The big season premiere kicked off at last year's climactic moment: the crowning of Taylor Hicks (all together now: UGH). Ryan Seacrest then babbled on about how the show had changed lives, as evidenced by Clay Aiken, who has gone from gawky and weird to a more palatable strange and weird. We then saw a random flash of Fantasia looking super hoochie in her music video, and ultimately, Ryan announced that Katharine McPhee was now America's Sweetheart. Someone might want to send a memo to Julia Roberts, Reese Witherspoon, or any other woman who's actually earned at least a million dollars off the American public.

We then saw a montage of all the stadiums (or stadia, really) that filled up with wannabe pop stars, and like I do every year, I marveled that this show can a) draw out so many people, and b) actually sift through them all. But enough pondering. Let's just get to the auditions!

First up was Jessica Rhodie, a shiny girl who worked at the Mall of America as a professional Makeup Artist. You betcha! Her major talent (aside from singing, natch) was taking average people and transforming them into supermodels, or at least the Mall of America version -- which meant that she took average people and made them look like average people with bigger hair.

Anyway, the mere prospect of auditioning for Idol was enough to make Jessica cry, especially knowing that Jewel would be judging her too. Apparently, Jessica was a living, breathing, hardcore Jewel fan -- a species some say is rarer than the California condor.

Well, Jessica entered the audition room smiling and nervous -- and tragically untransformed into supermodel status. Her teeth had the faint yellow glow of tartar buildup (HD reveals all), and her outfit was -- well, I don't know what it was. It started off as a denim miniskirt and ended as a flowy dress. Maybe this was a staple look during Jewel's more bohemian years, but whatever it was, it looked fairly ridiculous. It wouldn't matter though if she could sing.

Unfortunately, she couldn't sing. Her voice wasn't the worst, but it was deep and husky and yet nasally and shrill. It was therefore no surprise that Randy responded with merely a string of "No no no no no." This ultimately led to a Jessica breakdown as she crumpled down to the floor, tears welling up in her eyes. Jewel looked totally shocked -- as if she wanted to know what the hell she had gotten herself into. That look never went away the entire evening.

"We're trying to find the best, and you're so far and away from it," Randy said, and then to add insult to injury, when Jessica tried to storm out, she went through the wrong door and was promptly rebuffed by its immobile heft. A tough way to go out. Ah, but Jessica wasn't done. Outside, she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. At first it was funny, but then it just became awkward. Her boyfriend didn't even know what to do. C'mon now. Lift that chin up, be proud, and go treat yourself to some Applebees!