So yay, Salt Lake City, and let me take this opportunity to apologize for any Mormon jokes that present themselves. I'm not going to go out of my way to make them, but I have a feeling they'll be unavoidable, and I just want to go on the record as saying that I ridicule all faiths without discrimination, it just happens to be the Mormons' turn today. It's 5am and the assembled hopefuls remind me that I've never once wanted anything bad enough to stand in a line at 5am waiting for it, ever. "The judging room is still silently awaiting thousands of voices to pass through," Ryan Seacrest informs us clunkily, and really, FOX, in your zillion dollar budget you don't have room for a better copywriter than that? You're gonna go with Mrs. Johnson's third grade creative writing class?

Anyway. So Ryan tells us how happy everybody is, but he neglects to mention the other Salt Lake City Stereotype That Is Apparently Actually True, which is wow, it is SO FREAKING WHITE. They pan all over this crowd, thousands of people, mountains of white people, and going frame by frame I found one black guy. No judgment, just saying. Wow.

I'm the black guy!

There must be some kind of freaky Mormon magic working, because the second black guy we see, who happens to be Randy, literally says "Where are we now? Salt Lake City? Where is that?" Evidently, Salt Lake City is so white that black people haven't even ever heard of it. Or Randy has finally given in and started raiding Paula's pharmaceutical stash. According to Paula, this is where they farm those High School Musical kids, which kind of makes sense now that I think about it. Also, Paula thinks "there's gonna be some um. Talent." They are so tired of this crap by now they can barely even pretend anymore.

We're not even 5 minutes in and we're already meeting an Osmond. Apparently Accurate Stereotype #3: Salt Lake City's streets are paved with Osmonds. They're all pretty darn cute though, and this kid is no exception.

Apparenty Accurate SLC Myth #4: No Osmond has ever let a single sperm go to waste.

Also, he has FREAKING MS, and so does his dad, and his dad gets all teary-eyed about it, and Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, they're trying to make me cry already? Anyway, he picks a weird song but I think he sounds lovely, and I suspect the whole "Hmmm, I don't know..." comments from the judges were taped after they all peed all over themselves with glee in the first take. We can't have any appearance of Osmond worship here! So he makes it, and he's really attractive and charming and he's an Osmond and he's got freaking MS so if he doesn't make it pretty far in I will eat my hat. I get to pick which hat though.

"Whichever wardrobe assistant dressed me like an Osmond is SO fired."

God. The saddest ones for me are the ones who obviously just didn't have anybody there to stop them. Like, it's genuinely sad if no one loves you enough to smack you across the face and say "No! Absolutely not! I will not stand idly by while you tell Ryan Seacrest about your ESP while wearing something with visible garters!" Let's all stop to consider how lucky we are if we have people like that in our lives. Tara does not, bless her heart, and despite her conviction that "you can't judge a person by the cover of their book," which is of course a famous proverb cross-stitched onto pillows by grandmas everywhere, she is a total mess and they say no thank you. Didn't see that coming with your totally non-goth psychic book cover, did you? Cause literally everyone else did. You have the opposite of ESP.

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Posted in American Idol by Loula at 11:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)
Last Comment: Miss Mona on Feb 5, 2009 04:57 PM.