Next up was the rather dreadful Troy Benham. His goal was to be urban Amish, or as I like to call it, Urbish. He had never actually seen Idol, on account of his lack of a television (there apparently is also a lack of proper dental care in Amish country as well), but Troy was ready to impress the judges with his sonorous voice. Needless to say, I wished he go on Rumspringa and never come back. He was truly terrible, and his song made little to no sense. Paula seemed mildly transfixed by Troy's sounds, but then again, she's transfixed by lint. No surprise here: pass.
After a montage of crappy people (my favorite sort of montage), we then met Jesse Holloway, our obligatory nerdy black teenager with delusions of musical greatness. A season or two ago, we had that kid who claimed to be Toni Braxton's cousin. Now we had Jesse Holloway. He didn't attempt to hitch himself to any musical superstar. He just assumed that his skillz would speak for themselves.
Of course, one look at his acne and his vacant eyes had us fretting the worst. It didn't get much better when he promised a "unique vocal range" (ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!) and finally boasted that "I can hit some notes that Mariah Carey can hit." Let the caterwauling begin.
Jesse regaled the judges with an awful, awful version of "My Heart Will Go On," and about halfway through, he suddenly stopped himself, announced that he needed water, and then marched out of the room. Sadly, no amount of hydration could save his voice. When he came back to finish his song, he went headfirst for the high notes, and needless to say, he hit none of them (as if he had hit any of the regular notes anyway). He was amazingly terrible, and when the judges told him so, he refused to believe it. What's a talented, undiscovered superstar to do but break out some MJ? Jesse suddenly began squealing "Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough," and the best way one could describe it was scrubbing Windex on a mirror. It was so horrendous that even Jewel was about to say something (don't worry -- she didn't).
Eventually, Jesse huffed away -- hitting the stationary door first, natch -- and once he was in the lobby, he soundly mouthed off to the judges. "When was the last time Paula made a record!" he snapped. Hey, when was the last time you made a record. That's right. Keep walking.
Next was a guy named Charles who showed up dressed as Apollo Creed. He announced that he would be singing an "aria song," which is pretty much the same as saying he'd be singing a "song song." Well, readers, our old friend Papi (who'll be switching off with me on Idol coverage starting next week) emailed me to say that the "aria song" Charles sang was "Caro Mio Ben," which is a "really sappy song everyone sings in voice class when they're in school." How does Papi know this? He sang it in Junior High at the state competition where he made it to the finals. To that end, Papi notes, "Boo-ya."
The good news is that somewhere along the line, Charles may have gotten vocal training. The bad news was that he still sucked. Simon was disgusted by the display, especially the costume, and unsurprisingly, Charles was cut. He too went out the wrong door. The producers should do that more often -- place hidden obstacles in the way of the rejected singers.
Next up was Denise Jackson, and before she even said a full sentence, the sentimental music was playing in the background. Clearly she was already going to Hollywood. So what was her story? Oh, she was a crack baby. No big woop. Okay, Denise had a touching story. Her mom was a drug addict, and Denise was born as a crack baby, but instead of going into the foster system, her grandmother raised her. It was a remarkable story since most crack babies have various physical ailments or disabilities, but Denise was absolutely fine (except for her teeth, but those can be fixed). Anyway, Denise got up in front of the judges and announced she was going to sing "You're Gonna Love Me," the Dreamgirls tune that Jennifer Hudson has recently resurrected for the masses. So do crack babies sing well? Damn straight. Denise full on belted that sucker out. She was so loud and authoritative that the microphones seemed to be breaking left and right. And just like that, she was through to the next round! That's right, thirty-four minutes into the show, and we finally had our first acceptance.
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Comments (28)
The premiere of season 6 for AI was pretty uneventful. The premiere for your recap of it was great. I agreed with pretty much everything you said.
What was up with the door thing? I can only assume they're going to try to make a montage of wrong doors later on or something. I like the idea of obstacles though. There's no comedy like slapstick!
The crying was painful. It starts out weird and sort of funny, but you end up wishing they had massive diarrhea or something beforehand so they wouldn't have gotten so hurt, but then you realize you'd have nothing to watch if that happened, so you end up just moving on.
