The judges react to Mariah Carey's lesser known hit "Ken Lee"
Now that's it's down to 7 mostly blah contestants, we're losing some steam here on American Idol. Seabreath walks past a somber lineup of the leftover contestants like they're labor camp prisoners waiting for their daily ration of bread and lashings. It's better than what Fetus is used to, though. Also, FOX has gone green, which means they're going to recycle all their eliminated contestants and compost them (run, Ramiele) with a pile of baby pandas donated by NBC and GE!
Seabreath gushes that they got in nearly 36 million votes and Mariah Carey's hypnotic performance skills are here tonight. Oh, and Elliott Yamin is back. Seabreath's over the whole fans calling in thing, though, and apathetically introduces the judges. Let's see what Paula has whipped up this week. It's a scarf-bolo tie-choker-flower planter-in-one!
Pull my finger and my neck will sprout a fucking garden.
So the group sing? It's "One Sweet Day", the epic duet between Mariah and Boyz II Men. And of course, we open with solos featuring Castro and Kristy Lee, two of the weakest singers when it comes to this genre. Awesome. My ears, they are bleeding. Castro I can sort of forgive, but Kristy's warbling is flat and sharp at the same time. And the girl can't help but lunge. When talent fails you, there is always prostitution.
Boob shirt? Check. Ginormous FOX belt buckle? Double Check.
(I know it's just the FOX logo superimposed on top of Kristy's crotch area, guys. But still. Smart move.)
Also, have you seen the video of Kristy riding her horse bareback before she sold him? She's pretty good. Someone shouldn't have given up her equestrian dreams.
Flipit e-mails me as I am recapping this just to say, and I quote, "OMG that opening number was the most painful EVER." Concurred. Have I mentioned the devotional/spiritual hand choreography, the funeral dirge-like tempo, and lyrics involving laying down to sleep, never to get up again?
Jesus put a rainbow in my hearrrrrrrrt!
It's also a perfect Fetus song, because it involves Heaven, Angels, the Lord, and possibly poor people. Woot. Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the door - oh, and here's the guy who co-wrote last year's Idol finale song, "This is My Now" (Click if you want the mp3 of Jordin Sparks' version).
But I really see myself as a rock songwriter, like Matchbox Twenty.
Of course, before we get to elimination time, we have to rehash what happened last night in agonizingly slow flashbacks. Mariah Carey Bootcamp involves the diva giving constructive criticism and suggestions on melody, riffs, and choreography. Oh, and what color socks to wear, because Mariah is always right. Once you're through with Mariah Bootcamp, you're ready for the whole world to critique you. Wait, isn't that the whole purpose of AI?
Fetus: Managed to sing the one song about miracles that is also tied to a Christian full-length animated film, The Prince of Egypt.. Wore leather pants strangely reminiscent of the black dresses Mariah and Whitney wore on the cover of the single. Is the bomb dot com, as usual
Carly: Sang a fave from the Vietnamese karaoke bar songbook, "Without You."
Brooke:
HAMBURGLAR'ED.
Kristy Lee: Shiny, yet lackluster.
Syesha: Has pipes and impressive hair, but will return to commercial acting.
Castro: Doesn't wanna cry, but rocks the hippie beach luau anyway. Mmm, roast piggy!
Seabreath: Rips the "Simon for President" poster in half because FOX supports McCain.
David Cook: Made Randy stand up for the first time this with his performance. He should get his own talk show because he's totally okay with crying on tv.
Mariah wants everybody to win in some way. Well, Kristy can win herself a baseball cap. Randy hulas, mentions Simon's grass skirt, which Seabreath admits to seeing already. Backstage, the contestants wait anxiously for the show to be over so they can pee already. Kristy Lee is the only one sitting down, practicing to settle herself into a rejection seat. Surprise, this is the week where they divide the contestants into two groups and make the last person guess who the losers are!
Castro is sent out first, and mumbles that he really likes the beach but hasn't to been one lately. He's ushered to Seabreath's left to stand.
David Cook is brought out next in a shiny embossed shirt, to the squeals of the audience. His "Always Be My Baby" was hard to sing because he doesn't have a girlfriend. He's sent to the invisible group to Castro's right. He's totes safe, though.
« Paradise Hotel: Yahtzee! Game on!! | Main | Hell's Kitchen: Good Riddance, You Corpulant Redneck Boob »
Comments (18)
this was sick and demented and i loved every moment of it, down to the burning-guy-sitting-down/duck-duck goose joke.
t.vo/obama
-hugostop (treasurer)
1 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on April 18, 2008 1:57 AM
Dear T.Vo.,
I am sorry but I don't understand what you said...
"nor do I have a TiVo"
Please explain yourself....you mean you at least have a DVR right? right? Please say it is so...the thought of anyone watching LIVE tv causes me to feel a panic attack coming on.
2 of 18 | Posted by eellsinoc | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:04 AM
No Tivo or equivalent? You watch this live? Then this is an even more impressive recap than usual!
