Listen, if you're like me, then you're drunk on Ryan, Paula, Simon, Dawg and the other hacks that make up this show. But that's okay. After all, American Idol surpasses the title as "just another TV show." This is, like, baseball. Apple pie. Undeclared war. Idol is one of the many vital threads that make up fabric of America, and it's my job to remind you that its results show is just as important as its preceding episode. See that? That's buying time. Dim the lights, put up the music -- you're NOT going to believe this shit!
FLASHBACK!!!!
Ryan Douchecrest reminds us for the 95th time at program start that the 2nd ever Idol songwriting competition is approaching deadline, so all you wannabe Bacharachs better get your shit done ASAP or else your dreams of submitting your artistic and royalty rights to FOX will disappear faster than pills in Paula's hands. That is not a joke.
"Debbie, I need my milk crate."
Douchecrest also tries to convince us that last year's finale song -- "This Is My Now," chosen from the same competition -- sold an entire 100,000 copies when put on Jordin Sparks' debut album. Tout that gold certification! YAY FOR DYING MUSIC INDUSTRY!!!
"THIS IS MY PITCHYYY DAWWWWGGGG!!!!"
Moving on --
So the theme this week was "SONGS FROM WHEN I WAS BORN." How lackluster! I was banking on these vocalists choosing some beastly good songs, but they didn't. I was hoping that Archuleta would have picked Sinead O'Connors "Nothing Compares 2 U" because he's such a pussy, or that Michael Johns would have picked Beethoven's 3rd Symphony, but absolutely no one picked a song that I cared for or even knew, save for Cook's rendition of Cornell's rendition of Michael Jackson's rendition of Quincy Jones' "Billy Jean". OH, I WENT THERE.
There is no way of putting this segue lightly: And now, another fucking results-episode medley.
Because FOX is so wit-nasty, they had the kids sing Maxine Nightingale's "Right Back Where We Started From" exactly how it was arranged, except for the fact that it blew more balls than Mr. Bucket.
And, you're not going to believe this, but I've retained my amazing awesomeness and ability to read the minds of Idol contestants during this tremendously tortuous segment.
"OMG I didn't leave an away message!!! >_<"
Ever wonder who directs this segment? I do, quite often, when I'm knee-deep in regret for religiously watching every moment of this franchise. I'm convinced it's the same person who concocted this gem of choreography:
Genius. Anyway, I'm overstaying my welcome, so I better hack the rest of this recap out or else I'll be deemed more time consuming than Douchecrest's radio show --
"I left the door unlocked."
Every time Kristy Lee Cook's mug comes on my screen, I get the same sensation that I have whenever I see Lisa Rinna: "How'd you get there? And why do you never go away?"
"...I don't know. But I'm proud to be an American. DID YOU HEAR THAT? I'M A FUCKING PATRIOT. THAT'S RIGHT, A FUCKING PATRIOT. I WON THIS WEEK LIKE KARL ROVE WON 2004 -- BY PLAYING ON YOUR WEAK AND PATHETIC FEARS AS A COLLECTIVE NATION. I AM THE ARCHITECT. I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING ARCHITECT!!!!!!"
She's sort of like AIDS. No matter what you do, she won't go away. Ever. Cough!
By the end of the song, the kids + Michael Johns look as awkward as Eliot Spitzer at Victoria's Secret, and while this is mildly entertaining, it shan't take up anymore of your time. I know you're reading this at work, and you're totally behind on your shit, so let's roll this joint.
After another Apple iTunes plug sponsored by FOX sponsored by Coca Cola sponsored by Ford sponsored by Arthur Jensen, Douchecrest tells us how the kids + Michael Johns record their full-length song versions of the respective week's theme. Field trip to the studio!
There isn't enough AutoTune in the world, man, so stop trying.
I swear to god I'm not making this up: The guy pictured above, during a recording session with Brooke, said, "You sound great, just great, Brooke -- just remember to watch your pitch."
...WTF!?!?
BandAid, everyone.
Archuleta, in studio interview, says he likes covering one ear with his monitor, and leaving the other ear naked to the room, all for acoustic reasons. But we all know he just wants to look like Sting in the "Feed the World" video.
Sting Archuleta
Obviously, more filler, and more plugging for iTunes. Syesha's all, like, "Yeah, if I don't know a song, I PURCHASE it on ITUNES." Oh, contracts.
