Tonight's show opens with Ryan Seacrest looking more beanpole-ish than usual. Maybe he got a haircut. Or maybe he's wearing a smaller suit. Or maybe he just shed ten pounds since last night. Whatever the reason, he looks like a little ferret on stage. Or maybe prairie dog. Just imagine a small, skittish little creature: that's Seacrest.

After Ryan welcomes us to the show and brags about the 45 million votes cast, we then see Carmen Electra in the crowd, clapping away as if she has any idea about what's going on around her. Then we see that other loopy lady of the room: Paula Abdul. Her hair is back to its floppy state, and plus, she looks like she's fashioned her top out of an oversized poinsettia flower.

Dare I say that Paula for one brief moment actually looks nice?

Then it's onto the contestants. Surprisingly, Paris seems to be sporting a bright red outfit just like Paula's, but upon closer inspection, we see that Princess Pea's top is speckled with annoying white polka dots. It's amazing how annoying she is down to the very last detail.

Ryan then questions the kids about all sorts of dumb things: is the pressure getting to you? How has the competition changed? I don't particularly care what anyone has to say, but I do perk up when Elliot reveals that he sees himself standing in a pool of his own sweat at the Kodak Theater. A beautiful image. Now all of America has nightmares.

When this inquisition ends, Ryan ushers the kids onto the stage. Why? Because they're gonna have a big singalong! Yay! I wonder what they'll sing? Maybe "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter? I'm concerned that it just doesn't get played enough of Idol these days.

Actually, there's only one song worse than "Bad Day," and it's called "Together We Are One." If the name alone isn't already causing you to vomit into the nearest receptacle, then you're one of the lucky ones. This song is horrendous. I'm not sure if it's playing on some corner of the radio universe, but I'm fairly certain that it's an Idol original. It is AWFUL. TERRIBLE. HIDEOUS. Marlee Matlin is the luckiest woman on Earth right now.

The tune starts off sounding vaguely like a wartime anthem, like "We Are The World" or "Voices That Care", but then it veers into Christian Rock territory before settling into one big generic pile of poop. It makes me want to punch something. Someone. Whoever wrote it should be thrown into a volcano. And just when it couldn't get any more sappy or ridiculous, in walks the gospel choir to force some rah-rah-rah emotion onto us.