Randy tries to keep it positive, reassuring Yaeger that he can definitely blow (chunks), and to stay focused during simple songs. Paula cops out and explains that she lost her virginity to this song. I mean, performed in her first ballet recital to it. She gushes that she has so much sentimental value attached to this song, to the awwwws of the collective audience (there's gotta be an "Awww" cuecard). Yaeger ups the saccharine factor by informing us that his Grandma taught him this song when he was young and that he dedicates it to her memory. Sorry, Grandma! Simon gags and snarks that he bought his first puppy to that song, after Randy asks him about his first tutu. After ripping on Yaeger for appearing much older and dated than 28, Simon calls him a dependable old dog, a sheepdog in fact, noting that a lot of young people at home will be confused by Yaeger's performance. The judges' commentary devolves into a discussion of how many puppies Simon has raised, and how Randy likes dawgs not dogs.
So far, there isn't anyone with super star potential. Simon sees only sheepdogs and chihuahuas. What we need is a beagle. A magical beagle, like the one that won this year's Westminster Dog Show. Will it be wittle itty bitty David Archuleta?
Speaking of dogs, "Rocker" Robbie Carrico tackles "One" by Harry Nilsson, popularized by Three Dog Night. The title of rocker is dubious given Robbie's past as an ex-boy band member of the group Boyz n Girlz, which opened for Britney in 2000. His grungy, hairy-chested rocker appearance looks as fabricated as his clean-shaven, harmonizing, sweater-wearing days. Gossip magazines also alleged that he dated Britney before she went bonkers. Robbie hastens to emphasize that after getting back from touring with Britney, he wanted switch to rock so badly. Hee. He went from boy bait to this:
It only took me eight years to grow this.
Nothing says rocker like a dirty bandanna, a chain, and dangling ties from an army green outfit. He launches into "One" with a lot of power, trying to amp it up into rock mode, complete with seizure-inducing strobe lights. He's decent and energetic, but then again, he is a professional singer who's done this for a living. He botches a high note in the phrase "Number ONNNEEEEEE" but I still can't get the funeral dirge of "Moon River" out of my head. Overall, the performance worked, and he'll stick around for awhile. I just don't think his voice is super-memorable, but he's commercial.
Randy's all "You move me, baby." Paula calls him authentic, and praises him for his song selection. Simon, surprisingly, says it's the only performance we've seen that "has any semblance of making sense." I thought he liked DoubleChin, though. He calls it current, but expresses his ambivalence over Robbie as Rocker, saying that he isn't quite convinced that the PopTart inside of Robbie is completely gone. I kinda feel that Robbie would switch back to pop in a heartbeat if it meant he'd be signed with a lucrative contract. Ryan compares him to Justin Timberlake and Robbie pees himself a bit.
Seventeen-year-old David Archuleta is this season's Precious Moments Doll. Why he and Colton Berry aren't auditioning for High School Musical or other Disney productions is beyond me. He breaks out into the chorus of "What a Feeling" when he talks about making it to the Top 24 and I'm waiting for a reappearance of jazz hands. He always sounds like he's singing with a stuffy nose, and I wonder if that's just because he's naturally a bit nasally or if he's actually got a cold/allergies. A shot of Siracha hot sauce plus some Altoids should clear that right up. The producers and judges are eating David #3 up with a spoon, and I'm sure Tiger Beat will profile the kid soon. He should really shut up in interviews and sing instead, he's a little too nervous/shy/awkward/giggly and won't be taken seriously if he can't answer things without blushing. He's definitely a charismatic performer and has presence, and is much more comfortable on stage than a lot of the other contestants. David #3 is practically a fetus compared to Michael Johns, but he's holding his own with The Miracles'/Smokey Robinson's "Shop Around." The song sounds a bit low for his vocal range, but he pulls it off, even throwing in a riff that's straight out of the refrain from "Shout." He can belt and smile at the same time. This kid could also definitely peddle Neutrogena products.
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Comments (18)
GREAT RECAP!!!
i really laughed hard!
You are right about that Danny kid-he really comes off annoying and i was dissapointed with his song choice (lol on the comment about his jeans-hehehe). I loved the "Fetus"-so sweet-funny name. and mr. double chin was ok-keep up the good work!
1 of 18 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 21, 2008 11:05 PM
Awesome. Colon looks so much like Ellen it scares me. He needs to leave asap. Great job on the recap. Can't wait to read the next one!
2 of 18 | Posted by bone | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:01 AM
The photo captions were HILARIOUS! Greybishop just had some good ones (for "Lost") too. Did you both take a "Killer Photo Caption" class together? I may never stop laughing at:
"Optical illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?"
3 of 18 | Posted by geewits | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:36 AM
I almost peed my pants - what a GREAT recap and obviously spot on as to who would go -
This screencap was brilliant: Conveniently filling the void left by Heath Ledger. Too soon? Awful and yet hysterical.
Michael Johns was off key the entire second half of the song and yet they dont call him on it - they place him and carly as the last singer of the night. Ringer anyone?
4 of 18 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 6:25 AM
This was a great recap. I haven't seen the first half of the show yet but now I feel like I have. Just one quibble: comparing Danny Noriega to Freddie Mercury is just wrong. Freddie Mercury is a god. Danny Noriega is annoying.
5 of 18 | Posted by LonnaSaur | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:25 AM
Am I the only one that was convinced that Garrett could be the love child of Frodo Baggins and Heather Graham?
6 of 18 | Posted by jennm926 | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:59 AM
Great recap and screen caps.
I pick David A. as the favorite - which means he will kick ass for weeks, then be the surprise loser when everyone votes to save someone else late in the season.
