I was at Starbucks when I first heard the dish. This old dude wandered into an apartment building with a cigarette, fell asleep, and lit himself on fire. Can you imagine? What was an old homeless dude doin' in some random apartment building choking on vanilla ice cream and starting himself on fire? For a second I thought of his sad charring body, but then I thought to myself, I can't wait to see who gets kicked off Idol! Weird coincedence, there was a fire at my front door this morning. My room mate was pissed. Crazy, right?
I had it all figured out. The Ho was gonna go, the chunky black chicks were in like Flynn, and the sweet Jester would get a slap on his limp wrist for boring the Queen. Just goes to show you, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. But that's the point! Because this is America! And THIS. Is American Idol!
In this week's Ford commercial, Glocksen arrives at the Econo Wash with her giant, gas guzzling Jeep covered in mud. Luckily, our Idols are there to clean up the mess! They did laundry a couple of weeks ago. I'm gonna buy a Ford just to get the cigarette butts and that pile of ashes swept out of my hallway.
The inside of the Car Wash is an Island Paradise! The Idols coo out "One Love" while they trade Mousketeer smiles and cracker moves. Some things are just too beautiful to describe with words. Enjoy.
When the Jeep comes out of the wash, we see that it's not only the mud that was washed away. It was the sin of over-consumption! The hideous, evil gas guzzler has been turned into a sleek, homogenous and politically correct green SUV with HYBRID stamped on it. And Kermit the Frog's in the front seat! Aw! Kermie! He says "I love being green!" Woah! Brakes! Screeeeeeech! "It's Not Easy Being Green" is about the pain of being different, not the self-satisfaction of feeling accepted by the swelling masses of brainwashed tree huggin' global warming pod people. Leave my childhood icon out of your propaganda, Ford! And shame on you, Muppet Makers, for letting The Man stick his hand so firmly up the frog's ass.
The new SUV looks way cuter now, but unfortunately the wash didn't have the same affect on Glocksen. She did, however, get the power of levitation.
Tink taunts us with flights of fame fancy. The American Idol Songwriting Competition begins now! Instead of forcing the next Idol to release a machine made crapfest of a victory song, the producers have decided instead to force the next Idol to release a viewer penned crapfest of a victory song. That's right! It's up to you, America! You could be responsible for the next wave of violent ear terrorism in grocery stores and elevators all across the country for the next year or five. I'm totally entering. I think this guy should, too.*
The fairy groups the contestants into three groups of three. Who's top and who's bottom? LaKisha, Doolittle and Sparks are the top group, no surprise there, and even though Blake, Chris R and Sanjaya are all total bottoms, they're in the middle this week vote wise, leaving Glocksen, Haley's legs, and Powder in the bottom three. I am surprised by Glocksen, even though her dress is telling me not to be.
And now for the Idol Challenge! Last week's winner is Heidi from Alaska, and let's just say the producer's waddle fetish is getting out of control.
Tonight's question is: "What former contestant was lovingly referred to as Chicken Little?
I am thinking Chicken Little, but it's just so obvious! I'm going with Tyne Daly. She likes chicken.
Tony Bennett has called in sick! Boooooo!!!! I have a whole bag of incontinence jokes stored up! Dammit. I'm gonna have to prank call my Meemaw in my McGruff the Crime Dog voice and hurl them at her answering machine as soon as credits roll. Can't waste solid hack old people in diapers material. Tony Bennett, my Meemaw's going to be in tears tonight, and it's all your fault! Who in the world will be available to step in with such short notice? Phew. Thank God Michael Buble's not booked. Ever. Don't know who he is? Then you're not watching enough infomercials! In his defense, he looks as shocked that he's there as I am. Don't be nervous, Buble! You'll do fine!
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Comments (20)
*Thanks for the tip, Lizardqueen!
1 of 20 | Posted by Flipit![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 2:01 AM
In the second paragraph, why do you have to refer to no neck and Lakisha as the "chunky black chicks?" Is black the only adjective you can come up with? How about "no neck and little Aritha, or the "two husky divas?"
As a slim and fabulous black chick myself, it always irritates me when everyone gets an adjective but the black people are reduced to "the black people." you see what I'm saying? Anyhoo, just a nitpick...
love the recap though. I can't even think of Powder's real name anymore, he's just Powder. and it was certainly time for fake rocker to go. vote sanjaya!!
2 of 20 | Posted by sweet j![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 6:15 AM
i hear ya, sweet j. no offense intended.
