Moving on, Mariah Carey! Where is T-Pain and her backup dancers? I am going to amuse myself by counting the number of cutouts she has on her teeny black dress. It's the kind of outfit guys wish their girlfriends would wear, but the sort of thing you can only find at stores with names like Forplay and Bad Behavior, and I'm afraid the top will just tear away from the skirt. There are two wee triangles of flesh peeking out from the sides of her boobs, and it appears to be backless as well. Fortunately, half of Behavior. America is eagerly anticipating the dress's destruction.
After the SNL performance that cured my insomnia, I wasn't sure it could get more snoozeworthy. I stand corrected. To the crooning of "Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye" I nodded off like I was a baby again and woke up after Mariah's performance. I think there was a riff of two in there, and one of her backup singers blew a gasket singing into the whistle/tea kettle range on the harmony. EEEEEEEE.
No applause necessary.
Also, her mic and mic stand were covered in diamondite/Swarovski/super shiny glittery things to match her (real) diamond bracelet. I wonder if it's worth more than the Victoria's Secret diamond-studded bra and panties. Well, I can't fast-forward my TV, nor do I have a TiVo (ironic, considering my name, yes), so all I can do is mute the TV and pray it ends soon.
So all the insinuating that Randy's been responsible for a lot of Mariah's success is true. He's known her since she was a teen, and has been the musical director for a bunch of her tours. Also, it's kind of creepy that Randy Jackson is old enough to be my dad, but hey, he's played for Journey on an album.
Ryan doesn't know what to do with himself.
"Take a picture of us before she walks away from me!"
So Fetus has been kept backstage for nearly the entire episode, brought out to sit on the couch during Elliott and then Mariah's performance, and sent back again so they can use him to finish their whole choreographed switcheroo Bottom 3 magical mystery. Poor kid, it's like being shuffled between your broke, neglectful dad who has nothing to offer you than some Cheetos and a plasma screen TV, and your mom, who has a comfy couch and the entire collection of Harry Potter books but forces you to sing for every neighbor she invites over (that's everyone in the neighborhood within a 15-mile radius)
Our miracle baby is invited to the stage by Ryan, and he walks out resignedly. Fetus looks miserable. He does not appear to like his Zac Efron-approved leather jacket, but honey, that's what you have to wear when you're starring in High School Musical 5!
I've never been happier in my life.
Ryan puts a hand on his shoulder and asks him for a handie, and then announces that the Fetus is safe from being aborted! Also, did Fetus' dad get reported to Child Protective Services?
The Boxcar Children Mystery #359: Where Did Daddy Go?
One group is safe. The other has herpes, the clap, gonorrhea, and eczema. Brooke is dying. Fetus is asked to join the group that he thinks is safe. Otherwise, his puppy will be put in a blender by Nigel Lythgoe.
Ryan switches things up with a line he's been itching to say all night. "We've got too many Cooks in the kitchen. David, why don't you switch with Syesha?" It's suddenly turned into an episode of Deal or No Deal meets Sophie's Choice.
Fetus, overcome by stress, poops his pants from the Activia yogurt he's been eating all day and sits down Indian-style on the floor in imitation of all the poor children from third world countries he's seen on Christian Children Hunger Networks commercials.
"Got a match? I want to light myself on fire like those monks. For the poor people, who have nothing!"
So you have Syesha and the Dunder Twins of Brooke and Kristy Lee on one side knowing they're the bottom three, while David, a relieved Carly, and Castro urge Fetus over to their side (which is close to the safety couches, duh). Seacrest starts walking backwards like he's coaxing an infant, as Fetus says he just wants to stay put. But as Ryan goes closer towards the safe group, Fetus scoots on his tush towards David Cook, who gets down on the floor next to Fetus as a sign of solidary. For Tibet, you know.
"This is nothing like Mormon Scouts."
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Comments (18)
this was sick and demented and i loved every moment of it, down to the burning-guy-sitting-down/duck-duck goose joke.
t.vo/obama
-hugostop (treasurer)
1 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on April 18, 2008 1:57 AM
Dear T.Vo.,
I am sorry but I don't understand what you said...
"nor do I have a TiVo"
Please explain yourself....you mean you at least have a DVR right? right? Please say it is so...the thought of anyone watching LIVE tv causes me to feel a panic attack coming on.
2 of 18 | Posted by eellsinoc | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:04 AM
No Tivo or equivalent? You watch this live? Then this is an even more impressive recap than usual!
Re: Brooke. Did you see the video about the making of that Ford commercial? (it's on the AI Fox site, I think). When she says, "We are supposed to be marionettes, which is a big word for puppets", she earned my antipathy -- before that. It's like she is the nanny and we are the 4 year olds learning a new word. Or, maybe, she just learned the word herself?
