Ouch. Teri takes the stage and awkwardly and painfully makes her way through "Before He Cheats" and how the hell did this even happen? I get that she and Tink had drinks at some gay bar and thought this would be the best idea ever, but who LET them do it? I don't care what anyone says, I love me some Desperate Housewives, and I even love Teri because she plays the sweetest little loser ever. When she does it in real life though, it just makes me sad. Thankfully, she's followed by Mary Murphy's crazy butt in camouflage! YAY!

Picture 5-8
Wait. Where is she? I can only see her head and her hands.

Mary does her trademark scream and says that she's gonna continue screeching like that until we pick up our phones and donate, or turn off our TVs. Teri Hatcher followed by Mary Murphy screaming her plastic face off. Nice work, Nigel. Speaking of, Nigel pops up on screen holding his ears and begging us to call because he can't take this much longer. You're not the only one. Did you hear that? I always wondered what it would sound like when eight bazillion TVs turned off at the same time. Sorry, starving children. You're screwed.

After a long relaxing commercial break, Billy Crystal comes out. He makes fun of Randy's "dawg" thing. Groundbreaking as usual, Billy. Then he introduces Miley Cyrus and gives her advice on performing to big crowds, then she gives him crap about being old. They're both terribly natural as they battle for applause while masturbating their resumes all over us. He comes off like a dick, and then she comes off like a dick. Well done. You're both a holes. I totally want to help people now. Who put this together? This show sucks ass.

Miley jumps all over the stage and sings in her squeaky being driven over a bumpy road voice while she thrashes her head and gets all punk rock with the mic stand. Now, that's rock and roll. I'll bet she went back to her dressing room and threw up all over herself.

Picture 6-5
Hi there. I'd like to donate to the fat kids. No, no. Just the fat kids. No, why do you keep saying Africa? I want. My money. To go. To fat. Kids. Yes, I'll hold.

The contestants are all gathered in the phone bank taking calls. Riiiight. You know they're all just mouthing "watermelon watermelon peas and carrots" as Tink flits around them. At first, they all seem to be impressed with the MacBook Airs they've all been outfitted with, but by the time Tink gets to the end of his segment, they are bitching audibly about the shitty battery life and slow ass hard drive.

We're about thirty five minutes into the show now, so let's recap. We've heard from Little Richard/Snoop Dogg, Teri Hatcher, and Hanna Montana. Tink gives credit to the sponsors, which include numerous giant corporations I won't mention here because I'm too lazy. Hey, guys. How bout each of you donate ten percent of your profits for a month and GET OFF MY BACK? Thanks.

One of the companies that is sponsoring tonight's show is MAC makeup, who funds AIDS research by selling a lipstick called VivaGlam. I don't know why that cracks me up, but it does. "That is the ho-iest lipstick I have ever seen you wear." "Shut up! It's funding AIDS research." "My bad. Ho on, sista." Speaking of, where there's an AIDS in Africa, there's a Bono. He introduces us to a family that has been ripped apart by the disease and it is really so sad. Bono asks a little girl what she wants to say to America and she tells the camera that she wants us to keep watching the show even though Teri Hatcher tempted you not to and to please help her. Aw. I pick up the phone to donate and she adds "and I want a MacBook Air, please." Dammit! I was almost fooled by that little crook!

Picture 7-7
Come on, people. Bono gave his left hand. The least you could do is spare a buck or two.


Biggest shock of the night so far, Julianne Moore can't read cue cards for shit. Movie stars.

Picture 1-19
The Holocaust didn't happen. Wait, who wrote that? Guys, stop trying to make me look stoopid!

Idol Gives Back 2: Give Me the Two and a Half Hours You Stole From Me and I'll Send My Own Goddamn Mosquito Net Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6  |  7 

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Comments (18)

fire@will:

Thanks for taking a bullet for the old home team! I fast forwarded through most of this (while wishing I'd cleaned my shower instead).

The New Orleans segment was the most optimistic. The whole housing situation in this country needs some serious thought.

Without some fundamental changes, mostly political, keeping more people alive in poor countries is sadly just a short term bandaid that will mainly result in even more poor children later. How about raising money to replace Mugabe with a democracy? (Teach a man to fish...)

FanAttic:

Love me some Manning brothers, but is it just me or does Eli look like Tucker Carlson?

juddfan:

There they are again, WHY do the gates of hell always ominously creak open beneath me--oh well, perhaps coz I FF'd most of the show, I didn't even watch Annie cry--what's happened to my soft marshmellowy heart, and why does Bono ALWAYS wear redonk sunglasses!!!! Is it me, it screams DOUCHE!!!! I know he's like (stop it GATES!) a nobel prize charity douche, but a DOUCHE (was that a flame singeing me) is always a DOUCHE!!!!

phew, I feel better and now I can make some heart smores!

Thanks for takin' this one on again, Flip It! and I got cut off too--and I missed Mariah, I heard . . . .Fergie looked and sounded hot--she can sing! My first Miley experience, just aiight, not awful, but how unflattering to have her boast about her (all because of the Disney machine) accomplishments . . . as if she's made it on her own with hard work and determination!

