Idol Gives Back 2: Give Me the Two and a Half Hours You Stole From Me and I'll Send My Own Goddamn Mosquito Net

Nigelscream
What are you bitching about? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NIGEL!

First off; TWO AND A HALF HOURS?!?!?!?!?!?!? Oh. My. God. I shoulda started this crap earlier. I have to warn you right now. This might get ugly.

Eight jillion people are watching tonight. Do you know how many five packs of Crayons that will buy if everyone just donated a dime? I don't, but it's enough to make all the starving people of the world salivate while they watch this show on their forty two inch plasmas. Calm down, starving people! You'll get your money. Can't tell you how, or when, or how much, or what percentage of what's donated tonight, or really anything since last years numbers STILL haven't been released, but mark my words. You will get a mosquito net at the very least.

Everyone's greediness out of the way? Good. Let's get going!! We open with a huge dance number to Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music". Nothing says "feed me" like a bunch of hoochie mamas with their ribs and sacks of saline showing. This is the biggest group of spandexed hos and homos I've seen grouped together since I caught a commercial for Celine Dion's Vegas show a couple years back. Why do these people look so familiar? And why is that girl in pink spandex? And why are there boys in ballet tights? And why do they just keep turning and turning and turning? We get it! YOU CAN TURN IN CIRCLES ENDLESSLY. Why? Oh, because So You Think You Can Dance is coming back on soon. Noted.

Picture 1-17
Thirty seconds in and it's already just plain wrong.

The Idols step-together step onto the stage awkwardly. Man, they look like rhythm-less nation anyway, but surrounded by real dancers they just look lost and frightened. Syesha starts it off and sounds pretty good, but I can't hear Carly because I'm laughing so hard at Castro twitching as whitely as possible through his line. There is a lot of movement, a lot of lights flashing, and a lot of pop locking. Yes, it hurts. But we're gathered here for a very important reason. In case you don't remember that reason, it flashes up in a giant font across the screen in the middle of the number: EXXON MOBILE. Assholes. I filled up with gas today and it cost me forty five bucks. Explain yourselves! How bout you produce a show called Exxon Mobile Gives Back: To Flipit.

Alright, I just read those paragraphs back and will admit up front that they are all over the place and confusing. Sorry, but I feel like I just got slammed into. Here are my notes so far:

Nothing says feed me like a bunch of hoochie mamas in eighties spandex
Syesha good but soulless
muppet awkward
dancing sad against reall dancers
pop locking
tight dancers hot but fug but hot but really really fug
pink spandex wow
multicartwheels
rihanna lol starving dance club
gay spandex ballet
weird gay turns and jumps
head dance jumpy asians
i wanna take
i just can't refuse it but i ttlly can
exxon mobil assholes
who the fuck are these people?
so you think you can dance
ahhhhh get mary's ass out here

OK, I have taken a break and am back. And this time, I hope I get to feel something! Tink does a little Leprechaun leap at the end of the number, further solidifying himself as one of the funniest little creatures on TV.

Picture 2-12
Sorry to be gross, but this guy is hung like a hill.

After some NASCAR dude comes on the screen to tell us to donate, Tink introduces a woman who has helped make starving fun, cool, and socially acceptable. Maria Schriver!

Picture 3-12
Girl, that hair weighs more than you.

Maria is joined by at least fifty people. Some are in wheelchairs, some are handicapped, some are questionable. I can't help but pause the TV every two seconds to see if I can name that affliction. When I run out of words, I just start shouting "polio! Meningitis! Common cold! Lazy eye!" Unfortunately, there probably won't be an answer key in tomorrow's paper telling me which ones I got right, so I just play for fun. Maria names some of the organizations that Idol Gives Back will be helping, and wow that's a hell of a list. Can't they just concentrate on a couple at a time? This seems like book keeper confusion to me. Good luck with this mess, IRS.

Idol Gives Back 2: Give Me the Two and a Half Hours You Stole From Me and I'll Send My Own Goddamn Mosquito Net Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6  |  7 

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Comments (18)

fire@will:

Thanks for taking a bullet for the old home team! I fast forwarded through most of this (while wishing I'd cleaned my shower instead).

The New Orleans segment was the most optimistic. The whole housing situation in this country needs some serious thought.

Without some fundamental changes, mostly political, keeping more people alive in poor countries is sadly just a short term bandaid that will mainly result in even more poor children later. How about raising money to replace Mugabe with a democracy? (Teach a man to fish...)

FanAttic:

Love me some Manning brothers, but is it just me or does Eli look like Tucker Carlson?

juddfan:

There they are again, WHY do the gates of hell always ominously creak open beneath me--oh well, perhaps coz I FF'd most of the show, I didn't even watch Annie cry--what's happened to my soft marshmellowy heart, and why does Bono ALWAYS wear redonk sunglasses!!!! Is it me, it screams DOUCHE!!!! I know he's like (stop it GATES!) a nobel prize charity douche, but a DOUCHE (was that a flame singeing me) is always a DOUCHE!!!!

phew, I feel better and now I can make some heart smores!

Thanks for takin' this one on again, Flip It! and I got cut off too--and I missed Mariah, I heard . . . .Fergie looked and sounded hot--she can sing! My first Miley experience, just aiight, not awful, but how unflattering to have her boast about her (all because of the Disney machine) accomplishments . . . as if she's made it on her own with hard work and determination!

