Luke Menard is the carpet cleaner of my dreams. No, not really. I mostly lust after carpenters whose wives get pregnant through immaculate conception. He also auditioned for Season 6 where both Randy and Simon shot him down. The rejection motivated him to go home and clean the shit out of carpets everywhere.
How does it feel when your wife picks you up and twirls you around like a little girl?
He got virtually no airtime before this, so he needs a memorable performance. Judging from his nondescript hoodie and outfit, I'm going to say he's going to be eliminated on Thursday. He can't even get into a sit-down restaurant dressed like that, let alone the Top 12. He looks like he's about to skateboard down to Ralphs and pick up some tampons for his wife. Luke graces us with a soft-spoken, airy, hardly audible version of "Everybody's Talkin," made famous by the awesome Harry Nilsson. It doesn't help that he's slowed down the song and put it on downers, removing any chances of it being upbeat. Seriously. He's turned it into supermarket/elevator/easy listening music, which makes me incredibly sad. Only it's out of tune and he can't hit his notes. I want to take a nap and pretend this didn't happen.
But since that's impossible, I'll tell you what this song does remind me of. The chord structure, especially the opening bars, are totally ripped off by Paul Oakenfold's "Starry-Eyed Surprise." I'm not shitting you. Play the original by Nilsson and the Oakenfold at the same time, noting that Nilsson's version is faster and upbeat. I'd make a mash-up of the two, but it'd probably make Nilsson come back from the dead and kill me for desecrating his tune. Also, I hate Crazytown more than I hate Windows Vista. Play THIS and THAT at the same time.
Luke Menard has kind of doomed himself with an extremely beige performance notable only for his difficulty in changing keys and his inability to stay in tune. Beige is a bad color, people. He's the equivalent of the chicken broth you sip after puking everything up the night before, in that there's nothing solid or unique about his presence. He's not horrific but he's easily relegated to the background. He puts the meh in Meh-nard.
Randy is not happy with the lackluster arrangement, and pulls out the P word (pitchiness!). Paula agrees that it's not a good song choice for, and wishes he'd chosen something that would've showcased the Kenny Loggins-esque tenderness she's heard from Luke before. Simon says it was forgettable, and deletes Meh-nard from his mind. Meh. Dude, that's what you get for wearing a free t-shirt and a hoodie on this show, while Chikezie pulls out a pimp suit the color of bloody Velveeta. Meh-nard gently disagrees with the judges, but they're all pretty much in consensus. He needs a witty comeback or some sass to win over viewers. Simon's replies, "No one wants to admit that they're forgettable." True that.
They're from Dream Phone: The Unstable Ex-Boyfriend edition.
Colton Berry is the albino spawn of Ellen DeGeneres and Macauley Culkin, with Rosie O'Donnell's love of theater and musicals. Oh, and he sings Teletubbies theme songs in his head when he's nervous. That's just great. Simon vetoed him in favor of Kyle, the a capella/glee club future politician, who would've been pretty entertaining tonight. Colton's rendition of "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis starts out upbeat and bouncy, with a lot of energy and grinning. His voice is a bit throaty/raspy at the beginning, but settles down after several measures.
He's much more dynamic than Meh-nard, but I feel like we're at Chuck E. Cheese doing karaoke. There's no real star power behind his presence, and his voice isn't distinct or compelling. He's good, but he doesn't have what that other reality show called "The X Factor." But people shell out for Hannah Montana and High School Musical, so maybe I'm in the minority. I cannot forgive him for the stupid suspenders dangling from his pants or the pubes he's neglected to shave from his face. As the song winds down, we abruptly shift into a slower R&B-styled bridge, which gives the kid a chance to croon some longer phrases. And then we're back to happy! And fast! And Disney! At the very least, he could play one of the winged monkeys in Wicked. Or hop onto the cast of Cats. Is that too mean? He's just not right for this show, and needs to be eliminated FAST.
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Comments (18)
GREAT RECAP!!!
i really laughed hard!
You are right about that Danny kid-he really comes off annoying and i was dissapointed with his song choice (lol on the comment about his jeans-hehehe). I loved the "Fetus"-so sweet-funny name. and mr. double chin was ok-keep up the good work!
1 of 18 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 21, 2008 11:05 PM
Awesome. Colon looks so much like Ellen it scares me. He needs to leave asap. Great job on the recap. Can't wait to read the next one!
2 of 18 | Posted by bone | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:01 AM
The photo captions were HILARIOUS! Greybishop just had some good ones (for "Lost") too. Did you both take a "Killer Photo Caption" class together? I may never stop laughing at:
"Optical illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?"
3 of 18 | Posted by geewits | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:36 AM
I almost peed my pants - what a GREAT recap and obviously spot on as to who would go -
This screencap was brilliant: Conveniently filling the void left by Heath Ledger. Too soon? Awful and yet hysterical.
Michael Johns was off key the entire second half of the song and yet they dont call him on it - they place him and carly as the last singer of the night. Ringer anyone?
4 of 18 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 6:25 AM
This was a great recap. I haven't seen the first half of the show yet but now I feel like I have. Just one quibble: comparing Danny Noriega to Freddie Mercury is just wrong. Freddie Mercury is a god. Danny Noriega is annoying.
5 of 18 | Posted by LonnaSaur | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:25 AM
Am I the only one that was convinced that Garrett could be the love child of Frodo Baggins and Heather Graham?
6 of 18 | Posted by jennm926 | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:59 AM
Great recap and screen caps.
I pick David A. as the favorite - which means he will kick ass for weeks, then be the surprise loser when everyone votes to save someone else late in the season.