3 of 20 | Posted by Flipit![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 8:16 AM
Dude, Buble was SMASHED. He was drinking from Paula's coca-cola cup, if ya know what I mean. I thought he was gonna grab Tink's ass then fall off the stage
4 of 20 | Posted by Justine![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 8:44 AM
Yeah, the "chunky black chick" thing rubbed me the wrong way, too.
Other than that, pretty hilarious recap!
5 of 20 | Posted by AC | Posted on April 6, 2007 8:50 AM
Also why do you have to refer to them as chicks. I would appreciate it if you didn't make any reference to their sex. Next time please say the "two people" are safe.
6 of 20 | Posted by PuffMatty | Posted on April 6, 2007 9:17 AM
anonymous -
puff's comment is dripping w/ sarcasm...drip drip drip...
and i agree. no harm, no foul. keep up the good work!
7 of 20 | Posted by scribbles531![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 10:01 AM
Please don't use the term "people."
Please say "byproduct of mass American consumerism" instead.
Good recap otherwise. :)
8 of 20 | Posted by cajah | Posted on April 6, 2007 10:04 AM
Wow, you people are ignorant.
9 of 20 | Posted by AC | Posted on April 6, 2007 10:28 AM
FLIP IT - "i LOVE me some fantasia. her albums suck it, but i love love love her."
RE: I can't agree with you more. She is THE BEST AI contestant, period. I don't think anyone can replace her raw vocal talent, and her performances were out of this world. you're right about her albums. They're a little too urban for my taste. But no one can replicate the special moments that she had, like when she performed summertime/the greatest love of all/I believe. AI was at it's prime. Then we got Hicks, and it all went down hill from there.
Thank God for Doolittle...
10 of 20 | Posted by roleepolee![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 10:37 AM
Me thinks you've been dipping into Paula's stash...
11 of 20 | Posted by WhoDaGuy | Posted on April 6, 2007 11:35 AM
I knew Gina wasn't going to win, but I'm going to be sad for every loser that goes home while Sanjaya (or as I prefer, Mangina) is still there.
12 of 20 | Posted by dacoyle![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 3:21 PM
Gina really didn't deserve to go.... Even though I knew Sanjaya wasn't going, I really thought it was going to be Hobags... i mean Haley... no... I meant Hobags.
I didn't really like Gina either though so meh.. this season just needs to hurry up and get to the final 3 already... it's boring me so much.
13 of 20 | Posted by Shollia![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 6, 2007 11:50 PM
Oh my, You have captured the essense of Buble in that screen-shot. I laughed so hard I nearly peed! I'd never seen the man before & now I'll never be able to take him at all seriously after his performance & your article.
Your quick wit & insightful commentary are a balm to our spirits. Thank you Flipit.
14 of 20 | Posted by SparkleEmotion | Posted on April 7, 2007 12:35 PM
Is it just me or are Haley's pants/skirts getting shorter every week? All I can say is Attagirl!
Haley and Sanjaya F2 baby! YEAHH
Great recap Flipit, I would pay for your recaps, they're THAT good.
15 of 20 | Posted by Zharak![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 7, 2007 9:07 PM
I would let Zharak pay for me to read your recaps... there that good!!!
16 of 20 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on April 7, 2007 11:20 PM
The first and last time I voluntarily watched Michael Buble sing he was so badly trained that his phrasing was breaking sentences in half, his breaths were breaking words in half and he was Las Vegas smarmy - and he hadn't even made it to Vegas yet! What a hack. No wonder he was drunk. He knows what a fraud he is and part of his conscience doesn't believe he should be taking other people's money to sing.
I'm still waiting to see the side-by-side photos of Doolittle and Gilbert Gottfried. Perhaps an "If they mated" shot a la Conan O'Brien?
17 of 20 | Posted by Big McLargehuge | Posted on April 8, 2007 12:07 AM
thanks you guys that is a nice early easter gift. LOVE
big mclarghuge (weight issues? holla!) i gave you your pic at the bottom of the recap. i think you have a point there. happy easter, suckas!!
18 of 20 | Posted by Flipit![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 8, 2007 4:00 AM
Hey Flipit. Holla back, I admit to a bit of a weight problem. The name comes from an episode of MST3K. The mighty white hero with muscles lent himself to many manly and hysterical names. See a video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFHlJ2voJHY
And thanks for the photos!!
Better than stale peeps in my Easter basket!
19 of 20 | Posted by Big McLargehuge | Posted on April 8, 2007 1:15 PM
even though it's past it's disposible, junk-food, belch (not your recap, just the show) I still had to come and read, and once again, sooooo F-ing funny!!!!! Flipit you're the best!!!!
And where is that LQ!!!!! Love to ya GF, where eva ya ah (as they say in boston)
20 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 9, 2007 11:03 AM