I actually loved Kristy singing directly to Simon during her singout. I wasn't a fan of hers, couldn't forgive her for the manipulative song choice a few weeks ago, but I thought that showed a strong personality with a sense of humor and irony we hadn't seen before. So now I like her.
3 of 18 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:36 AM
eelsinoc and rjfrankel:
The rumors are true -- although T.Vo is my name (it actually is, although I like to preserve a teeny bit of my mystique and not give away my first name), I do not have a TiVo or a DVR nor do I ever employ them when recapping.
I watch the show LIVE. EVERY WEEK. With full commercials and everything. I can't fast forward through anything, or beam myself to the near-distant future where I can make a clone of myself who can get the screencaps while I write up the recap. I type really fast (carpal tunnel and me = BFF), so I manage to get down my live thoughts as the show goes on, and note what scenes will make for funny photos while sitting with my laptop in front of a TV that is definitely going to stop working on February 17, 2009, when everyone goes digital. During commercials, I do hand exercises to stop the wrist pain and also jot down more thoughts.
Then, while re-watching and pausing the episode in a totally legal manner, I note the subtle stuff I missed in the live watching/recapping, get the screenshots I want, caption them, and revise it all to make some sense.
And then I go churn some butter and raise a barn or two. All in a day's work, you know?
Love!
4 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 18, 2008 10:04 AM
I re-watch and pause the episode in a totally legal manner on my laptop, not a TV, btw.
...and I don't actually own a TV, other than a dinky 5 inch version that my parents presented with me when I moved into my first apartment post-college in 2006, the type that's supposed to be mounted underneath your kitchen cupboards to watch while washing dishes (in 1998 or something). I balanced it on an Ikea table and sat on the floor to watch it.
So when I watched the first season of "Heroes" it was on a screen the size of two index cards next to each other. Now I rely on my roomie's TV or the boyfriend's roomie's TV. Perhaps I should start up a charity fund?
5 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 18, 2008 10:14 AM
Sounds like some of the proceeds from Idol Gives Back should come directly to your electronics advancement fund, T.Vo!
6 of 18 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 18, 2008 11:25 AM
You TVgasm artists should be paid - maybe with a little button we can click to acknowledge how much we enjoyed your work - so the best writers would make the most.
No way Kristy Lee will get that horse back - not for the amount the buyer paid her, anyway.
While I still think the average talent is better this season (no Sanjaya, for example), there does not seem to be any one huge talent that blows me away week after week.
The viewer questions gimmick is really lame.
7 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 18, 2008 12:21 PM
lame!?!? no way, it's the best gimmick ever!!! i'm totally submitting a question.
8 of 18 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on April 18, 2008 1:27 PM
Color me duelly impressed Tvo!!! Excellent and speedy recap, and how you give for your art!!! Now I needs to see some Flipit interview! Thanks for the link!
Personally, I thought Carly was obnox on the show, the beconing to the safe side, and "Simon, I think you've been a bit hard on me" as if she's all that and hasn't been scraping the bottom . . . Anyone still a fan? I'm okay with Brooke going . . . keep boning it girl, and it shall be done!
9 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 18, 2008 5:17 PM
Wait a minute, was Flip it the bartender!? And where was Simon . . . . trickery, I say . . .
10 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 18, 2008 5:32 PM
juddfan --
You don't like getting rickrolled? Check out some of the other links, they're actually not all identical. Sadly, the linking took longer than some of my screencaps, haha. You're the best!
11 of 18 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on April 18, 2008 7:26 PM
Can someone, anyone make Brooke go AWAY??? I am willing to pay.........
12 of 18 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:05 PM
Can someone, anyone make Brooke go AWAY?? I am willing to pay........
13 of 18 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on April 18, 2008 8:07 PM
Did ecthelion just order a hit?
14 of 18 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on April 19, 2008 8:13 AM
KEN LEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I love that video in so many ways.
The subtitles make it 10x better.
Anyways, I can't believe I'm saying this, I REALLY can't, but I honestly don't think Kristy deserved to go home. I totally thought she wasn't even in the bottom three. Maybe I'm just crazy [and totally biased against Brooke], but I hated her song more than usual.
15 of 18 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on April 19, 2008 12:46 PM
Not quite DP but ask me again next week, I may change my mind if she makes it through again, lol
16 of 18 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on April 19, 2008 6:56 PM
Gah I've been Rickrolled!
17 of 18 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on April 20, 2008 8:40 PM
This recap was completely ruined for me by this statement:
Syesha The Horsey Hair
You know what's really old, unoriginal, and racist? Comparing black people's hair to unfavorable things, like sheep's wool, brillo pads, and yes, horse hair. Thanks T. Vo. Really thoughtless, really disappointing.
18 of 18 | Posted by Rock Star | Posted on April 23, 2008 7:17 AM