As the show begins, we notice some regrettable fashion missteps right off the bat. First, Ryan Seacrest tries to be manly by growing something on his face. More than stubble but less than a beard, it's kind of like the pre-pubescent 13-year-old of facial hair -- not quite a child, but far from a man. Nevertheless, I think we can all appreciate the inherent symbolism of Ryan growing a beard the same week he appears on camera smooching Teri Hatcher.

Ryan's not the only one with a fashion transgression. Mr. Randy Jackson manages to cause a few double takes with his bright red vest. I think it may have been an attempted homage to the country genre, but honestly, it looks like he simply took an old box of Valentine's Day candies and fashioned some crude garment out of it. Ryan later says he looks like Cupid, but I don't agree on account of Cupid having wings, a harp, a little white toga, and NOT LOOKING ANYTHING LIKE RANDY.

For this week's country theme, the singers are lucky enough to have The Gambler himself provide a little advice. Yes, Kenny Rogers shows up to lend a hand, and dammit if he hasn't gone all metrosexual on us. His hair is now short and layered, and he sports a youthful ensemble which I immediately hate. Carson Kresley: we want our old Kenny Rogers back.

That's not going to be good for business.

First up is Taylor Hicks. I've never been crazy about this guy, but at least he always has fun with his songs. Not the case this week. Taylor seems off key and out of it as he plods through his country ditty. If Taylor can't bring life to the music, I fear what the rest of the evening will have in store for us.

Our thoughts exactly.

Randy gives thumbs down to the performance, saying it was boring, and Paula starts her critique by saying, "You know I love you, Taylor." In Paula-speak, that's her way of saying, "You were really terrible and boring tonight." Simon calls the performance "safe, boring, lazy," and later, the zing-addicted Ryan goes for the yuk-yuk by saying, "Safe, boring, and lazy: Simon's love life, ladies and gentlemen."

Anyone else getting sick of Ryan's bitterness? Hey Ryan. You're just the host. SHUT UP. Simon being a dick = cool. Ryan being a dick = lame.