Where were we? I forgot. Anyway, Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, reiterates that we could save a kid with a ten dollar net, and then he pledges twenty million nets from Great Britain! DAMN! The audience just gives him polite applause. Come on, assholes. I know he's just a pasty white dude who talks funny and he's not current and sexy like Gloria Estefan, show some signs of life. That's two hundred million bucks. Get on your fucking feet. Tink has the same reaction I do. He tells the audience what twenty million times ten is. Crickets. Then he starts clapping for them and they join in and start screaming. Sheep.
Next up is Reese Witherspoon! Love her. It's funny, because every time I hear her name or see her, I think of our own commenter, ReeseWitherspoon. This is very jarring because our ReeseWitherspoon is delightfully up front, sarcastic and vulgar, and I like to pretend that it's really the real life Reese Witherspoon getting out her true feelings while being too stupid to come up with a screen name. Anyway, the real Reese talks about how important it is to educate our own dumb kids here in America, and that's a great sentiment, but I can't stop staring at the shadow of her chin. She's like a human sun dial.
It's 6 o'clock, do you know where your ignant kids are?
Reese shows us a video that was made of her traveling to New Orleans to visit a family that is poor because the mom is addicted to hair products and keeps spending all their money to look gorgeous. So, so sad.
That do could have paid for private school, but nooooooo.
Reese looks a little uncomfortable in the clips, but she always looks like that. That stick up her butt is what's endeared us to her! Never take it out, Reese! Oh, yeah, and donate to schools or something. Since that segment wasn't about AIDS, the Idols are brought out to sing a song from Rent. It sounds bland and boring at the start, but then a choir is added and it starts to kick. Why was Kristy Lee given the big black woman solo? She, obviously, bones it. No one saves it until the Fetus knocks it out of the park. And Syesha turns in another good one. I hate that I am liking her. Did Brooke do anything in that song? Maybe they are afraid she'll go into performance convulsions without a piano.
Dane Cook comes out to introduce a "journey through Africa" starring Alicia Keys that we can download off iTunes for free. He jokes that we can download his journey across Burbank for six bucks. HA. That I would download. Alicia makes a good point in the clip we are shown. The AIDS crisis would be solved if we spent even half our time focusing on it's stories rather than celebrity drama. But then how would we solve the Britney crisis? Get your head out of your cornhole, Alicia!
And now! Saving their big guns for last! Welcome....Hanna Montana again. This girl marches and bounces and bangs her had against the air more than anyone I've seen in awhile. She's gonna have head trauma. I can't judge her singing well because I had to press mute. All I can say is, couldn't you change your jeans? You're on TV. I just can't get behind this girl. Her extreme confidence bugs me. You're 15! You're supposed to hate yourself right now!!!
No fair. I was hiding under the bleachers with a box of Little Debbie Brownies when I was your age.
Hannah and her dad travel to Kentucky to check out the poor people there. It's everything you'd think. Trailers, mullets, toothlessness. We spend most of our time with one family. The mom says that she really wants help for her kids, and you're soulless if you don't feel bad for them. Then Hannah Montana gives them some books and the family's all "ooooh! Boooks!" Then they throw them in the fire that's raging in the trash can.
Thanks. It was really cold in here.
We're nearing the end of the road here, and Nigel seems to sense that we're not feeling enough hopelessness. His solution? He brings out Robin Williams in leather pants.
Feel it now?
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Comments (18)
Thanks for taking a bullet for the old home team! I fast forwarded through most of this (while wishing I'd cleaned my shower instead).
The New Orleans segment was the most optimistic. The whole housing situation in this country needs some serious thought.
Without some fundamental changes, mostly political, keeping more people alive in poor countries is sadly just a short term bandaid that will mainly result in even more poor children later. How about raising money to replace Mugabe with a democracy? (Teach a man to fish...)
1 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 10, 2008 12:05 PM
Love me some Manning brothers, but is it just me or does Eli look like Tucker Carlson?
2 of 18 | Posted by FanAttic | Posted on April 10, 2008 12:57 PM
There they are again, WHY do the gates of hell always ominously creak open beneath me--oh well, perhaps coz I FF'd most of the show, I didn't even watch Annie cry--what's happened to my soft marshmellowy heart, and why does Bono ALWAYS wear redonk sunglasses!!!! Is it me, it screams DOUCHE!!!! I know he's like (stop it GATES!) a nobel prize charity douche, but a DOUCHE (was that a flame singeing me) is always a DOUCHE!!!!
phew, I feel better and now I can make some heart smores!
Thanks for takin' this one on again, Flip It! and I got cut off too--and I missed Mariah, I heard . . . .Fergie looked and sounded hot--she can sing! My first Miley experience, just aiight, not awful, but how unflattering to have her boast about her (all because of the Disney machine) accomplishments . . . as if she's made it on her own with hard work and determination!
I also cannot look at her Dad and his douchey hair extensions, it must be embarrassing to go visit poor people while being all dolled up in Hollywood fakery!
3 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:08 PM
Just a little FYI: The correct person who performed with Snoop was Charlie Wilson NOT Little Richard. Charlie & Little Richard don't even look alike, and Snoop and Charlie have done a grip of songs together. It's common knowledge(at least amongst Snoop fans) that Charlie has been a big part of Snoops life & career.
