When my eyes opened this morning I felt like I was still dreaming, I was so excited. I called a couple of my Asian fruit flys (or fag hags, or Ling wings) and gassed up the Rav4 for a day of facials, BevMo shopping, and a Target spree. Holy day? Bet your asses! Stefani's in the HOUSE!
Glow sticks? Check. Platforms? Check. Asians? One got sick from her third Krispy Kreme so I kicked her out of my car and left her wandering around West Hollywood, but the other one's asleep on my floor. Norman Rockwell couldn't have painted it sweeter. Hang on tight. THIS! is American Idol!
Tonight's songs are some of Gwen's favorites. They're the songs that inspired her to become HER. She explains that her heroes weren't necessarily the best singers (shocker) in the world. It's more about their funk and their hairpieces. I am genetically inclined to love Gwen and purchase anything she sells me, but I didn't know she was so sweet. She's the girl next door with really high heels and A LOT of makeup. Aw.
She doesn't have much advice to offer LaKisha after hearing her badass rendition of "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Too bad she didn't have any say on the outfit. When KiKi finished, Gwen said she was sweating.
We couldn't see it with the fifty layers of foundation on her face, but I believed her. LaKisha makes me sweat too. I am half in awe of her and half afraid of her. It's the same way I feel about policemen. And babies. She nails the song from beginning to end, and even spices it up this time, straying from the original vocal pattern. She had a perfect, slow beginning, but I was worried about what would happen when the song took off. We've never seen her do an uptempo song and, even more harrowing, she has to sing "let's dance" over and over again. I am seriously afraid of the evil choreographers on this show who tell the kids to run around and jump up and down. Ignore them, LaKisha! She finds a brilliant solution to the dancing problem. Fierce boots. She slaps down those stilettoed heels like she owns the place and when she finally spins around in a few circles near the end, the audience cheers like she did a backflip. To close, she snaps her head around so fast I thought I saw the Blair Witch. Go, LaKisha!
The Judges all agree that she rocked it out. Simon was glad to see her looking 30 years younger and her first uptempo was a solid success. They all seem bored that they have to uniformly praise her, and I get where they're coming from. Give us someone to hate on! This isn't church! As if hearing my plea, the camera cuts to LaKisha's friends from the bank she used to work at. Wow, with her gone that is one pasty bank.
Sligh is up next. Tink asks him a viewer question: What do you do in your down time? He avoids the obvious answer (binge) and tries to remind us that he's funny. "I like crocheting, knitting...playing the bongos in my boxers." Oh, Chris. Stop it! No, really. Stop it. Gwen thinks he has a strong voice, but he needs to stay on rhythm, which he can't seem to do in "Every Little Thing You Do Is Magic". So far, Gwen's coming up short on meaningful suggestions, but her shoes do the talking for her. Be bold! Be brash! Be high! I'm totally gonna take their advice.
He tries to keep the beat. He really does. You can see him thinking hard and stomping his foot, but he's off pretty much the whole time. It doesn't help that the sound guy doubled his voice, making him echo. Someone on this show hates Sligh. He tries to distract us by power-walking the stage like a walk-a-mallie, but it just makes the whole performance more awkward. 
I wanna like Sligh, I really do, but everyone knows any guy with a soul patch is a douche. Especially when it's the only hair that grows on his face. This guy can sing, but this is the third week in a row he's been uncomfortable and boring. Ah, well. At least he's HILARIOUS.
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Comments (28)
Sanjaya is glorious. I haven't watched American Idol since season 3, but I started watching after seeing the youtube video "Starvation for Sanjaya". I'd rather he win (lack of singing abiltiy and crazy hair) than Aww-shucks Doolittle!
I'd say Lakisha is my favorite if I had to pick a serious contestant.
Anyways. Look at this top 12! American Idol is NOT what it used to be! O_O
1 of 28 | Posted by shiaobundan | Posted on March 28, 2007 8:36 AM
"everyone knows any guy with a soul patch is a douche."
AMEN Brutha! That look is so very NOT attractive. I want to go around with some hot wax and help clean those things off the face of the earth.