I thought they'd let that Danya girl through, especially since she didn't sound too bad at all the second time around. That was awkward when she was singing to her boss, Gary, though. I'm sure, if his wife were in the room, Danya would be looking for another job as well as a ride home. Then again, that might just be me 'cause I'd be protective of that piece of man. mmmmm... Huh? What? Sleep depravation isn't fun.
Anyway, I'm not sure any of the ones we saw that passed would make it to the top 32 (or whatever number it is where the audience starts voting), but we'll see.
1 of 28 | Posted by raggedy_andy
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Posted on January 17, 2007 4:09 AM
I was not impressed with anyone!!! Let's just put it this way - I'm a mediocre singer and my roommates were all pissed at me that I didn't audition because I would have made it to Hollywood based on the standards they were accepting. Minneapolis is DEFINITELY not the place for talent. I wasn't even impressed by the "crack baby". And don't even get me started on Chewbacca and Brenna the "Whyyyy Whyyy Whyyyyyyy!!" Girl... Yeah, I was pretty much rolling around on my floor watching those two. And it seems like it only gets better! Did anyone else see the "Life with Louie" and Gollum look-alikes conversing in the previews? I hate to be cruel, but WHY OH WHY would they subject these two to public humiliation when they are OBVIOUSLY retarded? They can't even TALK to each other - how are they supposed to SING? And they weren't the only scary-looking people in Seattle (which makes me wonder if it's something in the water or if it's the rainwater that's making these people so God-awful UGLY?)
Anyway, I'm looking forward to another fun-filled night of being my evil self and busting the Hell out of these delusional souls!! ;)
2 of 28 | Posted by YouWannaBMe
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Posted on January 17, 2007 6:32 AM
when the first girl finished singing that jewel song and simon turned to jewel and said "well, Jewel, what did you think? did she sound like you?" and i thought Jewel was going to either get up and run from the judges table or put her head down and burst into tears. ahh it was so great!
Her, the superfan girl with the degree in voice something-or-other, and Randy/Simon's outburst on the voice teacher were the best moments. not to meantion that freaking DOOR! best. ever! and
and the fuel guy - priceless with the barry manilow voice!
3 of 28 | Posted by animalcrackers
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Posted on January 17, 2007 6:35 AM
It might just be me, but couldn't they have just put a sign on the locked door that read "Use other door?" Maybe even put a big red arrow POINTING to the other door?
4 of 28 | Posted by realitybred55
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Posted on January 17, 2007 7:05 AM
It took two Tylenol and three Advil to get rid of the headache that this episode created! All that I can say is painful. I will have to stock up at the pharmacy before I can view any more of this mess.
5 of 28 | Posted by USNRNPage
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Posted on January 17, 2007 7:35 AM
Hated Jewel and her "I don't want to say anything"...Hey bitch. You are a judge on AI. If you didn't want to 'tell it like it is' get the hell out. I hate the idea of the guest judge in the first round anyway...it kinda makes Randy, Paula and Simon less volitile.
The singers were (for the most part) the usual suspects. I am looking forward to the Seattle round tonight - Goth and Starbucks!
Oh and I am so glad that there are people who watch "American Idol" and think that makes them an "American Idol."
hb
6 of 28 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on January 17, 2007 7:39 AM
I loved how the psuedo-Fuel kid's father said that his son sounds like a beautiful songbird. Apparently the birds sing horribly in Minneapolis too.
And Jewel had an awesome zinger on that superfan that no one gave her credit for! After she said, "I have ten years of vocal training," Jewel commented, "Oh, someone took your money." Maybe it's just because I didn't expect it from her, but it made me bust out laughing.
7 of 28 | Posted by sugarshane12
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Posted on January 17, 2007 8:15 AM
The show had a few moments, but mostly they let bad singers and spoiled crybabies go on too long. It got to be painful.
I hope they don't ever do this in Minneapolis again.
Jewel didn't add anything. Neither did Paula.
8 of 28 | Posted by soflat
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Posted on January 17, 2007 8:19 AM
For the record, the first it sounded to "pitchy" to Randy came at the 58 minute mark.
