Step 1: Wear an idiotic costume that makes no sense.
First up: Alexis "Dylon" Linchita shows up to the audition speaking with a hideous Jamaican accent and wearing this ensemble:

Where is Alexis from? Well, he's from Bakersfield. That's in the middle of the California desert. If there are any actual Jamacians in Bakersfield, I presume they ended up there by mistake.

When rejected by the judges (even Paula is snippy with him!) he boo-hoos his regret that perhaps he shouldn't have shown up to the audition wearing a dumb costume. Had he not worn the costume, perhaps he could have made it. That, and singing better would have helped.

~~~

Step 2: Bring along your weird sister who is living the American Idol dream through you.

Then we meet Erica Davis, who (in an unfortunate lack of judgement) comes to the audition with her sister, who was rejected last year. Back then, psycho (oops! I mean) psychic sister spooked the judges with odd predictions, saying she would win the whole shebang. Too bad her singing sounded like a braying donkey.

This time around, sister predicts Erica will win it all. Snore. But then Erica actually sings alright; sadly, sister jumps in, can't keep her mouth shut and tries to hijack the moment, most likely in a campaign to steal the spotlight. They are shown the door. If I was Erica, I would have choked my stupid sister on the spot while screaming "I got your prediction right here, beyotch!" But that's just how I handle things.

Sister's parting words? "I have predictions for next year. But I feel like keeping them to myself." Mmmmkay.

~~~

Step 3: Terrify the judges.

In walks Ryan Hart, whose speaking voice is normal; but his singing voice sounds like the noise you make when you tear aluminum foil. (Think about it. It does.) How do you make that sound? By sucking in air while you sing? Whatever, there are some tones of his voice that are so high-pitched, bats circled my house trying to get to the TV and mate with it. His audition left me oddly unsettled. Now I feel like I need to show someone the clip of his audition, or I will get a phone call where a strange voice will tell me I will die in seven days. It's the new Ring: pass it on, or die. Please, Ryan, don't crawl out of my TV and eat my face.

~~~

Step 4: Have this hair-do:

Enough said.

~~~

Step 5: Be really fat.
Anthony Andolino comes in and sings "Lately" by Jodeci; he does a pretty good job. Potential, but needs work. He is politely excused.

But then much to Paula's horror, as the door clicks shut Simon chuckles and says it's for the best, since "we couldn't afford the
food bill." Perhaps Ruben's lackluster performance has made Simon bitter against his "type." Although I don't understand why the editors chose to put this stupid joke in the episode. Did they think it was funny? Ugh.

~~

Step 6: Be a twin.
Maureen and Marnelli Pearson, who look cute as buttons and sing just about as lifelessly as one, make it to the judges based on their "We're twins!" gimmick factor.