4 of 18 | Posted by lalia | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:16 PM
I, too, dare I say it, was impressed with Fergie. I would NEVER have thought she could sing like that. I don't listen to her, so maybe that's why I didn't know. I have seen BEP performances, though and she always....kinda....sucked....
5 of 18 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:30 PM
OH MY GOD, Flipit! I forgot to thank you for the goddamnedest fucking hilarious recap, EVER.
Common cold? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!
6 of 18 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 10, 2008 4:43 PM
Excellent recap, Flipit, but extra hugs for including links to the charities where we can donate for ourselves.
7 of 18 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on April 10, 2008 5:09 PM
I love reading what you think of a show because you say all the things I say to the TV but I'm too chicken to post those same comments. Ilove you for that!! Great job once again and cudos for getting it posted so fast.
Brad Pitt was soooo dreamy!!!!
8 of 18 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on April 10, 2008 7:56 PM
LOL flipit! Most of that shit was depressing as hell, which I guess its supposed to be but damn, did they have to let Terri Hatcher SING!!!! I think I blacked out after that. Oh wait I remember seeing Fergie doing cartwheels in front of fat Anne and was hoping Anne would knock the hell out of her! Bitch.
Love ya!
9 of 18 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on April 10, 2008 8:41 PM
The last thing that I want to see on an "Idol gives back", or a regular Idol, or really anything is fucking Kobe Bryant. Is he supposed to be inspiring?
10 of 18 | Posted by addicted | Posted on April 11, 2008 5:21 AM
Flip, bravo . . . a f-ing masterpiece. I only watched this during commercials and intermissions of the Devil-Rangers game 1 (damn you, Lundqvist!), but I have to admit, Teri Hatcher didn't suck, Carrie Underwood and Fergie were amazing, and Annie Lenox was incredible. Why isn't she more famous? She should by all rights be this generation's Aretha Franklin.
11 of 18 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on April 11, 2008 6:26 AM
Those who are praising Fergie's stage-hogging during the Heart number must have been born after 1980. (Wait, all of the Idol contestants are that young, too. Um, why the hell do I watch this show again???)
I was stoked to see Heart onstage, but I began getting pissed when Fergie first strutted out to sing WITH Heart. WTF??? THEN, when she did the whole Marilyn Monroe-esque self-boob graze complete with hair extension flick, writhed on the floor, and then a fuckin' cartwheel??? And did ya see when she sorta tousled Ann's hair as she walked behind her? I wanted so much for Ann to turn around and swat her like a mosquito or for Nancy to her famous guitar kick and accidentally on purpose take out one of Fergie's teeth.
Ann and Nancy are hot because they've always been strong women. (RE: their songs don't necessarily have to call attention to things like, oh, I dunno..."lovely lady humps" or shit like that.)
Fergie should have recognized and stayed off-stage while some true rockers showed their staying power.
12 of 18 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on April 11, 2008 6:43 AM
Flipit, once again you have outdone yourself! That was f'n HIlarious! I just wanna say, thank you so much for being you. You. Rock.
13 of 18 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on April 11, 2008 7:20 AM
Flipit - I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the excellent recap! Made me laugh on this crappy Friday morning (you all don't know me - but I am a miserable piece of shit until about 11am)
"Ok, ok! I'll call! Wait brb someone's AIMing me"
....fing brilliant!!
14 of 18 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on April 11, 2008 7:33 AM
Was that the cop from heroes on drums? If he could read my mind he would hear "Play louder so i don't have to listen to that terrible screeching woman!"
15 of 18 | Posted by ibanez_bw | Posted on April 11, 2008 9:07 AM
hey guys!! thanks for the comments. i am a miserable bitch til around noon so this totally helped. and agree one hundred percent about fergie and annie lennox. fergie is lucky she still has her bones intact and annie lennox needs to never retire ever.
oh and i am completely and utterly shocked that that wasn't little richard. thanks for the heads up. xo flip
16 of 18 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 11, 2008 11:12 AM
Hey Voice--
I totally agree with you that Fergie could NEVER be in the same ball park as Ann and Nancy, but I was also surprised she could sing that well. I didn't hear the song she sang with Legend so I can't comment on that. It was ridiculous, though, her nasty floor humping and gyrating between Ann and Nancy. She actually sort of reminded me of "Youth Gone Wild" era Sebastian Bach with her leather pants and long blond hair. I am still not sure if that's good or bad.
17 of 18 | Posted by james woods rules | Posted on April 11, 2008 11:27 AM
Flipit, darling, you have a gift. I always happen to read your stuff when I’m crabby and you always cheer me. Thanks, hon.
Woods: Alas, my teenage sons say that Fergie’s pants were most definitely good and I, too, was surprised that Fergie sang that well. However, her antics were disrespectful and self-serving. I’d love to have been backstage to see what the Wilson sisters really thought of it. They seemed a bit annoyed to me.
I forgot to add in my earlier comment that I think Annie Lennox is an absolutely phenomenal talent. She is above and beyond.
Did anyone besides me wonder how many times Amanda Overmeyer sighed with relief to NOT have participated in that Solid Gold Opening Tribute? Could you just imagine her in on that?
Just a note on Exxon Mobil…last year’s earnings were $39.5 billion (that’s with a “B,” folks!) Justify THAT with the foreign and domestic poverty depicted on the “Gives Back” program. I wonder if Chief Executive Rex Tillerson gave his share. I think he gets around $1.75 million per year, not including cash bonuses and restricted stock.
18 of 18 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on April 11, 2008 4:01 PM