Tonight's show opens with our favorite moppet, Ryan Seacrest, already hyping the big finale in two weeks. He says fifty million people will be watching and blah blah blah it's time for the opening credits. Two seconds later, Ryan re-appears on the big stage where we can fully take in his bland, three-piece suit. It's sort of a gray overload. I guess it's the new black. I can't help but notice that Ryan seems to be having a gray love affair these days, and while it's great that he has gray pride, I think it's odd that he never seems to talk about his gray sensibilities. Not that there's anything wrong with it. A lot of my friends are into the gray lifestyle. I just think that Ryan shouldn't be so ashamed of being gray. That's all.

Anyway, it's Elvis week, and so the producers sent the idols to Graceland to really get in touch with their inner King. Of course, cameras followed them the entire way, and as they pulled up in front of Elvis's storied house, Taylor remarked, "birthplace of rock 'n' roll." Well, not really, but then again, I shouldn't question Taylor. After all, he was alive before rock 'n' roll even existed.

The kids then came to the front door, and holy shit! It's Michael Myers!!! RUN!!! Oh, wait, no. How silly of me. It's THE JOKER!!! RUN!!! Oh, wait, no, sorry again. It's just Priscilla Presley. Yes, she may be the first lady of Graceland, but Priscilla has hardly aged gracefully. Her face has now become a barren wasteland of surgical excavations. A veritable Chernobyl of Botox and collagen. Over the years, I've seen Priscilla slowly head down the Michael Jackson route, but these days, she looks worse than ever. She makes Irene Marie look like Christie Turlington. Now whenever I watch The Naked Gun (something I do quite often), every scene will be tinged with sadness. Whither the natural beauty of Jane Spencer?

Why, Priscilla, why???

Priscilla explains her evil plan to trap Batman and kill all of Gotham City.

Also hanging out at Graceland was über-producer Tommy Mottola, who famously married Mariah Carey... and then famously divorced her. He looked svelte and gastric-bypass-surgery-ish, but since he had no creepy plastic surgery, I wasn't that interested in hearing what he had to say. Let's get on with the music!

First up is Taylor Hicks who sings "Jailhouse Rock." He does all his patented moves: the squat-walking, the spinning, the spastic movements. It's classic Hicks, which is great for some people. But for everyone else (me included), it's kind of annoying. The audience seems to have fun though -- especially Jeri Ryan who cheers from amidst the hoi polloi. Also having a blast: Taylor's big, breasty friend who I'll simply call Juggy McChesterson. I'm telling you, there was a lot of cleavage on display.