I can't remember why I left Star 98.7.
Things that are super-hyped but are ultimately underwhelming, the more you think about them:
1. Pinkberry. Why should I pay over three dollars for fake frozen yogurt made from a powdered mix that's combined with water?
2. The top 12 guys on Tuesday's American Idol. The girls are going to kick their asses.
Things that you wouldn't think much of, but are surprisingly good:
1. Taco Tuesday at Del Taco. $1.09 for 3 tacos, every Tuesday. They're edible and a steal. Plus, they're my litmus test of determining whether something is overpriced, like a $200 dress. I convert the dollars into tacos and suddenly, buying something that costs 600 tacos is no longer a good idea.
2. Jason Castro.
Seacrest the toothpaste peddler prances down the AI staircase of shame. He clarifies that this isn't just a stage, but a platform. A platform that will allow many people to spam you with renditions of songs that have become bastardized beyond recognition? Sounds kinda like Facebook to me, which allows people to spam me everyday with invitations to add applications like "What non-deadly STD are you?!" and "What's the color of your heart?"
But seriously, I think he means a launch pad or perhaps a rocket constructed out of origami paper. We're treated to a 10 second parade of all our male contestants in the order they will be singing. Here are my snap judgments.
If you squint hard enough, you'll see an abused production assistant between David H and Chikezie's legs.
David Hernandez - A good reason to not name your child David
Chikezie - Orange Otter pops
David Cook - Another reason to not name your child David
Jason Yeager - Stupid highlights in stupid hair
Robby Carrico - Almost as bad as Kid Rock
David Archuletta - Jazz hands smiley face!
Danny Noriega - Worse than Emotard from "Heroes"
Luke Menard - Meh, blah
Colton Berry - High School Musical reject
Garrett Haley - "All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."
Jason Castro - I've never seen you before
Michael Johns - Did you steal your scarf from Maroon 5 or Danny Noriega?
The audience is clapping half-heartedly, and it's only the first five minutes of the show. I have a sinking feeling that it's going to be a rough two hours. It sounds like the clapping you hear at children's piano recitals when none of the kids have practiced and the parents are dying for a drink after the third consecutive butchered performance of Bach's Minuet in G.
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat, punk!
I am longing for some sort of rapid-style elimination where the contestants aren't allowed to complete the first four measures of their song if they suck, and are flung into a tank filled with sharks that shoot lasers. But it's not gonna happen.
Seacrest says hello to the girls, and I count only 11. Perhaps they sent Carly Smithson home for changing her name and recording a crappy album you can buy on iTunes. Maybe she joined The Corrs. But she's probably just sick with avian bird flu.
Our judges are back for their seventh dose, and Randy is the most excited of all. He's rocking the man cardigans and enthusiastically lies that there's more originality in these guys this season than there's ever been. You know he's lying because he didn't say dawgs, but tops it off with "Keep it real, boyzzzz." Paula, in a sparkly top, has overdone it with the mood stabilizers and sedatives. She sedately congratulates Randy on his restraint (he's only said "dawg" and "man" twice). She rehashes that song selection is extremely important and doesn't even crack a smile.
Seacrest ribs Simon about saying something inspirational and motivational to the contestants. Simon reads a bit from a Maya Angelou Hallmark card, sets it on fire, and dryly states that it's about personality, originality, and singing chops. Seacrest congratulates the judges on finding all these great people, but it really can't be that hard to weed out the talent from the writhing mobs of flesh that flock to these auditions in between being test subjects for experimental medical treatments and drug studies.
It was cheaper to hire the wax figurines from Madame Tussauds.
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Comments (18)
GREAT RECAP!!!
i really laughed hard!
You are right about that Danny kid-he really comes off annoying and i was dissapointed with his song choice (lol on the comment about his jeans-hehehe). I loved the "Fetus"-so sweet-funny name. and mr. double chin was ok-keep up the good work!
1 of 18 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 21, 2008 11:05 PM
Awesome. Colon looks so much like Ellen it scares me. He needs to leave asap. Great job on the recap. Can't wait to read the next one!
2 of 18 | Posted by bone | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:01 AM
The photo captions were HILARIOUS! Greybishop just had some good ones (for "Lost") too. Did you both take a "Killer Photo Caption" class together? I may never stop laughing at:
"Optical illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?"
3 of 18 | Posted by geewits | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:36 AM
I almost peed my pants - what a GREAT recap and obviously spot on as to who would go -
This screencap was brilliant: Conveniently filling the void left by Heath Ledger. Too soon? Awful and yet hysterical.
Michael Johns was off key the entire second half of the song and yet they dont call him on it - they place him and carly as the last singer of the night. Ringer anyone?
4 of 18 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 6:25 AM
This was a great recap. I haven't seen the first half of the show yet but now I feel like I have. Just one quibble: comparing Danny Noriega to Freddie Mercury is just wrong. Freddie Mercury is a god. Danny Noriega is annoying.
5 of 18 | Posted by LonnaSaur | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:25 AM
Am I the only one that was convinced that Garrett could be the love child of Frodo Baggins and Heather Graham?
6 of 18 | Posted by jennm926 | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:59 AM
Great recap and screen caps.
I pick David A. as the favorite - which means he will kick ass for weeks, then be the surprise loser when everyone votes to save someone else late in the season.
Good point that the seasoned pros look good now, but haven't as much room to improve.
You were wrong about one thing, though - the girls first week performances were even more disappointing than the boys.
