After the obligatory montage of the American Idol "Trail of Tears" journey and a commercial that includes a dad licking ice cream off a baby's bald head, we're informed that tonight is all about songs that can be found on Time Life's seven-disc "'60s Gold" collection. I am secretly hoping someone attempts "What's New Pussycat?" or "California Dreamin'." But no one's going to sing before Seacrest the Shill plugs yet another AI partner, iTunes! You can relive the pitchiness, horror, and brief moments of "hey, he's not that bad" by downloading the night's performances.
First on the chopping block: David Hernandez, who likes overly tight shirts with numbers and random sports printed on them. He manages to mention being raised by a single mom, low-income housing, broken family, and singing as escape for the soul in one sentence. I got it. His eyebrows bother me. He's fired up by Simon's veto of him during Hollywood week, so we can safely assume that he's going to be slightly mediocre in this opening performance.
David # 1 is singing "The Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett, with a gospelly vibe created by the organ accompaniment. He's not the most charismatic, and he's on the verge of fluttering his fingers a tad too much on the mic. But I'll chalk that up to opening night nerves. His tone? Wedding/cheap lounge singer at best, which isn't helped by the background singers (who don't sound too excited to begin with) and the arrangement. At the very least, he's carrying a tune for the most part and has some power behind his voice. His eyes are absolutely dead, though, and that scares me.
He started out strong, but by the middle of the song, he's stiffening up and chopping up the phrases instead of elongating them with some legato. But then we get to the end, and it's not pretty. David H's phrasing and timing gets really off and he struggles with the high notes, drops the rest and then crashes to an abrupt stop at the end, slurring "midnighthourrrrrrr." A measure after the band's hit their final downbeat. It's awkward as he tries to slide the last few words in total silence. It's kind of like having sex with someone who climaxes before you, and you realize, "Shit, I need to finish up!" before they roll over and start snoring. I was expecting worse. He won't be kicked off this week, but he'll be gone in about two to four weeks, for a lack of originality and stage presence. America can't handle three Davids.
Optical illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?
Randy liked it, but Randy is kind of like George Foreman in that he usually likes everything. He thinks David #1 was a strong opener, and Paula agrees, praising his vibrato and falsetto.
Simon weighs in that it was better than he thought it would be. Simon is fantastic at the negative tactics mentioned in The Game , with backhanded compliments such as "Wow, your hair looks great, you must pay a ton of money to get it to look like that." The opening was strong, lost its way in the middle, and then blew chunks at the end. It wouldn't hurt to loosen up a bit either, David H.
What happens if you dial the AI number but hit 1-800 instead of 866? Do you get a hot chat/escort service consisting of Idol rejects and past seasons' runner-ups?
Chikeze (Ezie) made it to the end of Hollywood week last season, only to be cut. During auditions this time around, he also enjoys t-shirts printed with random numbers. He's got extremely good control over his voice and a fantastic tone quality, which is more than I can say for 75% of the contestants. He hails from Inglewood (pronounced "IngleWOOOOD"), which is a city over from my hometown. Guess where I grew up? I'll give you a clue - home of The Carpenters.
Chikeze is one of those people who have already dropped their last names, at the ripe old age of 22. His name makes me think of those Morningstar Chik patties, though. He channels Carlton Banks and Tom Jones in a red-orange pimp suit, complete with matching pocket napkin. I'm glad to be extremely nearsighted right now, 'cause I'm not down with his tastes. I am very thankful that he didn't pair the suit with a white turtleneck. As he launches into his rendition of "More Than Yesterday" by Spiral Starecase (yep, it's "starecase", and this is what they came up with after being called the Fydallions), I am transported to the world of Shaft/shag carpet/rollerdisco porn.
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Comments (18)
GREAT RECAP!!!
i really laughed hard!
You are right about that Danny kid-he really comes off annoying and i was dissapointed with his song choice (lol on the comment about his jeans-hehehe). I loved the "Fetus"-so sweet-funny name. and mr. double chin was ok-keep up the good work!
1 of 18 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 21, 2008 11:05 PM
Awesome. Colon looks so much like Ellen it scares me. He needs to leave asap. Great job on the recap. Can't wait to read the next one!
2 of 18 | Posted by bone | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:01 AM
The photo captions were HILARIOUS! Greybishop just had some good ones (for "Lost") too. Did you both take a "Killer Photo Caption" class together? I may never stop laughing at:
"Optical illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?"
3 of 18 | Posted by geewits | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:36 AM
I almost peed my pants - what a GREAT recap and obviously spot on as to who would go -
This screencap was brilliant: Conveniently filling the void left by Heath Ledger. Too soon? Awful and yet hysterical.
Michael Johns was off key the entire second half of the song and yet they dont call him on it - they place him and carly as the last singer of the night. Ringer anyone?
4 of 18 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 6:25 AM
This was a great recap. I haven't seen the first half of the show yet but now I feel like I have. Just one quibble: comparing Danny Noriega to Freddie Mercury is just wrong. Freddie Mercury is a god. Danny Noriega is annoying.
5 of 18 | Posted by LonnaSaur | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:25 AM
Am I the only one that was convinced that Garrett could be the love child of Frodo Baggins and Heather Graham?
6 of 18 | Posted by jennm926 | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:59 AM
Great recap and screen caps.
I pick David A. as the favorite - which means he will kick ass for weeks, then be the surprise loser when everyone votes to save someone else late in the season.
Good point that the seasoned pros look good now, but haven't as much room to improve.