Good point that the seasoned pros look good now, but haven't as much room to improve.
You were wrong about one thing, though - the girls first week performances were even more disappointing than the boys.
Hope it's just the Hollywood squirrel fever that's going around.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:27 AM
Awesome Recap!! OMG -
Most hysterical thing ever:
"Luke Menard is the carpet cleaner of my dreams. No, not really. I mostly lust after carpenters whose wives get pregnant through immaculate conception."
Oh - and the Helen Keller photo-cap was brilliant too!
About Jason Castro - he reminds me of the type of guy that just has to spew some bullshit hippie philosophy about love and sunflowers to get me to sleep with him (which I totally would) only to be like - "hey, the dreads are just part of the act - go home and loose my #"
Yet, he's still my favorite at this point!
I have to make one comment about Danny Noriaga - I have been going out of my mind about who he reminds me of and I finally realized, he looks EXACTLY LIKE Miley Cyrus's identical twin brother! No? They totally have the same face....
8 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:53 AM
Aw, thanks for all the love, you guys and gals! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy especially since it's rainy in LA right now. If only I could make a career out of silly captions...
Helen Keller's my girl. That shirt also looked as though some crafty person ran out of ugly stamps and resorted to decorating it with burnt baked potatoes instead. I actually hadn't seen the girls perform yet when I wrote the recap, and couldn't fathom a worse performance by the time Garret (who does look like the spawn of Frodo & Heather Graham, carmelicious!) stepped up to the plate.
Did anyone notice how much grosser/visible his teen molestache had gotten by last night's results show and his swan song?
9 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:15 PM
...and I apologize for mentioning Freddy Mercury and Danny Noriega in the same paragraph. I can just envision Danny Noriega citing Freddy Mercury as an influence as he flaps around on stage in future performances in ball-smothering vinyl pants.
10 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:19 PM
thanks for the great recap Tvo!!! I'm not a Michael Johns fan either--on vote out group performance, he sounded just awful trying to sing something regular (as opposed to shouted) I also didn't dig Bohemian Rhapsody that much, sounded pitchy and shouted again, but at least he's hot.
I had backstreet and mehnard as my leaving picks . . . if not now, then when!?
I wish Miley was a fun loving sassy queen, and not an attitudy bitchy queen, his little tongue cluck to Simon would have been riotous if he wasn't soooo precious! He seemed okay while singing though, not as affected . . . R the teens girls stupid enough to Sanjaya this one!? I'm thinking not, but alas, wasn't Michael Jackson a young skinny queen once . . . .
Also, Jason Castro . . . . WTF, what is everyone seeing in Tiny Tim that I'm missing . . . . he's soooo not AI--just wait . . . .and he's too John Travolta goofy for me . . . .
and Jennm-you are 100% right!!!!
11 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 2:21 PM
Jennm, I think I'm a little loopy from two all-nighters and recapping, you're absolutely right about Garrett and I meant to credit you earlier! Carmelicious, you're right about the Miley connection! Maybe I can figure out how to merge their two faces together with Photoshop.
..What day is it again?
-deliriously sleep-deprived T.Vo
12 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:35 PM
awesome recap -- and noriega TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT DUDE FROM PROJECT RUNWAY!!!
fox should hold idol eliminations via means of russian roulette. that would fill the hour wayyyyy better.
rock it, t.vo!
13 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:42 PM
"Fetus David" isn't inexperienced at all. Apparently, homeboy was on and won some Star Search junior singer thing when he was 12, and there are all sorts of videos of him singing for huge crowds and shit [and one of him singing for Kelly Clarkson, apparently].
Normally, this wouldn't annoy me but I'm getting a bit tired of his "Oh, golly gee, you really like me!?" routine when he's basically already had a mini-carrer in singing.
14 of 18 | Posted by GildedLulz | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:52 PM
I just don't have enuf time to itemise the sheer awesomeness (pronounced "ahh-some-ness, a la Bret Michaels) of this recap.
You and CB and - of course - Flip are all so fucking fantastic in your own special take on the majesty that IS. American. Idol.
But I am DEF using the del taco rating for everything from now on.
ANd I love that bit where the guy licks icecream off the baby's head bc (1) it looks like a real baby and (B) he pulls its eyes into slits as he does it -- too funny. I now have to t.vo that show.
Love YOUSE all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do think this is the best damn crew of any season. My top 4 are Michael Johns (Aussie -- woo hoo!) Carly Irish chick (far better rocker than the nurse who can only growl) the super gorgeous and skinny afro'd black chick and the cute young 16 year old guy David Hernadez, I think?
Danny Noriega has a MASSIVE future as a tranny drag queen in Thailand.
Just you wait.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:58 PM
T.Vo, I now have to figure out ways to work the comment, "Optical Illusion, or ironed by Helen Keller?" into daily conversation--it was genius! And, as a nickname for our favorite little Miley Cyrus-resembling drama queen, may I suggest "Hannah MANtana?"
16 of 18 | Posted by discofairy66 | Posted on February 23, 2008 1:42 PM
I'm late here but was on vaca last week. HYSTERICAl recap... love it, thanks for the entertainment!
17 of 18 | Posted by TVCheese | Posted on February 24, 2008 7:42 PM
Hhahaha that was really funny stuff. I love american idol, and i'm on the David Archuletta fan train!
He's really great. On youtube there is a video of him singing a Thousand miles by vanessa carlton, and a video of him singing to Kelly Clarkson and the other 1st idol contestants in like an airport or something 6 years ago.
Can't wait for more recaps!
18 of 18 | Posted by em92992 | Posted on February 25, 2008 4:12 PM