It'll be interesting to see just how awful Seattle really is tonight. Especiall ywith Simon telling some poor schlub that he looks like a Lemur
9 of 28 | Posted by NickelBagofFunk
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Posted on January 17, 2007 8:27 AM
I think the only good singer that they selected was the girl who sang "Over the Rainbow" near the end. I can't wait to see Seattle. Some of those people are freaky -- wonder if it has to do with all the coffee people drink there.
10 of 28 | Posted by murphena
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Posted on January 17, 2007 8:31 AM
Ok, I am being dead serious here. I am from Minnesota (and proud of it, even after last night) and I did not notice anyone having a "stereotypical Fargo-esque accent." Are my ears blind? Is that how *I* talk and just don't know it?????
11 of 28 | Posted by happy_gal
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Posted on January 17, 2007 8:36 AM
Your recaps are better than the show!
After a brief encounter with the wrong door (yes!), Josh ran around urgently, trying to find anyone who knew any sort of Abba song. Sure enough, he was paired with "Dancing Queen," and when he returned to the judges, he sounded... exactly the same. It was like listening to someone crooning Abba while taking a dump. Except worse.
I was crying at my desk after reading this!!
12 of 28 | Posted by PuffMatty
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Posted on January 17, 2007 9:26 AM
i was SO looking forward to a screen cap of Brenna's face when Jason was sobbing hysterically about juggling being "just his entertainment".
also, was anyone else totally distracted by the fact that paula could hardly hold her chin up off the desk?
13 of 28 | Posted by tulip618
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Posted on January 17, 2007 9:41 AM
Did anyone else love how awkward Ryan Seacrest looked while the juggling kid went off on his obscenity streak and then broke down? Seriously, I think I laughed harder then than the rest of the show (excpet the next girl saying that HeR aND AmeRIcAn~IdOl arE LIkE B~F~F!!!!!!!) (ps- sorry for the obnoxious toggleness, but that's the only way I can imagine her saying/writing that, in pink glitter flash font on her myspace page)
14 of 28 | Posted by Katiepalooza
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Posted on January 17, 2007 9:56 AM
Absolutely Tulip!!! I kept saying to my roommates, "Um, does anyone notice how many times Paula is taking GULPS out of her drink and with every gulp she looks more and more f*d up?" LOL Glad I'm not the only one who picked up on that...
15 of 28 | Posted by YouWannaBMe
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Posted on January 17, 2007 10:01 AM
Great recap B-side! Definately funnier than the show! These audition shows now lean to pathetic in my opinion.
What happened to them showing us the people who made it through so you have someone to root for during the coming weeks. Sure I want to see some of the pathetic losers who obviously have no friends (to honestly tell them how bad they suck) or they are all dillusional.
I wonder if the crazy costumes and displays of crazy are contrived by the show. The Apollo Creed guy actually had a decent voice - without the Uncle Sam get-up, he might have been taken seriously but the Urban-amish guy - please...where does that come from? And tonights previews - I agree, those kids both look and sound limited - why would they use them as comic relief? I am sure it takes a lot of guts to even walk in that place for someone like that -
Paula was not nearly entertaining enough and Jewel had no personality at all - why bother having her there if her best contribution to the night was the correct use of the word Lascivious? Major disappointment for night one. I am guessing since I heard Seattle was worse than MN, we dont have much to look forward to.
16 of 28 | Posted by jelliepair
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Posted on January 17, 2007 11:16 AM
Great recap. I REAAALLY want a picture of the moment with Brenna when the camera pans over to her outside the audition room, and she has a completely blank stare on her face that's just HILARIOUS. SCREEN GRAB, PLEASE???
17 of 28 | Posted by tangerine
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Posted on January 17, 2007 11:22 AM
Katie.....excellent...
although I also see a wallpaper of her inserted on the judging table over Jool....
and I'm from the Midwest and, yes, Happy_gal....you do talk like that, ya nooo?
Jool....while probably looking hotter than EVER before, must have been there to give P-drunky a rest on the "making it your own" stuff.....she didn't come through.
Randy is getting more Simonly every year (must have been a push by the producers to keep his contract)
finally....the door...gold...solid gold...
18 of 28 | Posted by Curvewatcher
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Posted on January 17, 2007 11:23 AM
Judging by those teeth, Denise Jackson is the crack baby of Condoleezza Rice.
