Maria continues on to quote Ghandi and a bunch of other spiritual leaders to emphasize to us that we should all volunteer our time and energy to organizations that need us. We don't need singing talent, we just need to be ourselves. Thanks, Maria! I am going to sign up to read to poor kindergarteners in the depths of LA. You're never to young for a Big Brother recap. Maria sounds like my mother, who always tells me that if I want to meet good, quality people to date that I should volunteer. Riiiiight. I never had visuals to back up my "oh hell no, woman!" until tonight, when Maria calls for a round of applause for real people who volunteer to make our world a better place:
Alright, you've got one minute with each of them. Don't curse and don't solicit sex. GO!
Ben Stiller follows with an even unfunnier act than last year. Poor guy. If you can't get an audience of 3.000 people to laugh at your lame ass when they are gathered together in the spirit of good will, you need to sit the fuck down. A short film with really sad music comes on next. Is that Jennifer Connelly? IT IS! I hope she cries or performs degrading sexual acts for a fix...nope. Not that kind of Jennifer Connelly movie.
This one is about a bunch of young skinny people filling up plastic gasoline containers full of water from a lake. Once their containers are full, they disperse to deliver them. One girl drops hers down the stairs. Lesson: bony bitches shouldn't be trusted to do anything important. Jennifer takes her water to this apartment with two little kids in it and fills up their glasses with the dirty stuff. They look at the glasses like "F YOU, JENNIFER CONNELLY!" I guess the point is river water is dirty. NO SHIT. Who gives that water to kids? Dumbass movie stars, that's who. And how bad are we supposed to feel for these brats when they're working on a bangin' MacBook Pro?
We just bought them a three thousand dollar computer and now they want clean water? INGRATES!
Snoop Dogg comes on to do the window wipe dance and perform a song that Tink prewarns us will be flashing all over your iTunes screen later. At first I think, Snoop can sing? No. That's just Little Richard. First his Geico commercial and now he's singing with Snoop? Who's this guy blowing?
Never change, Little Dick.
Little kids march onto the stage and wave and clap and I keep waiting for them to sing, or break dance, or something...nope. They just wave and clap. Otay. I would make fun of this number a bit more but I am bored and kinda scared that Snoop will punch me with his mic/knuckle/diamond/face crusher thing.
Sell that mic and save Darfur, dude.
After the song, Kobe Bryant shows up to tell us to give money up. It's inspiring that he showed up after getting what was most likely a spiked hooker stiletto to the cheek, but he's a trooper, that one.
Glad to see you're still truckin', playa.
Some douchebag wrestler named Preparation H comes on next and does his whole growelly act voice. Wow, AI. You're really pulling out the stops this year. Paula and Randy follow him. Paula tells us that kids in America are obese and something needs to be done about it. Then we are shown video of a trip they took together to check out a po Southern town in America. There are a lot of gangs and kids don't even come out of their homes because they don't wanna get shot. Save the Children runs an after school program though where they can get bananas and play basketball. This is all heartbreaking, but where are the fat kids? The video ends, and I realize that obesity had nothing to do with this segment. Paula just wanted to point out that our kids are fat. Hey, Paula. Go fuck yourself, k?
Carrie Underwood is in her dressing room and her sink's broken. Thankfully, Mike Delfino from Desperate Housewives is there to help her (it comes back Sunday don't forget OMG they are so giving to do this tonight when they are back on TV!! AAAAHHHHH!). Wait a second. Are we supposed to believe that 25 year old Carrie Underwood is trying to get into this bag of bones' pants? Come on now, Nigel. That's just sick. Teri Hatcher comes in and says that since Carrie is stealing her man, she's gonna steal her song. Oh no. Oh God please no.
Teri, you've never looked better!
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Comments (18)
Thanks for taking a bullet for the old home team! I fast forwarded through most of this (while wishing I'd cleaned my shower instead).
The New Orleans segment was the most optimistic. The whole housing situation in this country needs some serious thought.
Without some fundamental changes, mostly political, keeping more people alive in poor countries is sadly just a short term bandaid that will mainly result in even more poor children later. How about raising money to replace Mugabe with a democracy? (Teach a man to fish...)
1 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 10, 2008 12:05 PM
Love me some Manning brothers, but is it just me or does Eli look like Tucker Carlson?
2 of 18 | Posted by FanAttic | Posted on April 10, 2008 12:57 PM
There they are again, WHY do the gates of hell always ominously creak open beneath me--oh well, perhaps coz I FF'd most of the show, I didn't even watch Annie cry--what's happened to my soft marshmellowy heart, and why does Bono ALWAYS wear redonk sunglasses!!!! Is it me, it screams DOUCHE!!!! I know he's like (stop it GATES!) a nobel prize charity douche, but a DOUCHE (was that a flame singeing me) is always a DOUCHE!!!!
phew, I feel better and now I can make some heart smores!
Thanks for takin' this one on again, Flip It! and I got cut off too--and I missed Mariah, I heard . . . .Fergie looked and sounded hot--she can sing! My first Miley experience, just aiight, not awful, but how unflattering to have her boast about her (all because of the Disney machine) accomplishments . . . as if she's made it on her own with hard work and determination!
I also cannot look at her Dad and his douchey hair extensions, it must be embarrassing to go visit poor people while being all dolled up in Hollywood fakery!
3 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:08 PM
Just a little FYI: The correct person who performed with Snoop was Charlie Wilson NOT Little Richard. Charlie & Little Richard don't even look alike, and Snoop and Charlie have done a grip of songs together. It's common knowledge(at least amongst Snoop fans) that Charlie has been a big part of Snoops life & career.
