We begin with our singers, and first up is Vonzell. As usual, looking gorgeous, in a $29.99 T.J. Maxx prom dress with cheap blue ribbon lazily tied around it. Now, as many of you know, I’m really hoping Vonzell makes it to the fina -- oh no! Vonzell!! You’re so out of tune! What happened my sweet?? I hate to admit it, but the first half of the song was dreadfully out of tune. Major unhappy face emoticon on my end over here. She ends on a nicely delivered glory note, but the kind of “glory” that brings to mind a legless Tom Cruise in a wheelchair: Good looking, but flawed.

The judges are none too kind. Clive tells her that she “hits the rights notes”(Clive: The Man with the Tin Ears!), but that she should have toned down that winning smile of hers for a song about heart-ache. For Randy, she pulled a major “Roger Clemens”, in that she was a “little pitchy”. (Thanks! I’m here all week folks!) The camera then moves to the right, and chekc it out -- Another sequel to "Weekend at Bernies: Abdul’s In Da House"! Who is pulling the strings to make this veritable corpse move?! “Little pitchy here” Paula barely spits out. And you can tell it’s killing Simon: How can he possibly make fun of Paula now that she’s a literal brain-dead retard. He can’t! There’s no fun in it! The judges are lukewarm with Vonzie.

Next: Bo. Now, I know people love Bo Bice. His chosen song is “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” (insert Michael Jackson joke here… no not there! You cheeky bastard!) I’m pumped, as this is one of my favorite George Michael covers, yes, the famous one where he says “Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!” and the crowd roars. I get chills eh-ver-ree time I hear it.

The camera cuts to Bo. Why does this asshole insist on wearing sunglasses? He looks SOOOO CHEEESY! I know the effect is “rock n’ roll”, but to me it’s more like “Walgreen’s $4.99 Ray Blockers!” Bo sings the song, and he’s pretty good, but honestly I just don’t understand why Simon practically gasms every time he hears Bo! He’s good. Good. But not ass-splodingly amazing!

And what is the deal with holding the mic-stand?! It’s called a STAND! Not a mic-wanderer or a cocked-mic-strollabout. A. STAND. Gimmick a break already Bo!

Breathe. Breathe. OK. So he finishes, and as expected, the judges just CAN’T GET ENOUGH! It is beyond me how they manipulate this show and people’s voting. But he – Bo’s definitely got something about him. Don’t misread my rantings – I like the guy. He’s got a great smile, always a good sign. I’m just…. baffled by him.

Next: Carrie. Carrie is sweet. She sings nice. See Carrie sing. Sing, Carrie, sing! Carrie sings Cryin’. Why Carrie sad? Carrie sound like Roy Orbison.