19 of 28 | Posted by Foxbase Alpha
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Posted on January 17, 2007 12:36 PM
Wait, the Shakira girl asked Ryan if he had a 'lobby' or a 'girlfriend'?
Its okay, B-Side, everyone makes mistakes, I love you anyway =)
20 of 28 | Posted by sarah
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Posted on January 17, 2007 1:19 PM
That Sarah Kreuger (?) girl was very good.. Best audition since Carrie Underwood's last year...actually, maybe she just sounded good cause all the others sounded so bad. I couldnt believe what I was hearing when the judges complimented the crackbaby. She was just too over the top and her voice was forced. I guess they just really felt bad because she looked like a 40 year old mother with 4 kids. I wouldnt be so mean if she was humble, but she was so annoying and so full of pride, I can't help it..That Fuel wannabe was hilarious as well singing the manilow song in a way that only his father would love.
21 of 28 | Posted by roleepolee
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Posted on January 17, 2007 2:16 PM
Well, technically, she could have asked about a lobby!
THanks for the heads up...
22 of 28 | Posted by B-Side
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Posted on January 17, 2007 2:24 PM
Thank God this show is back, I've been waiting for this since the last finale. Anyway, the best moments of the premiere were:
- The door thing. That never got old and never will. Hopefully they strategically lock one of the doors again tonight in Seattle.
- The look on self-proclaimed number 1 Idol fan Brenna's face right before she went in to audition as that other kid was standing there having a breakdown on camera. (I truly believe that she may be the number one Idol fan, but doesn't she know how the show works? The irony is that she is now one of the crappy ones who think that they're great that the rest of the fans love to laugh at.)
- Best Simon quip of the night: (After one of the contestants asked "Is there anything I can do to improve?") "Yes, leave." ICE COLD. Love it.
- The first girl's excessive crying was hilarious at first and a great reminder of this show's brilliance, but after a while, I felt dirty for laughing at her. They could have cut that a little shorter. Although, her bad-Jewel-impersonator style was true AI genius with Jewel sitting right there.
- And did the last kid remind anyone else of Dwight from the Office if he was younger?
23 of 28 | Posted by NateTheOkay
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Posted on January 17, 2007 5:13 PM
According to my partner's coworkers with inside info, Seattle promises to be the WORST CITY EVER, even worse than last night. They said it was dismal.
I had this problem last year too -- stop focusing so much on the sucky ones! Yes, that's what we watch the auditions for, but then they blow by, what was it, 17 people they accepted at the end -- and how many good auditions did we hear, like five or something? In two hours? Show more of a balance -- I want to have hope...
24 of 28 | Posted by killbondnow
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Posted on January 17, 2007 6:07 PM
Methinks something was amiss in the household of the "nice, young, gay boy without parents" (fantastic, by the way). After he called his mom to tell her he made it, as he broke down he was saying, "She's proud of me," as if that was all he needed. Wow. Good for him, though.
Fantastic recap. I laughed my ass of last night (as I am doing yet again, tonight), and this brought it all crashing back. "Who will save her soul...from hilarity?" So good.
25 of 28 | Posted by Cody M.
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Posted on January 17, 2007 6:14 PM
Hey LionGirl, if you are reading this: Me and MrC LOVED YA!
Oh she had us in stitches! I could just picture some curls and a little red bow...
26 of 28 | Posted by MrsC
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Posted on January 18, 2007 11:34 AM
Damn! you got two hours of horrendousness, I was looking forward to the show tonight, but Irish telly edited it down to one hour. Thank god for the tvgasm recappers.
27 of 28 | Posted by Elimare
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Posted on January 20, 2007 11:16 AM
Great recap, B-Side! I guess I agree with the notion that it was not a SPECTACULAR season premiere, but it was still very fun as you said, and it actually had me CRYING with laughter. Why? It had to be THIS Simon face:
http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/4237/roflsimon7uy.png
That is the face he made while listening to the fat, crooning Wizard of Oz girl. I'm sorry, but that is just the absolute funniest face I have EVER seen Simon make. And his reaction as a whole was priceless, what with the long, dreadfully confused pause followed by "...What am I supposed to say?" Like I said, I was crying with laughter.
28 of 28 | Posted by Smoke_Rulz
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Posted on January 24, 2007 6:26 AM