Good point that the seasoned pros look good now, but haven't as much room to improve.
You were wrong about one thing, though - the girls first week performances were even more disappointing than the boys.
Hope it's just the Hollywood squirrel fever that's going around.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:27 AM
Awesome Recap!! OMG -
Most hysterical thing ever:
"Luke Menard is the carpet cleaner of my dreams. No, not really. I mostly lust after carpenters whose wives get pregnant through immaculate conception."
Oh - and the Helen Keller photo-cap was brilliant too!
About Jason Castro - he reminds me of the type of guy that just has to spew some bullshit hippie philosophy about love and sunflowers to get me to sleep with him (which I totally would) only to be like - "hey, the dreads are just part of the act - go home and loose my #"
Yet, he's still my favorite at this point!
I have to make one comment about Danny Noriaga - I have been going out of my mind about who he reminds me of and I finally realized, he looks EXACTLY LIKE Miley Cyrus's identical twin brother! No? They totally have the same face....
8 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:53 AM
Aw, thanks for all the love, you guys and gals! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy especially since it's rainy in LA right now. If only I could make a career out of silly captions...
Helen Keller's my girl. That shirt also looked as though some crafty person ran out of ugly stamps and resorted to decorating it with burnt baked potatoes instead. I actually hadn't seen the girls perform yet when I wrote the recap, and couldn't fathom a worse performance by the time Garret (who does look like the spawn of Frodo & Heather Graham, carmelicious!) stepped up to the plate.
Did anyone notice how much grosser/visible his teen molestache had gotten by last night's results show and his swan song?
9 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:15 PM
...and I apologize for mentioning Freddy Mercury and Danny Noriega in the same paragraph. I can just envision Danny Noriega citing Freddy Mercury as an influence as he flaps around on stage in future performances in ball-smothering vinyl pants.
10 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:19 PM
thanks for the great recap Tvo!!! I'm not a Michael Johns fan either--on vote out group performance, he sounded just awful trying to sing something regular (as opposed to shouted) I also didn't dig Bohemian Rhapsody that much, sounded pitchy and shouted again, but at least he's hot.
I had backstreet and mehnard as my leaving picks . . . if not now, then when!?
I wish Miley was a fun loving sassy queen, and not an attitudy bitchy queen, his little tongue cluck to Simon would have been riotous if he wasn't soooo precious! He seemed okay while singing though, not as affected . . . R the teens girls stupid enough to Sanjaya this one!? I'm thinking not, but alas, wasn't Michael Jackson a young skinny queen once . . . .
Also, Jason Castro . . . . WTF, what is everyone seeing in Tiny Tim that I'm missing . . . . he's soooo not AI--just wait . . . .and he's too John Travolta goofy for me . . . .
and Jennm-you are 100% right!!!!
11 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:21 PM
Jennm, I think I'm a little loopy from two all-nighters and recapping, you're absolutely right about Garrett and I meant to credit you earlier! Carmelicious, you're right about the Miley connection! Maybe I can figure out how to merge their two faces together with Photoshop.
..What day is it again?
-deliriously sleep-deprived T.Vo
12 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:35 PM
awesome recap -- and noriega TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT DUDE FROM PROJECT RUNWAY!!!
fox should hold idol eliminations via means of russian roulette. that would fill the hour wayyyyy better.
rock it, t.vo!
13 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:42 PM
"Fetus David" isn't inexperienced at all. Apparently, homeboy was on and won some Star Search junior singer thing when he was 12, and there are all sorts of videos of him singing for huge crowds and shit [and one of him singing for Kelly Clarkson, apparently].
Normally, this wouldn't annoy me but I'm getting a bit tired of his "Oh, golly gee, you really like me!?" routine when he's basically already had a mini-carrer in singing.
14 of 18 | Posted by GildedLulz | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:52 PM
I just don't have enuf time to itemise the sheer awesomeness (pronounced "ahh-some-ness, a la Bret Michaels) of this recap.
You and CB and - of course - Flip are all so fucking fantastic in your own special take on the majesty that IS. American. Idol.
But I am DEF using the del taco rating for everything from now on.
ANd I love that bit where the guy licks icecream off the baby's head bc (1) it looks like a real baby and (B) he pulls its eyes into slits as he does it -- too funny. I now have to t.vo that show.
Love YOUSE all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do think this is the best damn crew of any season. My top 4 are Michael Johns (Aussie -- woo hoo!) Carly Irish chick (far better rocker than the nurse who can only growl) the super gorgeous and skinny afro'd black chick and the cute young 16 year old guy David Hernadez, I think?
Danny Noriega has a MASSIVE future as a tranny drag queen in Thailand.
Just you wait.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:58 PM
T.Vo, I now have to figure out ways to work the comment, "Optical Illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?" into daily conversation--it was genius! And, as a nickname for our favorite little Miley Cyrus-resembling drama queen, may I suggest "Hannah MANtana?"
16 of 18 | Posted by discofairy66 | Posted on February 23, 2008 1:42 PM
I'm late here but was on vaca last week. HYSTERICAl recap... love it, thanks for the entertainment!
17 of 18 | Posted by TVCheese | Posted on February 24, 2008 7:42 PM
Hhahaha that was really funny stuff. I love american idol, and i'm on the David Archuletta fan train!
He's really great. On youtube there is a video of him singing a Thousand miles by vanessa carlton, and a video of him singing to Kelly Clarkson and the other 1st idol contestants in like an airport or something 6 years ago.
Can't wait for more recaps!
18 of 18 | Posted by em92992 | Posted on February 25, 2008 4:12 PM