Anyway, as you've undoubtedly seen here at TVgasm (nudge nudge), American Idol traveled to Pasadena where "thousands" lined up at the Rose Bowl to audition. I say "thousands" because the producers never gave us a final tally. The line certainly looked big, but it was no Memphis or Birgmingham, with their 10,000+ hopefuls cramming for a shot at the title. What is it about the L.A. crowds? People here just don't seem to care as much (case in point: Katharine McPhee's pitiful viewing party).

Well, the numbers may have been slightly low (comparatively), but that just meant a whole bunch of suckers missed out on 2007's most ubiquitous plasticine face: Olivia Newton John. Yes, fresh from appearing on that other talent competition just three nights prior, Olivia was now lending her tautly-pulled opinions to the wannabes at Idol. And in case anyone doubted her ability to fill the sass-shoes of one miss Carol Bayer Sager, Olivia sported a snappy little shirt that read, "It is what it is." You go, girl! Treat your bad self to some more Botox! It is what it is!

Anyway, first up was a guy who turned out to be in retrospect the funniest auditioner in Los Angeles, possibly of the season so far (maybe we'll make a list later on). His name was Martik Manoukian, but he preferred to go be "Eccentric." (He probably spelled it like "Xentrik.") Anyway, Martik wished ever so hard he could be black or latino or anything other than his obviously Armenian heritage. His degree of success depends on how deaf and blind you are. He informed us that "I'm very fiery. I've got fire equalling three men." Note that he boasted about this in a completely non-fiery, listless, borderline catatonic voice.

Martik then promised us he'd get into nearly every performing art field from singing and dancing to directing and producing and choreographing and acting and architecture and marine biology and neuroscience and bus driving and philately. Well, maybe not those last few. However, he did inform us of one certainty: "I will get into modeling." In fact, he's set to appear on the cover of next month's issue of "Manicured Goatee Quarterly."

While all of Martik's aspirations were certainly admirable, they paled next to his greatest talent: mimicking a panther. Yes, this was his ace in the hole. Martik knew the three important elements of being a panther. I couldn't tell you what those elements were because I was too busy laughing, but rest assured that he displayed them all -- being sure to growl like a big cat in the process.

Ultimately, he proclaimed that he was "the most exciting entertainer on planet Earth," and I couldn't disagree. I definitely felt a pure rush when he was on screen -- a strong adrenaline boost that stemmed from my temporary panic that humanity as we knew it might be coming to an end with Martik.

Anyway, Martik entered the audition room silently and dramatically, flinging off his sunglasses, then dropping his jacket, and finally removing his shirt. Did I mention that he was still doing the panther thing. And by "thing," I don't mean simple growls. I mean getting on all fours and moseying up to the jduges' table like a terrible yet wonderful reimagining of a Prince video. Amusingly, Paula totally stared him down, a look on her face that seemed to say, "I totally get him."

Well, Simon eventually interrupted this excellent piece of performance art and requested to hear a song. Happy to oblige, Martik announced he'd be singing his self-penned song (written under the Eccentric name), "Sweetest Princess."