« That's Amore!: Yager-Bombed | | Top Chef: There Goes the Neighborhood »
Comments (10)
Kristy Lee wasn't in the bottom three this week -- Jason was.
1 of 10 | Posted by murphena | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sad Chikezie left, I almost shed a tear too. He's gone, but boring Kristy, Ramielle, and Jason are still there WTF?
At least Chikezie kept this interesting, practically everyone else does safe performances except David Cook. America WTF?
2 of 10 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:20 PM
Love your biting tone, Hugostop!!!
This year is impossible to predict . . . who is voting for Ramiele . . . she's soooo boring . . . and how in hell did Syesha end up in bottom 2--it makes no sense!!!!
It was ridonk that Fetus, being the one person on the show able to crack the 90's goes with that song . . . okay, I just searched beloved and plugged Itunes for the 1990 top (they only had 72 of the top 100) and besides "nothing compares to you", he could have done "Love will lead you back" taylor dayne--"Close to you" Maxi Priest (my personal fave for him) "Here and Now" by Luther--and right up his PC alley "Praying for Time" by George Michael--a great song IMHO! I'm sure all those peeps would have been happy to have him breathe new life into their forgotten tunes . . . and make a little dough of potential downloads . . .
And hey, guess I'm one of those songwriting suckers--My song is soooo not going to be picked, but I love it and can't help myself . . . Fetus might like it in his "Imagine" "Another Day in Paradise" PC way . . .
3 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 28, 2008 2:11 PM
Even though murphena already pointed it out, Kristy Lee was NOT in the bottom three, nor do I think she deserved to be there in the first place. She was much better this week, and will probably be going home soon anyways...
And as far as Kimberley Locke singing her new single, "Fall" is a country song by Clay Walker. It was a new single for him last year. Perhaps she is covering it on her album though.
4 of 10 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on March 28, 2008 6:13 PM
I just can't let the Lisa Rinna comment go because . . . I am TOTALLY THERE with you!!! Please make her go away!! Great recap!
5 of 10 | Posted by kdfinjpn | Posted on March 29, 2008 12:45 AM
funny recap....i think Kristy's been in the bottom 3 so much that she's just sort of expected to be there. Unfortunately, she was smart enough to choose a song to sing about her patriotism, and I'm sure the red states went wild with their nonstop votes for her. Whatev. Please take her and her weird bug-eye-thing-when-she-sings off my TV.
6 of 10 | Posted by serjen | Posted on March 29, 2008 5:42 AM
i could not STAND chikezie.. omg.. sooo full of himself.. soo arrogant and cocky.. i couldnt stand his personality.. he was a decent singer but not nearly as amazing as he thought he was.. he always had a smart remark that made him look like even more of an ass
so i was thrilled to see him go, couldnt stand him since the minute i saw him in the top 24
not to mention that he is 22 and looks 45
7 of 10 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on March 29, 2008 10:03 AM
I really liked Chikezie - including this week's song - and thought he went home before he deserved to. His arrogance was part of that.
Talent and performance are only two of the reasons people get votes. If it were really a talent (or singing) competition, "America" wouldn't get to decide.
If AI really wanted to know who would make them the most money, they could just charge to download the songs each week - and use that tally as the basis for who is eliminated.
8 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 30, 2008 9:43 PM
Great recap! Chikeze need only look in the mirror when he wonders why he's off the show so early. He just HAD to "follow his heart" and do another generic, boring, tired R&B ballad that sounded like any of hundreds of singers could have sung it. Well instead of following his heart he should have followed Simon's advice. He was never going to come close to winning this thing, but manic-James Brown Chikeze could have stuck around another 2-3 weeks.
BTW, Lisa Rinna will never go away because by now most of her parts are non-biodegradeable.
9 of 10 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on March 31, 2008 6:55 AM
Good one JasonR! I don't care if she biodegrades or not, there's a landfill w her name on it!!!! If they stick her down by her lips she wont be going anywhere . . .
Just Jessie, thanks for reminding me about Kimberly--I'm so happy AI is using the show as a promotional vehicle for the idols, winners and not, I would love to see Kimberly do better with her career--she's very vesatile and the album with " world wonder" had a bunch of good songs. I plan on supporting her more too! Go Kimberly!
10 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 31, 2008 12:23 PM