I get the feeling that while he's a favorite of the judges right now, Fetus David may be criticized later for being so young and not having as much experience as some of the other Idol wannabes. There may be talk of letting him mature a bit and develop his own personal style, or at least waiting till he's old enough to vote. He's definitely fresh compared to the staleness of Yeager in this round, but it might wear off by the middle of the competition. And then we'll have a huge fight over Experience versus Fresh Change. I listen to his performance several times and notice his voice cracking near the end on the phrase "Make sure that her love is true now." He's not perfect! Delayed pubetry's a bitch.
Tonight, though, the judges can't get enough of Fetus David. Randy praises Jeebus for Archuleta's gift, and rotting somewhere in a jail cell, Lou "Big Poppa" Pearlman salivates over the idea of creating a boy band featuring Fetus David as the lead singer (oh, the pajama parties to be had!). Paula licks her lips in anticipation of deflowering the boy as she calls his song choice bold and brave, and says that she forgets that it'd be statutory rape if she had her way with him. She calls Fetus an old soul and imagines Fetus covered in whipped cream and Valium. Down the line, Simon may tell Fetus it's not enough to be talented and cute, but right now, he declares his performance the best of the evening by a "comfortable mile."
Fetus is a great singer, but a terrible public speaker. He blushes, he stammers, he can't put words together and even Seacrest is a bit embarrassed for him. It's endearing for about five seconds. "You can only vote for him, you actually can't adopt him" jokes Seacrest. "Dude, I'm seventeen!" interjects Fetus. Seacrest also wishes he had such supple, clear skin.
Unemployed Danny Noriega could totally get a job at Urban Outfitters or Sephora. He's here, he's queer, and he's proud! Heyyyyyy. Danny got cut from after the first day of Hollywood week last season, and he's back with a vengeance. Well, he's here to D-A-N-C-E. His eyebrows are fierce, and I keep thinking Christian from Project Runway is going to pop out from the rafters to style his hair and whip up some accessories. His voice, like Fetus, doesn't match with his body and demeanor, but hey, it works. He's got sassistude and does the signature head and shoulders shake while proclaiming his performance of "Jailhouse Rock" is gonna be hott.
The Many Faces of Danny Noriega.
I don't know how Elvis would feel about this performance, but Danny is actually really entertaining compared to some of the fogies before him. Strangely enough, he kind of channels a bit of Freddy Mercury. I'd want to see what he does with "The Great Pretender." Though it may be difficult to understand how his skintight jeans aren't cutting off circulation to his brain (in addition to killing his sperm), Danny looks like he's having a lot of fun. I have to give him credit for having an energetic performance, even if the vocals are technically not solid. Randy and Paula feel the same, that it was a theatrical and fun performance, if not the best display of vocal ability. Paula envies Danny's ability to shimmy in tight pants, proclaiming it "warm, almost scalding." And then she falls off the sober wagon by talking about the colors of his voice as if we're in Pocahontas land and painting with the colors of the wind. "I think there's going to be a lot of colors to Danny," she says. "Let out your colors like a crazy peacock!"
"Purple!" Danny chimes in. Simon takes a moment to recover before declaring the performance grotesque, implying that Danny's performance is dragging AI's reputation into the mud. Too late. Paula slurs that she doesn't care what Simon thinks, that people have seen Danny's vocals. "They hear vocals," Simon interjects. Paula pleads Randy to come rescue her, and Randy just states that Danny was trying to be himself. Danny defends himself saying that he knows grotesque = bad (ooh, big words), while Ryan tries to get back Simon in a corner for having declared Danny talented during auditions but grotesque tonight. But hey, the kid is better than Sanjaya.
The best part of Danny's performance, however, is when he retorts, "Some people weren't liking it!" to Simon with the sassy head-shake and pursed lips. Simon actually grins back. I'm sorry, but the kid annoys me to no end.
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Comments (18)
GREAT RECAP!!!
i really laughed hard!
You are right about that Danny kid-he really comes off annoying and i was dissapointed with his song choice (lol on the comment about his jeans-hehehe). I loved the "Fetus"-so sweet-funny name. and mr. double chin was ok-keep up the good work!
1 of 18 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 21, 2008 11:05 PM
Awesome. Colon looks so much like Ellen it scares me. He needs to leave asap. Great job on the recap. Can't wait to read the next one!
2 of 18 | Posted by bone | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:01 AM
The photo captions were HILARIOUS! Greybishop just had some good ones (for "Lost") too. Did you both take a "Killer Photo Caption" class together? I may never stop laughing at:
"Optical illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?"
3 of 18 | Posted by geewits | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:36 AM
I almost peed my pants - what a GREAT recap and obviously spot on as to who would go -
This screencap was brilliant: Conveniently filling the void left by Heath Ledger. Too soon? Awful and yet hysterical.
Michael Johns was off key the entire second half of the song and yet they dont call him on it - they place him and carly as the last singer of the night. Ringer anyone?
4 of 18 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 6:25 AM
This was a great recap. I haven't seen the first half of the show yet but now I feel like I have. Just one quibble: comparing Danny Noriega to Freddie Mercury is just wrong. Freddie Mercury is a god. Danny Noriega is annoying.
5 of 18 | Posted by LonnaSaur | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:25 AM
Am I the only one that was convinced that Garrett could be the love child of Frodo Baggins and Heather Graham?
6 of 18 | Posted by jennm926 | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:59 AM
Great recap and screen caps.
I pick David A. as the favorite - which means he will kick ass for weeks, then be the surprise loser when everyone votes to save someone else late in the season.
