Last night also debuted the beginning of the “actual” American Idol contest, where the 12 finalists compete against one another, this time in front of the biggest studio audience yet. There were some surprises, many misfires, but overall it made for an entertaining show. The show, of course, began with the still likable Seacrest giving a “Vazquez disclaimer”, and explaining that Niko will be taking Mario’s place. Tonight’s songs were all to be from that far-off decade “The 60’s”. The performances, please:

Jessica: Sang “Shop Around”, which is the very same lesson my Jewish mother taught me before ever paying retail. Jess wasn’t bad tonight, but wasn’t great either. And I hate to beat a dead horse with an ugly stick, but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to watch this girl sing. Those circling cameras can only do so much to camouflage her appearance, which just screams “I Live Under a Bridge!”

Anwar: Sang Tamyra’s trademarked “A House is Not a Home”, which is a difficult song in that it is impossible to hum along to. One of my favorite things about Idol is that in the commercial breaks, I sing the songs myself to prove to me and my neighbors that I am at least as good as the top 12 finalists. In this case, I had to resort to singing my favorite commercial jingle (“The sun comes up! The day arrives! Another day to be aliii-iiive!”) I was into his Lawrence Fishburne ensemble, and hey, I love Anwar. Even when he’s bad, he’s still so so good.

Mikalah: Is it legal for 16 year olds to have breast implants? What about 16 year old lionesses? That’s like, what… 112 in people years? Mikalah decides to lure the “Son of a Preacher Man” into the death-grip of her mighty jaws in this poorly sung number. And what about those dance moves? I couldn’t tell if she was breaking a move, or groundhogging a turd. There was so much squatting-hand-on-hip action I wasn’t sure if I was watching Idol or “The Nanny Sweats to the Borscht Belt Oldies.” Simon told her that her “confidence outweighed her talent.” She still manages to insert a couple of snorts/growls before exiting the stage.

Constantine: Excuse me for a minute… something funny is going on… (shifting in chair)… oh GOD. I ENJOYED CONSTANTINE. (hysterical coughing fit, coughing up blood, eyes watering, drinking some water.) He sang “You Make Me So Very Happy”. And he just… sang it. Pretty well. I thought I was falling in love for a moment, but then Seacrest came over, he made a ratface, and reality tv became just that… a reality again. And you know! I never noticed how tall he is! (pause) Here’s hoping he sucks again next week.