Gwen doesn't like all the vocal gymnastics. I'm with her on that. I get so tired of people stretching out one note into 12. For the first few seasons of AI it seemed that was a requirement to win. It's funny to see someone advise people against doing that.
Phil Stacy - your eyebrows frighten me. When you have no hair playing up the brows really isn't the way to go.
Flipit - I love your recaps babe!
TinkTM
(accept no substitutes) :)
2 of 28 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on March 28, 2007 9:15 AM
Another incredible recap. Loved the Weezy Jefferson references.
3 of 28 | Posted by soflat | Posted on March 28, 2007 9:38 AM
First the good: another great recap. I think your AI recaps are my favorites on the site right now.
Now the constructive criticism: sometimes your images cover up your text and/or the paging links. What's up with that?
BTW, I recorded whatever show you were on last week to check you out. You look nothing like the obese girl I had thought you were!
4 of 28 | Posted by aholic
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Posted on March 28, 2007 9:39 AM
Flipit, this recap ROCKED! Your recaps are the only thing saving this season of AI for me. I enjoy them more than the show.
I think my jaw stayed on the floor for most of Sanjaya's song. O- My- Dear- God... gay mop! And Paula is right, you can't sport a doo like that and have this little itty bitty soft voice. He must of thought he could distract us with the doo so we wouldn't notice the sucky performance. And you know he musta been practicing that line he gave to Simon many many many times. Shoulda maybe practiced the song, Sanjaya- focus on your song!!!
Chris Sligh probably will go and hopefully will be able to get onto Celebrity Fit Club after this. Please Chris... I know there must be a hawt guy in there under all that blub and curls. I askin' for your health and for your Mrs.
Hailey... after AI just join Miss USA pagent or something. That's what all of her performances remind me of.
5 of 28 | Posted by MrsC
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Posted on March 28, 2007 9:42 AM
This is the most fun season of AI ever! Almost everybody sucks and the few who don't are weird looking and/or have no personality! I love the proverbial elephant in the room regarding Sanjaya. Watching the judges (especially Simon) struggle to find the words to say "I know you're here only to spite me and my cheesy TV show, but I have to pretend that I don't know thats why you are here", sure makes for some great television!
6 of 28 | Posted by ccknows
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Posted on March 28, 2007 11:10 AM
you did not miss Gwen on the show.... they could have used the same clip of Gwen watching each Idol sing and replay it each time... Oh, wait , they did that. She really added nothing and if these songs were her 'favs' she listens to sucky music. Donna Summer.... crap. please entertain me.....
I feel this show lacked this week because of the music choice... and jordin wanting to sing Gwen should have gone with the banana song..... ehh... Chris or Haley are going I think... but I was wrong last week...and the week before that..... so maybe it is Sungina after all!!!
Fast work there Flipit.... get some sleep....
7 of 28 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on March 28, 2007 11:43 AM
Absolutely hilarious recap, the "gay mop" thing had me literally holding my sides and howling with laughter. Thanks for a much needed cheering up!
8 of 28 | Posted by missrhodeisland
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Posted on March 28, 2007 12:08 PM
I was #8, BTW. Stupid typekey.
9 of 28 | Posted by AC | Posted on March 28, 2007 12:09 PM
Man, why didn't Sanjaya sing "Hollaback Girl?" That would've been sweet.
10 of 28 | Posted by Darth Wader
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Posted on March 28, 2007 1:13 PM
I also loved the Ross Gellar keyboards on "Hey Baby." Did anybody find those totally weird and out of place?!
11 of 28 | Posted by Darth Wader
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Posted on March 28, 2007 1:34 PM
guys thanks for a great afternoon! aholic: i follow the pic guidelines, but i freak the system out because i put so many images in the posts, the page dividers get confused. i would just chill on the pics, but photoshop is really fun. i'll try to figure it out today. LOVE
12 of 28 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on March 28, 2007 1:41 PM
If it's a choice between wonky page breaks or less pictures - I vote wonky page breaks.
13 of 28 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on March 28, 2007 1:48 PM
I'm starting to get bored with Melinda, and she seems slowly to be morphing into Linda Hunt.
Getting voted off might be the best thing for Chris Sligh, as he seems to double in size with each passing week.