Good point that the seasoned pros look good now, but haven't as much room to improve.
You were wrong about one thing, though - the girls first week performances were even more disappointing than the boys.
Hope it's just the Hollywood squirrel fever that's going around.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:27 AM
Awesome Recap!! OMG -
Most hysterical thing ever:
"Luke Menard is the carpet cleaner of my dreams. No, not really. I mostly lust after carpenters whose wives get pregnant through immaculate conception."
Oh - and the Helen Keller photo-cap was brilliant too!
About Jason Castro - he reminds me of the type of guy that just has to spew some bullshit hippie philosophy about love and sunflowers to get me to sleep with him (which I totally would) only to be like - "hey, the dreads are just part of the act - go home and loose my #"
Yet, he's still my favorite at this point!
I have to make one comment about Danny Noriaga - I have been going out of my mind about who he reminds me of and I finally realized, he looks EXACTLY LIKE Miley Cyrus's identical twin brother! No? They totally have the same face....
8 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:53 AM
Aw, thanks for all the love, you guys and gals! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy especially since it's rainy in LA right now. If only I could make a career out of silly captions...
Helen Keller's my girl. That shirt also looked as though some crafty person ran out of ugly stamps and resorted to decorating it with burnt baked potatoes instead. I actually hadn't seen the girls perform yet when I wrote the recap, and couldn't fathom a worse performance by the time Garret (who does look like the spawn of Frodo & Heather Graham, carmelicious!) stepped up to the plate.
Did anyone notice how much grosser/visible his teen molestache had gotten by last night's results show and his swan song?
9 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:15 PM
...and I apologize for mentioning Freddy Mercury and Danny Noriega in the same paragraph. I can just envision Danny Noriega citing Freddy Mercury as an influence as he flaps around on stage in future performances in ball-smothering vinyl pants.
10 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:19 PM
thanks for the great recap Tvo!!! I'm not a Michael Johns fan either--on vote out group performance, he sounded just awful trying to sing something regular (as opposed to shouted) I also didn't dig Bohemian Rhapsody that much, sounded pitchy and shouted again, but at least he's hot.
I had backstreet and mehnard as my leaving picks . . . if not now, then when!?
I wish Miley was a fun loving sassy queen, and not an attitudy bitchy queen, his little tongue cluck to Simon would have been riotous if he wasn't soooo precious! He seemed okay while singing though, not as affected . . . R the teens girls stupid enough to Sanjaya this one!? I'm thinking not, but alas, wasn't Michael Jackson a young skinny queen once . . . .
Also, Jason Castro . . . . WTF, what is everyone seeing in Tiny Tim that I'm missing . . . . he's soooo not AI--just wait . . . .and he's too John Travolta goofy for me . . . .
and Jennm-you are 100% right!!!!
11 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:21 PM
Jennm, I think I'm a little loopy from two all-nighters and recapping, you're absolutely right about Garrett and I meant to credit you earlier! Carmelicious, you're right about the Miley connection! Maybe I can figure out how to merge their two faces together with Photoshop.
..What day is it again?
-deliriously sleep-deprived T.Vo
12 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:35 PM
awesome recap -- and noriega TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT DUDE FROM PROJECT RUNWAY!!!
fox should hold idol eliminations via means of russian roulette. that would fill the hour wayyyyy better.
rock it, t.vo!
13 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:42 PM
"Fetus David" isn't inexperienced at all. Apparently, homeboy was on and won some Star Search junior singer thing when he was 12, and there are all sorts of videos of him singing for huge crowds and shit [and one of him singing for Kelly Clarkson, apparently].
Normally, this wouldn't annoy me but I'm getting a bit tired of his "Oh, golly gee, you really like me!?" routine when he's basically already had a mini-carrer in singing.
14 of 18 | Posted by GildedLulz | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:52 PM
I just don't have enuf time to itemise the sheer awesomeness (pronounced "ahh-some-ness, a la Bret Michaels) of this recap.
You and CB and - of course - Flip are all so fucking fantastic in your own special take on the majesty that IS. American. Idol.
But I am DEF using the del taco rating for everything from now on.
ANd I love that bit where the guy licks icecream off the baby's head bc (1) it looks like a real baby and (B) he pulls its eyes into slits as he does it -- too funny. I now have to t.vo that show.
Love YOUSE all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do think this is the best damn crew of any season. My top 4 are Michael Johns (Aussie -- woo hoo!) Carly Irish chick (far better rocker than the nurse who can only growl) the super gorgeous and skinny afro'd black chick and the cute young 16 year old guy David Hernadez, I think?
Danny Noriega has a MASSIVE future as a tranny drag queen in Thailand.
Just you wait.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:58 PM
T.Vo, I now have to figure out ways to work the comment, "Optical Illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?" into daily conversation--it was genius! And, as a nickname for our favorite little Miley Cyrus-resembling drama queen, may I suggest "Hannah MANtana?"
16 of 18 | Posted by discofairy66 | Posted on February 23, 2008 1:42 PM
I'm late here but was on vaca last week. HYSTERICAl recap... love it, thanks for the entertainment!
17 of 18 | Posted by TVCheese | Posted on February 24, 2008 7:42 PM
Hhahaha that was really funny stuff. I love american idol, and i'm on the David Archuletta fan train!
He's really great. On youtube there is a video of him singing a Thousand miles by vanessa carlton, and a video of him singing to Kelly Clarkson and the other 1st idol contestants in like an airport or something 6 years ago.
Can't wait for more recaps!
18 of 18 | Posted by em92992 | Posted on February 25, 2008 4:12 PM