I also cannot look at her Dad and his douchey hair extensions, it must be embarrassing to go visit poor people while being all dolled up in Hollywood fakery!

lalia:

Just a little FYI: The correct person who performed with Snoop was Charlie Wilson NOT Little Richard. Charlie & Little Richard don't even look alike, and Snoop and Charlie have done a grip of songs together. It's common knowledge(at least amongst Snoop fans) that Charlie has been a big part of Snoops life & career.

james woods rules:

I, too, dare I say it, was impressed with Fergie. I would NEVER have thought she could sing like that. I don't listen to her, so maybe that's why I didn't know. I have seen BEP performances, though and she always....kinda....sucked....

james woods rules:

OH MY GOD, Flipit! I forgot to thank you for the goddamnedest fucking hilarious recap, EVER.

Common cold? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!

greeneyes:

Excellent recap, Flipit, but extra hugs for including links to the charities where we can donate for ourselves.

chooch850:

I love reading what you think of a show because you say all the things I say to the TV but I'm too chicken to post those same comments. Ilove you for that!! Great job once again and cudos for getting it posted so fast.

Brad Pitt was soooo dreamy!!!!

CheriesTake:

LOL flipit! Most of that shit was depressing as hell, which I guess its supposed to be but damn, did they have to let Terri Hatcher SING!!!! I think I blacked out after that. Oh wait I remember seeing Fergie doing cartwheels in front of fat Anne and was hoping Anne would knock the hell out of her! Bitch.
Love ya!

addicted:

The last thing that I want to see on an "Idol gives back", or a regular Idol, or really anything is fucking Kobe Bryant. Is he supposed to be inspiring?

JasonR:

Flip, bravo . . . a f-ing masterpiece. I only watched this during commercials and intermissions of the Devil-Rangers game 1 (damn you, Lundqvist!), but I have to admit, Teri Hatcher didn't suck, Carrie Underwood and Fergie were amazing, and Annie Lenox was incredible. Why isn't she more famous? She should by all rights be this generation's Aretha Franklin.

TheVoiceOfReason:

Those who are praising Fergie's stage-hogging during the Heart number must have been born after 1980. (Wait, all of the Idol contestants are that young, too. Um, why the hell do I watch this show again???)
I was stoked to see Heart onstage, but I began getting pissed when Fergie first strutted out to sing WITH Heart. WTF??? THEN, when she did the whole Marilyn Monroe-esque self-boob graze complete with hair extension flick, writhed on the floor, and then a fuckin' cartwheel??? And did ya see when she sorta tousled Ann's hair as she walked behind her? I wanted so much for Ann to turn around and swat her like a mosquito or for Nancy to her famous guitar kick and accidentally on purpose take out one of Fergie's teeth.
Ann and Nancy are hot because they've always been strong women. (RE: their songs don't necessarily have to call attention to things like, oh, I dunno..."lovely lady humps" or shit like that.)
Fergie should have recognized and stayed off-stage while some true rockers showed their staying power.

renoblondee:

Flipit, once again you have outdone yourself! That was f'n HIlarious! I just wanna say, thank you so much for being you. You. Rock.

carmelicious:

Flipit - I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the excellent recap! Made me laugh on this crappy Friday morning (you all don't know me - but I am a miserable piece of shit until about 11am)

"Ok, ok! I'll call! Wait brb someone's AIMing me"
....fing brilliant!!

ibanez_bw:

Was that the cop from heroes on drums? If he could read my mind he would hear "Play louder so i don't have to listen to that terrible screeching woman!"

Anonymous:

hey guys!! thanks for the comments. i am a miserable bitch til around noon so this totally helped. and agree one hundred percent about fergie and annie lennox. fergie is lucky she still has her bones intact and annie lennox needs to never retire ever.

oh and i am completely and utterly shocked that that wasn't little richard. thanks for the heads up. xo flip

james woods rules:

Hey Voice--
I totally agree with you that Fergie could NEVER be in the same ball park as Ann and Nancy, but I was also surprised she could sing that well. I didn't hear the song she sang with Legend so I can't comment on that. It was ridiculous, though, her nasty floor humping and gyrating between Ann and Nancy. She actually sort of reminded me of "Youth Gone Wild" era Sebastian Bach with her leather pants and long blond hair. I am still not sure if that's good or bad.

TheVoiceOfReason:

Flipit, darling, you have a gift. I always happen to read your stuff when I’m crabby and you always cheer me. Thanks, hon.

Woods: Alas, my teenage sons say that Fergie’s pants were most definitely good and I, too, was surprised that Fergie sang that well. However, her antics were disrespectful and self-serving. I’d love to have been backstage to see what the Wilson sisters really thought of it. They seemed a bit annoyed to me.

I forgot to add in my earlier comment that I think Annie Lennox is an absolutely phenomenal talent. She is above and beyond.

Did anyone besides me wonder how many times Amanda Overmeyer sighed with relief to NOT have participated in that Solid Gold Opening Tribute? Could you just imagine her in on that?

Just a note on Exxon Mobil…last year’s earnings were $39.5 billion (that’s with a “B,” folks!) Justify THAT with the foreign and domestic poverty depicted on the “Gives Back” program. I wonder if Chief Executive Rex Tillerson gave his share. I think he gets around $1.75 million per year, not including cash bonuses and restricted stock.

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