4 of 18 | Posted by lalia | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:16 PM
I, too, dare I say it, was impressed with Fergie. I would NEVER have thought she could sing like that. I don't listen to her, so maybe that's why I didn't know. I have seen BEP performances, though and she always....kinda....sucked....
5 of 18 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:30 PM
OH MY GOD, Flipit! I forgot to thank you for the goddamnedest fucking hilarious recap, EVER.
Common cold? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!
6 of 18 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 10, 2008 4:43 PM
Excellent recap, Flipit, but extra hugs for including links to the charities where we can donate for ourselves.
7 of 18 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on April 10, 2008 5:09 PM
I love reading what you think of a show because you say all the things I say to the TV but I'm too chicken to post those same comments. Ilove you for that!! Great job once again and cudos for getting it posted so fast.
Brad Pitt was soooo dreamy!!!!
8 of 18 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on April 10, 2008 7:56 PM
LOL flipit! Most of that shit was depressing as hell, which I guess its supposed to be but damn, did they have to let Terri Hatcher SING!!!! I think I blacked out after that. Oh wait I remember seeing Fergie doing cartwheels in front of fat Anne and was hoping Anne would knock the hell out of her! Bitch.
Love ya!
9 of 18 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on April 10, 2008 8:41 PM
The last thing that I want to see on an "Idol gives back", or a regular Idol, or really anything is fucking Kobe Bryant. Is he supposed to be inspiring?
10 of 18 | Posted by addicted | Posted on April 11, 2008 5:21 AM
Flip, bravo . . . a f-ing masterpiece. I only watched this during commercials and intermissions of the Devil-Rangers game 1 (damn you, Lundqvist!), but I have to admit, Teri Hatcher didn't suck, Carrie Underwood and Fergie were amazing, and Annie Lenox was incredible. Why isn't she more famous? She should by all rights be this generation's Aretha Franklin.
11 of 18 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on April 11, 2008 6:26 AM
Those who are praising Fergie's stage-hogging during the Heart number must have been born after 1980. (Wait, all of the Idol contestants are that young, too. Um, why the hell do I watch this show again???)
I was stoked to see Heart onstage, but I began getting pissed when Fergie first strutted out to sing WITH Heart. WTF??? THEN, when she did the whole Marilyn Monroe-esque self-boob graze complete with hair extension flick, writhed on the floor, and then a fuckin' cartwheel??? And did ya see when she sorta tousled Ann's hair as she walked behind her? I wanted so much for Ann to turn around and swat her like a mosquito or for Nancy to her famous guitar kick and accidentally on purpose take out one of Fergie's teeth.
Ann and Nancy are hot because they've always been strong women. (RE: their songs don't necessarily have to call attention to things like, oh, I dunno..."lovely lady humps" or shit like that.)
Fergie should have recognized and stayed off-stage while some true rockers showed their staying power.
12 of 18 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on April 11, 2008 6:43 AM
Flipit, once again you have outdone yourself! That was f'n HIlarious! I just wanna say, thank you so much for being you. You. Rock.
13 of 18 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on April 11, 2008 7:20 AM
Flipit - I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the excellent recap! Made me laugh on this crappy Friday morning (you all don't know me - but I am a miserable piece of shit until about 11am)
"Ok, ok! I'll call! Wait brb someone's AIMing me"
....fing brilliant!!
14 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on April 11, 2008 7:33 AM
Was that the cop from heroes on drums? If he could read my mind he would hear "Play louder so i don't have to listen to that terrible screeching woman!"
15 of 18 | Posted by ibanez_bw | Posted on April 11, 2008 9:07 AM
hey guys!! thanks for the comments. i am a miserable bitch til around noon so this totally helped. and agree one hundred percent about fergie and annie lennox. fergie is lucky she still has her bones intact and annie lennox needs to never retire ever.
oh and i am completely and utterly shocked that that wasn't little richard. thanks for the heads up. xo flip
16 of 18 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 11, 2008 11:12 AM
Hey Voice--
I totally agree with you that Fergie could NEVER be in the same ball park as Ann and Nancy, but I was also surprised she could sing that well. I didn't hear the song she sang with Legend so I can't comment on that. It was ridiculous, though, her nasty floor humping and gyrating between Ann and Nancy. She actually sort of reminded me of "Youth Gone Wild" era Sebastian Bach with her leather pants and long blond hair. I am still not sure if that's good or bad.
17 of 18 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 11, 2008 11:27 AM
Flipit, darling, you have a gift. I always happen to read your stuff when I’m crabby and you always cheer me. Thanks, hon.
Woods: Alas, my teenage sons say that Fergie’s pants were most definitely good and I, too, was surprised that Fergie sang that well. However, her antics were disrespectful and self-serving. I’d love to have been backstage to see what the Wilson sisters really thought of it. They seemed a bit annoyed to me.
I forgot to add in my earlier comment that I think Annie Lennox is an absolutely phenomenal talent. She is above and beyond.
Did anyone besides me wonder how many times Amanda Overmeyer sighed with relief to NOT have participated in that Solid Gold Opening Tribute? Could you just imagine her in on that?
Just a note on Exxon Mobil…last year’s earnings were $39.5 billion (that’s with a “B,” folks!) Justify THAT with the foreign and domestic poverty depicted on the “Gives Back” program. I wonder if Chief Executive Rex Tillerson gave his share. I think he gets around $1.75 million per year, not including cash bonuses and restricted stock.
18 of 18 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on April 11, 2008 4:01 PM