You were wrong about one thing, though - the girls first week performances were even more disappointing than the boys.
Hope it's just the Hollywood squirrel fever that's going around.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:27 AM
Awesome Recap!! OMG -
Most hysterical thing ever:
"Luke Menard is the carpet cleaner of my dreams. No, not really. I mostly lust after carpenters whose wives get pregnant through immaculate conception."
Oh - and the Helen Keller photo-cap was brilliant too!
About Jason Castro - he reminds me of the type of guy that just has to spew some bullshit hippie philosophy about love and sunflowers to get me to sleep with him (which I totally would) only to be like - "hey, the dreads are just part of the act - go home and loose my #"
Yet, he's still my favorite at this point!
I have to make one comment about Danny Noriaga - I have been going out of my mind about who he reminds me of and I finally realized, he looks EXACTLY LIKE Miley Cyrus's identical twin brother! No? They totally have the same face....
8 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:53 AM
Aw, thanks for all the love, you guys and gals! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy especially since it's rainy in LA right now. If only I could make a career out of silly captions...
Helen Keller's my girl. That shirt also looked as though some crafty person ran out of ugly stamps and resorted to decorating it with burnt baked potatoes instead. I actually hadn't seen the girls perform yet when I wrote the recap, and couldn't fathom a worse performance by the time Garret (who does look like the spawn of Frodo & Heather Graham, carmelicious!) stepped up to the plate.
Did anyone notice how much grosser/visible his teen molestache had gotten by last night's results show and his swan song?
9 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:15 PM
...and I apologize for mentioning Freddy Mercury and Danny Noriega in the same paragraph. I can just envision Danny Noriega citing Freddy Mercury as an influence as he flaps around on stage in future performances in ball-smothering vinyl pants.
10 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:19 PM
thanks for the great recap Tvo!!! I'm not a Michael Johns fan either--on vote out group performance, he sounded just awful trying to sing something regular (as opposed to shouted) I also didn't dig Bohemian Rhapsody that much, sounded pitchy and shouted again, but at least he's hot.
I had backstreet and mehnard as my leaving picks . . . if not now, then when!?
I wish Miley was a fun loving sassy queen, and not an attitudy bitchy queen, his little tongue cluck to Simon would have been riotous if he wasn't soooo precious! He seemed okay while singing though, not as affected . . . R the teens girls stupid enough to Sanjaya this one!? I'm thinking not, but alas, wasn't Michael Jackson a young skinny queen once . . . .
Also, Jason Castro . . . . WTF, what is everyone seeing in Tiny Tim that I'm missing . . . . he's soooo not AI--just wait . . . .and he's too John Travolta goofy for me . . . .
and Jennm-you are 100% right!!!!
11 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:21 PM
Jennm, I think I'm a little loopy from two all-nighters and recapping, you're absolutely right about Garrett and I meant to credit you earlier! Carmelicious, you're right about the Miley connection! Maybe I can figure out how to merge their two faces together with Photoshop.
..What day is it again?
-deliriously sleep-deprived T.Vo
12 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:35 PM
awesome recap -- and noriega TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT DUDE FROM PROJECT RUNWAY!!!
fox should hold idol eliminations via means of russian roulette. that would fill the hour wayyyyy better.
rock it, t.vo!
13 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:42 PM
"Fetus David" isn't inexperienced at all. Apparently, homeboy was on and won some Star Search junior singer thing when he was 12, and there are all sorts of videos of him singing for huge crowds and shit [and one of him singing for Kelly Clarkson, apparently].
Normally, this wouldn't annoy me but I'm getting a bit tired of his "Oh, golly gee, you really like me!?" routine when he's basically already had a mini-carrer in singing.
14 of 18 | Posted by GildedLulz | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:52 PM
I just don't have enuf time to itemise the sheer awesomeness (pronounced "ahh-some-ness, a la Bret Michaels) of this recap.
You and CB and - of course - Flip are all so fucking fantastic in your own special take on the majesty that IS. American. Idol.
But I am DEF using the del taco rating for everything from now on.
ANd I love that bit where the guy licks icecream off the baby's head bc (1) it looks like a real baby and (B) he pulls its eyes into slits as he does it -- too funny. I now have to t.vo that show.
Love YOUSE all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do think this is the best damn crew of any season. My top 4 are Michael Johns (Aussie -- woo hoo!) Carly Irish chick (far better rocker than the nurse who can only growl) the super gorgeous and skinny afro'd black chick and the cute young 16 year old guy David Hernadez, I think?
Danny Noriega has a MASSIVE future as a tranny drag queen in Thailand.
Just you wait.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:58 PM
T.Vo, I now have to figure out ways to work the comment, "Optical Illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?" into daily conversation--it was genius! And, as a nickname for our favorite little Miley Cyrus-resembling drama queen, may I suggest "Hannah MANtana?"
16 of 18 | Posted by discofairy66 | Posted on February 23, 2008 1:42 PM
I'm late here but was on vaca last week. HYSTERICAl recap... love it, thanks for the entertainment!
17 of 18 | Posted by TVCheese | Posted on February 24, 2008 7:42 PM
Hhahaha that was really funny stuff. I love american idol, and i'm on the David Archuletta fan train!
He's really great. On youtube there is a video of him singing a Thousand miles by vanessa carlton, and a video of him singing to Kelly Clarkson and the other 1st idol contestants in like an airport or something 6 years ago.
Can't wait for more recaps!
18 of 18 | Posted by em92992 | Posted on February 25, 2008 4:12 PM