First of the 11,000 people who auditioned was a girl named Erica Skye (or as she pronounced it, "Ska"). She was a student at Auburn, and if singing didn't work out, she wanted to go into the dental field. Memo to self: avoid all dental practices in Birmingham.

Anyway, Erica sang "Unchained Melody," which she credited to Leanne Rimes, and here's a shock: she couldn't hit any of the high notes. This certainly wasn't the worst of auditions, but it was fairly out of tune, despite what her friends who were listening at the door might have said. "She hit 'em!" claimed one girl, who must have had the earphones to her iPod still in because there was no note Erica hit.

Sure enough, the judges panned her, with Simon saying, "Erica, you are an absolutely hopeless singer." The other judges agreed, but Erica was not about to go off to the dental field so easily. She began singing some Dixie Chicks song and was so annoying that Paula had to actually leave her chair and cower in the corner, lest Erica's voice trigger violent Oxycontin-based hallucinations. At long last, Erica slunk out of the room, but not before brushing dust off her should, a little Fuck-You-From-The-Dental-Community gesture.

We then saw a montage of crying failures, and once that was out of the system, we met Katie Bernard from Orlando. She had a unique situation in that her voice was crazy high pitched -- kind of like the squeaky heir to Carol Kane. However, she claimed that her singing voice was deeper and more tolerable. Well, I couldn't be more intrigued. Could this girl actually cary a tune? The answer, surprisingly, was yes. She sang "A House Is Not A Home," and even though her performance was muddled with affectations and melisma, we could hear that her voice was actually pretty good. And completely different too.

When it came time for judging, Randy gave her a yes. Paula, meanwhile, suddenly wound up on the floor, kneeling at the table like an orphan begging for porridge. She didn't know what to say, and since Simon gave Katie a no, it was all on our druggy (and breasty) singer in the middle. To help her make the decision, Paula then asked Katie's husband to come in the room, and as you can imagine, he was quite the sight. He wore a polo shirt buttoned to the top with the collar sticking up -- a lame attempt to be trendy. It was almost enough to distract from his goofy grin and wide eyes, symptoms of being totally, unabashedly starstruck. Honestly, he seemed barely able to even say a word, but that's okay because Katie made up for it with nonstop babble about why she should be accepted to Hollywood. She went on and on, her voice getting higher and faster. SHUT UP! At last, Paula melted and said yes. Congratulations! She was going to Hollywood (where she'll certainly be rejected after one week).

Next up was Tatiana McConnico, who for some reason I thought would be bad, despite attending a performing arts high school. I was wrong. Tatiana was good. She was very good. A super-fidgety Paula giggled with approval. You know how this story ends: you're going to Hollywood, dawg!