I also cannot look at her Dad and his douchey hair extensions, it must be embarrassing to go visit poor people while being all dolled up in Hollywood fakery!

lalia:

Just a little FYI: The correct person who performed with Snoop was Charlie Wilson NOT Little Richard. Charlie & Little Richard don't even look alike, and Snoop and Charlie have done a grip of songs together. It's common knowledge(at least amongst Snoop fans) that Charlie has been a big part of Snoops life & career.

james woods rules:

I, too, dare I say it, was impressed with Fergie. I would NEVER have thought she could sing like that. I don't listen to her, so maybe that's why I didn't know. I have seen BEP performances, though and she always....kinda....sucked....

james woods rules:

OH MY GOD, Flipit! I forgot to thank you for the goddamnedest fucking hilarious recap, EVER.

Common cold? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!

greeneyes:

Excellent recap, Flipit, but extra hugs for including links to the charities where we can donate for ourselves.

chooch850:

I love reading what you think of a show because you say all the things I say to the TV but I'm too chicken to post those same comments. Ilove you for that!! Great job once again and cudos for getting it posted so fast.

Brad Pitt was soooo dreamy!!!!

CheriesTake:

LOL flipit! Most of that shit was depressing as hell, which I guess its supposed to be but damn, did they have to let Terri Hatcher SING!!!! I think I blacked out after that. Oh wait I remember seeing Fergie doing cartwheels in front of fat Anne and was hoping Anne would knock the hell out of her! Bitch.
Love ya!

addicted:

The last thing that I want to see on an "Idol gives back", or a regular Idol, or really anything is fucking Kobe Bryant. Is he supposed to be inspiring?

JasonR:

Flip, bravo . . . a f-ing masterpiece. I only watched this during commercials and intermissions of the Devil-Rangers game 1 (damn you, Lundqvist!), but I have to admit, Teri Hatcher didn't suck, Carrie Underwood and Fergie were amazing, and Annie Lenox was incredible. Why isn't she more famous? She should by all rights be this generation's Aretha Franklin.

TheVoiceOfReason:

Those who are praising Fergie's stage-hogging during the Heart number must have been born after 1980. (Wait, all of the Idol contestants are that young, too. Um, why the hell do I watch this show again???)
I was stoked to see Heart onstage, but I began getting pissed when Fergie first strutted out to sing WITH Heart. WTF??? THEN, when she did the whole Marilyn Monroe-esque self-boob graze complete with hair extension flick, writhed on the floor, and then a fuckin' cartwheel??? And did ya see when she sorta tousled Ann's hair as she walked behind her? I wanted so much for Ann to turn around and swat her like a mosquito or for Nancy to her famous guitar kick and accidentally on purpose take out one of Fergie's teeth.
Ann and Nancy are hot because they've always been strong women. (RE: their songs don't necessarily have to call attention to things like, oh, I dunno..."lovely lady humps" or shit like that.)
Fergie should have recognized and stayed off-stage while some true rockers showed their staying power.

renoblondee:

Flipit, once again you have outdone yourself! That was f'n HIlarious! I just wanna say, thank you so much for being you. You. Rock.

carmelicious:

Flipit - I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the excellent recap! Made me laugh on this crappy Friday morning (you all don't know me - but I am a miserable piece of shit until about 11am)

"Ok, ok! I'll call! Wait brb someone's AIMing me"
....fing brilliant!!

ibanez_bw:

Was that the cop from heroes on drums? If he could read my mind he would hear "Play louder so i don't have to listen to that terrible screeching woman!"

Anonymous:

hey guys!! thanks for the comments. i am a miserable bitch til around noon so this totally helped. and agree one hundred percent about fergie and annie lennox. fergie is lucky she still has her bones intact and annie lennox needs to never retire ever.

oh and i am completely and utterly shocked that that wasn't little richard. thanks for the heads up. xo flip

james woods rules:

Hey Voice--
I totally agree with you that Fergie could NEVER be in the same ball park as Ann and Nancy, but I was also surprised she could sing that well. I didn't hear the song she sang with Legend so I can't comment on that. It was ridiculous, though, her nasty floor humping and gyrating between Ann and Nancy. She actually sort of reminded me of "Youth Gone Wild" era Sebastian Bach with her leather pants and long blond hair. I am still not sure if that's good or bad.

TheVoiceOfReason:

Flipit, darling, you have a gift. I always happen to read your stuff when I’m crabby and you always cheer me. Thanks, hon.

Woods: Alas, my teenage sons say that Fergie’s pants were most definitely good and I, too, was surprised that Fergie sang that well. However, her antics were disrespectful and self-serving. I’d love to have been backstage to see what the Wilson sisters really thought of it. They seemed a bit annoyed to me.

I forgot to add in my earlier comment that I think Annie Lennox is an absolutely phenomenal talent. She is above and beyond.

Did anyone besides me wonder how many times Amanda Overmeyer sighed with relief to NOT have participated in that Solid Gold Opening Tribute? Could you just imagine her in on that?

Just a note on Exxon Mobil…last year’s earnings were $39.5 billion (that’s with a “B,” folks!) Justify THAT with the foreign and domestic poverty depicted on the “Gives Back” program. I wonder if Chief Executive Rex Tillerson gave his share. I think he gets around $1.75 million per year, not including cash bonuses and restricted stock.

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