how we want to spare the musicians/singers we don't want trapped in a pop album by Idol? I agree that Castro could do well, with the right indie label, producer, writing team, and blend of special herbs!
I am worried that Fetus will never escape the Iron Mormon Fist of his father. FREE THE FETUS!
8 of 12 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 10, 2008 6:50 PM
I guess I'm alone on my dislike of Castro. I about fell asleep during his performance. I do every week. Compared to him, I even like Brooke. BROOK!
For shame.
It's weird, he sounds the same every week to me, but the judges seem to have this weird relationship with him where they either praise him too much or they absolutely hate him for no reason.
Either way, the sooner he or Brooke goes home, the better in my opinion. Fetus would be a nice addition, but the tweens have basically decided he's the next Idol.
But I can still dream...
9 of 12 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on April 11, 2008 6:27 PM
^ no, you are certainly not alone in your dislike for Castro.
I feel that everyone who gets voted off before HIM is seriously dissed.
He's not that talented and worse -- he's lazy!
Fantastic recap, T.Vo! I sniggered at the screencap "Lunging for Life: The Kristy Lee Cook Story" etc LOVED the Sth Park shout-outs. In fact, my guy and I channelled Cartman with that very quote earlier today.
too funny!
I missed the Cook vs Johns cockblock. I also missed the slutty kid in the audience -- and I'm so glad I didn't see something that creepy.
Thank goodness for recaps & funny comments!!
10 of 12 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 12, 2008 3:50 PM
I think Castro serves as a litmus test of how all the other contestants are faring that week. Because he's always at the same energy level every week, he's like the "control" in this national guinea pig experiment we like to call Idol. So if judges favorites like Michael Johns and Carly suck it up, they praise Castro like he's cured cancer. And if they knock it out of the ballpark, it's all "We don't get you, Castro. Why are you such a snoozefest, hippie?"
11 of 12 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 13, 2008 7:00 PM
T.Vo--I totally agree with you. I think Castro's been absolutely the most consistent and that does make him the "control". I don't get why Simon says that he doesn't get him. It's so weird. What's not to get? He's the same every time!!
12 of 12 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 13, 2008 7:56 PM