14 of 28 | Posted by JTContinental
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Posted on March 28, 2007 2:21 PM
Flipit --
Hysterical recap. Completely unhinged, of course, but hysterical.
That's all; loved it --
15 of 28 | Posted by Lime23 | Posted on March 28, 2007 2:54 PM
Great recap Flipit, and kudos for getting it in before tonight's results. A little bitchy toward Ms. Stefani, aren't we? I thought Gwen looked gorgeous.
It was kind of funny having a girl who came up as a singer in a garage band give vocal advice, since she is not what anyone would consider objectively a great singer (even though I love No Doubt and like most of her solo stuff). Although girlfriend certainly can give advice on making hits.
I don't know if it was the played-out Donna Summer stuff or if I'm just getting tired of them, but both LaKisha and Melinda bored me last night. I have to say Gina had the best performance of the night, with Jordin a close second. She's GAP Goth but she's a really pretty girl.
I agree Haley is very beauty pageant-y.
Everyone talks about Sanjaya getting votes from India. Is there a gay Idol voting bloc? This kid is so terrible, how can you not love him? I hope he wins the whole thing. His fauxhawk looked like a horse's mane. He should have just strapped on a saddle and some assless chaps and get it over with.
Sligh, it was fun, but you're so done with tonight.
16 of 28 | Posted by JasonR
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Posted on March 28, 2007 3:10 PM
flipit baby... you forgot the SeaTink picture in the recap..... I miss the little fairy guy...
17 of 28 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on March 28, 2007 3:55 PM
Gwen Stefani added nothing of value to this show at all. At least Miss Ross said something, of course it was alot of BS, but she coached these losers, instead of acting like an spoiled Orange County snotrag.
I think that chubby guy with the brillo hair is outta there. I hope Sanjaya wins. His album couldn't be any worse than Taylor Hicks?
KH
So not a fan of Stefani!
18 of 28 | Posted by katieshole | Posted on March 28, 2007 3:56 PM
Loved it Flipit! I'm sooo annoying my coworkers with guffaws and cackles!
19 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 28, 2007 4:19 PM
and yay! I can finally post again!!!! Oh how I've missed you all . . . .
20 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 28, 2007 4:20 PM
Great to see you again Judd :)
21 of 28 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on March 28, 2007 6:58 PM
Am I the only poster that noticed your pot plant? ROTFLMFAO and weezy. you slay me. jeeze....the asian ladies on krispy kreme... my god i just want to hug you for making me laugh so friggin hard. thank you, really needed that laugh.
22 of 28 | Posted by deb-s0-bored | Posted on March 28, 2007 7:24 PM
#14-
It was 90's week. That song came out in 2005.
23 of 28 | Posted by Rock Star
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Posted on March 28, 2007 7:41 PM
Ah crap. I was #30, sorry about that. I'm to used to being REQUIRED to sign in. :P
24 of 28 | Posted by Smoke_Rulz
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Posted on March 29, 2007 1:28 AM
Rock Star (#29), perhaps you did not catch my sarcasm?!
25 of 28 | Posted by Darth Wader
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Posted on March 29, 2007 8:01 AM
Thanks for the defense Anonymous (#33 & #34)! Yeah, I'm pretty sure this was No Doubt/Gwen Stefani week as well as artists that influenced Gwen Stefani. Don't remember anyone saying 90's. But even so, I was still being sarcastic about Sanjaya singing "Hollaback Girl" (the worst song of all time).
Also, The Cure is awesome and although "Love Song" is not my favorite Cure song (Just Like Heaven, Pictures Of You, Close To Me, Friday I'm In Love, Catch...to name a few!), it was still great to hear someone sing it. Good job Blake!
26 of 28 | Posted by Darth Wader
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Posted on March 29, 2007 12:50 PM
Boring? maybe, but head and shoulders is the best singer to come out of idol in a looong time...
27 of 28 | Posted by roleepolee
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Posted on March 29, 2007 6:46 PM
"go pollinate some shit" Spit-take!
Could you please put up side by side photos of Melinda Doolittle and Gilbert Godfried cuz I think they were seperated at birth.
28 of 28 | Posted by Big McLargehuge | Posted on April 3, 2007 8:07 AM