Hope it's just the Hollywood squirrel fever that's going around.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:27 AM
Awesome Recap!! OMG -
Most hysterical thing ever:
"Luke Menard is the carpet cleaner of my dreams. No, not really. I mostly lust after carpenters whose wives get pregnant through immaculate conception."
Oh - and the Helen Keller photo-cap was brilliant too!
About Jason Castro - he reminds me of the type of guy that just has to spew some bullshit hippie philosophy about love and sunflowers to get me to sleep with him (which I totally would) only to be like - "hey, the dreads are just part of the act - go home and loose my #"
Yet, he's still my favorite at this point!
I have to make one comment about Danny Noriaga - I have been going out of my mind about who he reminds me of and I finally realized, he looks EXACTLY LIKE Miley Cyrus's identical twin brother! No? They totally have the same face....
8 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:53 AM
Aw, thanks for all the love, you guys and gals! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy especially since it's rainy in LA right now. If only I could make a career out of silly captions...
Helen Keller's my girl. That shirt also looked as though some crafty person ran out of ugly stamps and resorted to decorating it with burnt baked potatoes instead. I actually hadn't seen the girls perform yet when I wrote the recap, and couldn't fathom a worse performance by the time Garret (who does look like the spawn of Frodo & Heather Graham, carmelicious!) stepped up to the plate.
Did anyone notice how much grosser/visible his teen molestache had gotten by last night's results show and his swan song?
9 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:15 PM
...and I apologize for mentioning Freddy Mercury and Danny Noriega in the same paragraph. I can just envision Danny Noriega citing Freddy Mercury as an influence as he flaps around on stage in future performances in ball-smothering vinyl pants.
10 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:19 PM
thanks for the great recap Tvo!!! I'm not a Michael Johns fan either--on vote out group performance, he sounded just awful trying to sing something regular (as opposed to shouted) I also didn't dig Bohemian Rhapsody that much, sounded pitchy and shouted again, but at least he's hot.
I had backstreet and mehnard as my leaving picks . . . if not now, then when!?
I wish Miley was a fun loving sassy queen, and not an attitudy bitchy queen, his little tongue cluck to Simon would have been riotous if he wasn't soooo precious! He seemed okay while singing though, not as affected . . . R the teens girls stupid enough to Sanjaya this one!? I'm thinking not, but alas, wasn't Michael Jackson a young skinny queen once . . . .
Also, Jason Castro . . . . WTF, what is everyone seeing in Tiny Tim that I'm missing . . . . he's soooo not AI--just wait . . . .and he's too John Travolta goofy for me . . . .
and Jennm-you are 100% right!!!!
11 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:21 PM
Jennm, I think I'm a little loopy from two all-nighters and recapping, you're absolutely right about Garrett and I meant to credit you earlier! Carmelicious, you're right about the Miley connection! Maybe I can figure out how to merge their two faces together with Photoshop.
..What day is it again?
-deliriously sleep-deprived T.Vo
12 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:35 PM
awesome recap -- and noriega TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT DUDE FROM PROJECT RUNWAY!!!
fox should hold idol eliminations via means of russian roulette. that would fill the hour wayyyyy better.
rock it, t.vo!
13 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:42 PM
"Fetus David" isn't inexperienced at all. Apparently, homeboy was on and won some Star Search junior singer thing when he was 12, and there are all sorts of videos of him singing for huge crowds and shit [and one of him singing for Kelly Clarkson, apparently].
Normally, this wouldn't annoy me but I'm getting a bit tired of his "Oh, golly gee, you really like me!?" routine when he's basically already had a mini-carrer in singing.
14 of 18 | Posted by GildedLulz | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:52 PM
I just don't have enuf time to itemise the sheer awesomeness (pronounced "ahh-some-ness, a la Bret Michaels) of this recap.
You and CB and - of course - Flip are all so fucking fantastic in your own special take on the majesty that IS. American. Idol.
But I am DEF using the del taco rating for everything from now on.
ANd I love that bit where the guy licks icecream off the baby's head bc (1) it looks like a real baby and (B) he pulls its eyes into slits as he does it -- too funny. I now have to t.vo that show.
Love YOUSE all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do think this is the best damn crew of any season. My top 4 are Michael Johns (Aussie -- woo hoo!) Carly Irish chick (far better rocker than the nurse who can only growl) the super gorgeous and skinny afro'd black chick and the cute young 16 year old guy David Hernadez, I think?
Danny Noriega has a MASSIVE future as a tranny drag queen in Thailand.
Just you wait.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:58 PM
T.Vo, I now have to figure out ways to work the comment, "Optical Illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?" into daily conversation--it was genius! And, as a nickname for our favorite little Miley Cyrus-resembling drama queen, may I suggest "Hannah MANtana?"
16 of 18 | Posted by discofairy66 | Posted on February 23, 2008 1:42 PM
I'm late here but was on vaca last week. HYSTERICAl recap... love it, thanks for the entertainment!
17 of 18 | Posted by TVCheese | Posted on February 24, 2008 7:42 PM
Hhahaha that was really funny stuff. I love american idol, and i'm on the David Archuletta fan train!
He's really great. On youtube there is a video of him singing a Thousand miles by vanessa carlton, and a video of him singing to Kelly Clarkson and the other 1st idol contestants in like an airport or something 6 years ago.
Can't wait for more recaps!
18 of 18 | Posted by em92992 | Posted on February 25, 2008 4:12 PM