Well, in the interest of me not losing my mind, I'm not going to analyze every single audition that flitters across the screen (but by all means, feel free to discuss them in the comments section). Instead, I'll only talk about the ones that I found memorable.

The first noteworthy auditioner of the day was Marlows Davis. He came from the young, effeminate, and deluded camp -- sort of like last season's alleged Toni Braxton cousin. Anyway, Marlows was confident he would blow away the judges. So much so that he wasn't even nervous. In fact, he felt like he was about to sing for fans who knew and embraced his smooth vocal stylings. "Sorry Usher. You have to step aside. Marlows is in town," he said. Sadly for Marlows, he was about to realize that singing in front of the nation was a whole heck of a lot harder than crooning off some random notes for Ma and Pa. Well, he stepped in front of the judges and had a refreshing idea: sing Alicia Keys! Like many before him, Marlows belted out his rendition of "Falling," and in an ever-so-kind move, he spared us the aggravation of listening to all those annoying "notes." Instead, he seemed to pick three or four random tones and ran with it.

Not running with him, however, were the judges who easily rejected him from the competition. "Please, I came such a long way," Marlows pleaded.

"Where you from?" Randy asked.

"Denver, Colorado," Marlows responded. You guys don't understand. He had to travel like three blocks. That's hard when you're talentless. Still, he tried to sell himself.

"You guys didn't like the range of my voice or nothing?" he asked. Range? I've seen dot-matrix printers with more range than you. (snap!)

Fear not, Usher. Your reign atop breathy R&B remains.

Next came a girl who could best be described as the poster child for pro-lobotomy advocacy groups. Her name was Tiffany, and she came bounding into our lives full of bouncy, please-shoot-me energy. "I-I-I-I-I'm here for the party! And I ain't leavin' 'till they throw me out!" she squawked as the horrified panel of judges looked on. For the love of all things audible, please silence this girl.

After a brief montage of crappy singers (including one brave girl who managed to butcher Paula's very own butcher-proof classic, "Straight Up"), we finally had our first glimpse of talent with a girl named Lisa Tucker. She was only sixteen, but she had pipes like a pre-cracked out Whitney Houston. Okay, maybe not that good, but hey, she was an up and coming star according to Variety Magazine, or as they put it, "Singing Star's Skein Should Net Boffo Box Office Unless Par and Uni Ankle Shingle."