I could talk about the rainy weather and the nine thousand people who showed up to audition, but I'd rather just jump right into the whole mess. First up was Brandon Groves, a goofy guy in an Uncle Sam costume. If he looked familiar, that's because last year, he auditioned wearing a cop uniform and sang, nay, butchered "I Shot The Sheriff." This time around, he wanted to take on "God Bless America," but unlike a fine wine, Brandon had not improved with age. Instead, he just reminded us once again that if someone comes to audition wearing stars and stripes, we should bolt for the door. Or at least the fast forward button.

At the end of the session, Paula joked, "Next season he'll be dressed as an Indian Chief." She thought she was making a funny, but we'll see if she's still laughing a year from now when Brandon waltzes in like Chief Massasoit.

Next up was one of the most vile creatures to ever make its way onto television. It's name was Jennifer Chapton, and I suppose I should be so generous as to give her a female pronoun, but honestly, I do so begrudgingly. Jennifer informed us that her nickname was "The Hotness," which was quite ironic since she looked like the slutty sister of Mrs. Potatohead. Faces don't come much more tragic than this -- bushy eyebrows, warts, generally bad bone structure. Everything was wrong. I wouldn't so much call her The Hotness as much as I'd call her the My Eyes Just Went Blind-ness.

Feel The Hotness

Anyway, we knew she'd be terrible immediately when she raised those two red flags we've come to know oh so well. First she said, "I believe I have my own unique sound and style." Okay, kids. Not being able to hit a damn note does not count as "unique style." That means you suck. Secondly, The Hotness told us that she could be safely compared to Mariah. We weren't sure what her rationale was, but I'm thinking it was something like "We both rely on food to exist."

Armenia's Next Top Model.

We then learned the storied history behind "The Hotness." Apparently the title was given to Jennifer in high school. She claimed it was because she was so damn sexy and outspoken. No, Jennifer. It's because everyone in your high school was MOCKING you.

Well, The Hotness performed a song by Tenderoni -- also a bad sign -- and man was she awful. Not only was she flat and tone deaf, but she punctuated her lyrics with breathless "Oooh!"s every two seconds.

The Hotness takes a dump.

Eventually, The Hotness was told to stop, and when Simon told her she was terrible, she entered full-on rebuff mode. "Your opinion don't mean nothing," she said, suddenly acting too cool for this competition. When Simon then asked why she was there then, she said she just wanted to leave no stone unturned on her path to success. Jennifer then questioned Simon's musical qualifications, and next thing we knew, she was launching into a second song.

"If you can't stand The Hotness, get out of the kitchen (but don't take the kielbasa. I was about to eat that)."

Ultimately, Simon cut her down with one of his typically caustic, British comments: "Why don't you get a job down in the port?" Who says she hasn't already? After all, The Hotness was pretty much what I'd expect a fish monger to look like if she wanted to hootch it up.