Re: Brooke. Did you see the video about the making of that Ford commercial? (it's on the AI Fox site, I think). When she says, "We are supposed to be marionettes, which is a big word for puppets", she earned my antipathy -- before that. It's like she is the nanny and we are the 4 year olds learning a new word. Or, maybe, she just learned the word herself?
I actually loved Kristy singing directly to Simon during her singout. I wasn't a fan of hers, couldn't forgive her for the manipulative song choice a few weeks ago, but I thought that showed a strong personality with a sense of humor and irony we hadn't seen before. So now I like her.
3 of 18 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:36 AM
eelsinoc and rjfrankel:
The rumors are true -- although T.Vo is my name (it actually is, although I like to preserve a teeny bit of my mystique and not give away my first name), I do not have a TiVo or a DVR nor do I ever employ them when recapping.
I watch the show LIVE. EVERY WEEK. With full commercials and everything. I can't fast forward through anything, or beam myself to the near-distant future where I can make a clone of myself who can get the screencaps while I write up the recap. I type really fast (carpal tunnel and me = BFF), so I manage to get down my live thoughts as the show goes on, and note what scenes will make for funny photos while sitting with my laptop in front of a TV that is definitely going to stop working on February 17, 2009, when everyone goes digital. During commercials, I do hand exercises to stop the wrist pain and also jot down more thoughts.
Then, while re-watching and pausing the episode in a totally legal manner, I note the subtle stuff I missed in the live watching/recapping, get the screenshots I want, caption them, and revise it all to make some sense.
And then I go churn some butter and raise a barn or two. All in a day's work, you know?
Love!
4 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 18, 2008 10:04 AM
I re-watch and pause the episode in a totally legal manner on my laptop, not a TV, btw.
...and I don't actually own a TV, other than a dinky 5 inch version that my parents presented with me when I moved into my first apartment post-college in 2006, the type that's supposed to be mounted underneath your kitchen cupboards to watch while washing dishes (in 1998 or something). I balanced it on an Ikea table and sat on the floor to watch it.
So when I watched the first season of "Heroes" it was on a screen the size of two index cards next to each other. Now I rely on my roomie's TV or the boyfriend's roomie's TV. Perhaps I should start up a charity fund?
5 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 18, 2008 10:14 AM
Sounds like some of the proceeds from Idol Gives Back should come directly to your electronics advancement fund, T.Vo!
6 of 18 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 18, 2008 11:25 AM
You TVgasm artists should be paid - maybe with a little button we can click to acknowledge how much we enjoyed your work - so the best writers would make the most.
No way Kristy Lee will get that horse back - not for the amount the buyer paid her, anyway.
While I still think the average talent is better this season (no Sanjaya, for example), there does not seem to be any one huge talent that blows me away week after week.
The viewer questions gimmick is really lame.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 18, 2008 12:21 PM
lame!?!? no way, it's the best gimmick ever!!! i'm totally submitting a question.
8 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on April 18, 2008 1:27 PM
Color me duelly impressed Tvo!!! Excellent and speedy recap, and how you give for your art!!! Now I needs to see some Flipit interview! Thanks for the link!
Personally, I thought Carly was obnox on the show, the beconing to the safe side, and "Simon, I think you've been a bit hard on me" as if she's all that and hasn't been scraping the bottom . . . Anyone still a fan? I'm okay with Brooke going . . . keep boning it girl, and it shall be done!
9 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 18, 2008 5:17 PM
Wait a minute, was Flip it the bartender!? And where was Simon . . . . trickery, I say . . .
10 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 18, 2008 5:32 PM
juddfan --
You don't like getting rickrolled? Check out some of the other links, they're actually not all identical. Sadly, the linking took longer than some of my screencaps, haha. You're the best!
11 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 18, 2008 7:26 PM
Can someone, anyone make Brooke go AWAY??? I am willing to pay.........
12 of 18 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:05 PM
Can someone, anyone make Brooke go AWAY?? I am willing to pay........
13 of 18 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:07 PM
Did ecthelion just order a hit?
14 of 18 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on April 19, 2008 8:13 AM
KEN LEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I love that video in so many ways.
The subtitles make it 10x better.
Anyways, I can't believe I'm saying this, I REALLY can't, but I honestly don't think Kristy deserved to go home. I totally thought she wasn't even in the bottom three. Maybe I'm just crazy [and totally biased against Brooke], but I hated her song more than usual.
15 of 18 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on April 19, 2008 12:46 PM
Not quite DP but ask me again next week, I may change my mind if she makes it through again, lol
16 of 18 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on April 19, 2008 6:56 PM
Gah I've been Rickrolled!
17 of 18 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on April 20, 2008 8:40 PM
This recap was completely ruined for me by this statement:
Syesha The Horsey Hair
You know what's really old, unoriginal, and racist? Comparing black people's hair to unfavorable things, like sheep's wool, brillo pads, and yes, horse hair. Thanks T. Vo. Really thoughtless, really disappointing.
18 of 18 | Posted by Rock Star | Posted on April 23, 2008 7:17 AM