A lot has happened on the planet since Tuesday's episode. The pony hawk swept the nation, Cover Girl's stock went up by 70%, and millions of little boys all over the world became men when their balls dropped at the sight of Gwen Stefani pumping it in extreme platforms during her video montage. And that was just in one day! Wow, this show works fast.
I was pretty sure when I got in bed with my bottle of Stoli and my girls I knew who was gonna get the boot tonight, but that didn't make it less fun. You weren't surprised when Saddam got hung in that barn, but you popped a bag of popcorn and gathered 'round CNN with the family to watch him dangle anyways. As it should be. This is America! And THIS. Is American Idol!
Tink starts off the night by flying onstage with a pony hawk. Oh, Tink! You're a riot! The wig actually made him look manlier. Go figure. After force feeding us clips from Tuesday night (did anyone really need to hear Sligh massacre the Police again? Way to kick a guy while he's down, Tink!), we are treated to this week's Wild West Ford Commercial! Yaaaayyyy!!! My Ling Wings asked me about the Wild West. I told them it was a time of peeing outside, walking everywhere, and slavery. They cried, so I slapped them and sent them to 7-11 to buy me a Milky Way. Like slavery's my fault.
In the video, Chris R was a bad guy and all these cowboys hunted him down and made him wash their cars. What kind of Wild West is this? They should have punched out his teeth, said cocksucker a lot and hung him by his fingernails in the town square. Don't these producers watch Deadwood? All the kids looked cute in their little cowboy outfits, and it was awesome that even in the Wild West, Mustangs look totally gay.
Time to begin results! Blake and LaKisha are safe, and when Powder stands up, he's smiling from ear to ear, getting ready to hear he's safe. Sorry, buddy. His smile is instantly gone and I crack up. So does his inch of base. Doolittle and Chris R are safe, and so is Pony Hawk. I heard the groans and giggles around the country, but we can't really be shocked. He'll be around at least another few weeks. Wacky hair goes a long way with untalented people. Ask Carrot Top. Haley is the next to be called out in the bottom three. I hope you learned a lesson this week, Haley Ho. If you're gonna give us crotch shots, trim!
Before we find out anything else, it's time for the Idol Challenge! They cut to the winner from last week. You may ask yourself, who is paying multiple dollars for entries in this "contest"? Well, from what I can tell so far, lots and lots of middle aged women. Something fishy's goin on here. I can't put my finger on it just yet, but I suspect there's a producer with a waddle fetish on the loose. Tonight's question is, what contestant was dubbed the Velvet Teddy Bear? Oh, shoot. That's a tough one.
I'm voting for JHud. She's winning everything this year.
Gwen comes out in her white high ass pumps and sings "Sweet Escape". I haven't heard her sing live in awhile and I gotta hand it to my girl. She stayed on key! And I am sure it will please you to know that Gwen's no hypocrite. She stuck to that melody like stink to a hobo. Even if you hate Gwenny, you have admit that the girl gives it her all. She bounces, pounces and gyrates, and she brings a whole circus with her. Maybe Sanjaya would be better with some choreography and an Asian parade surrounding him, but somehow I doubt it. I have two Asians, and all they do is make me look fatter. And get me candy. Thanks, Lings! During the performance, Sligh stands in the back doing a horrible job of pretending everything's ok.
Sligh is called onstage to stand next to Haley and Phil, and Phil is allowed to sit back down. His powers save him again, but I am thankful to America for taking him down a notch. Tink asks the Judges who they think is out tonight, and the only person who gives a real answer is Simon. "Bye bye, Curly." How rude. He's right, of course, and Sligh's girlfriend looks pissed. She married a fat talented loser. Great. That's gonna buy a lot of diapers. I feel sad. Does this mean chubby's not back? WHY GOD?
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Comments (19)
Chipotle mayo, mmmmmmm.
1 of 19 | Posted by geewits![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on March 30, 2007 2:16 AM
Flipit - where have you been all my life? Your biting commentary and wit have me in stitches. Will you marry me? Or at least share the asians?
Great recaps to a shitty season of AI - you make it bearable. Thanks!
2 of 19 | Posted by Jelliepair | Posted on March 30, 2007 6:25 AM
I LOVE SANJAYA!!
COME ON AMERICA VOTE FOR THE WORST!!
3 of 19 | Posted by Marty | Posted on March 30, 2007 6:28 AM
You haven't heard Gwen sing live in a while? Well, you didn't hear her sing live on Wednesday night either! Take a closer look - she lip-synced the whole damn song! On a singing competition, no less!
4 of 19 | Posted by BobbyP | Posted on March 30, 2007 7:12 AM
Is it just me, or does Phil look like Vanilla Ice in his Hollywood a-hole screencap?
Otherwise, I normally agree with Flipit's "Powder" comparisons. This seems like a pretty weak season so far, talent-wise...
5 of 19 | Posted by Samboomba![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on March 30, 2007 7:44 AM
I think the picture of Phil that Flipit used looks like Jack Nickelson this week... Jack 30 tears ago... but with the makeup and lighting..... yeah, a dashing young Jack.
6 of 19 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on March 30, 2007 7:53 AM
HAHAHAHA! Awesome.
Gwen cannot sing. Love the girl to death, but she can't. I used to be a "Gwen-a-be" back in middle school. I remember getting in a fight with my middle school boyfriend because he said: "OMG! Gwen Stefani can't sing. She's horrible!" I thought he was mean/crazy and almost broke up with him to the tune of "Don't Speak" because of it. Oh, seventh grade. How I miss you.
Did anyone notice the "white girl riffs" Gwen tried to pull at the end. And what exactly is Akon's purpose in the song?
7 of 19 | Posted by AC | Posted on March 30, 2007 8:13 AM
http://www.hollywoodsquared.com/
urging you not to vote for Sanjaya.
8 of 19 | Posted by Sweatbandman | Posted on March 30, 2007 9:21 AM
Okay, I don't know if Gwen lipsynced like some of you are saying... but, either way, she sucked! That was so hard to listen to. Girl can't sing live, her music is all in the production, and she shouldn't be coaching people period!
And long live Sanjaya!
9 of 19 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on March 30, 2007 10:35 AM
If Vote For the Worst really wanted you to do that, wouldn't Alaina still be around?
10 of 19 | Posted by Rock Star![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on March 30, 2007 12:33 PM
OMG, Flipit!!!! My coworkers are getting a contract on you, so sick of my guffaws are they!!!! I'm picking Jhud too!!!!
11 of 19 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 30, 2007 1:06 PM
Am I the only one who's sad to see Sligh go? He is a VERY good vocalist. A true talent! Instead he leaves us and we're stuck with a JT wannabe who can't sing for shit, a hipster doofus who actually admits to the fact that 311 is his favorite band (!), Alien Penis head who wears way too much make up, and Sanjaya...
What next, Doolittle to be gone next week???
12 of 19 | Posted by roleepolee![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on March 30, 2007 1:39 PM
Sligh sucks! He has a decent tone, but can't stay on rhythm to save his life. He definitely deserved to go. But then again, he didn't want to stay anyway(as I just read on Drudge), so maybe he sabotaged himself. Either way, I already don't miss him.
13 of 19 | Posted by saabotage | Posted on March 30, 2007 2:55 PM
Stefani should of been voted out. I never understood her appeal. Other than looking like Madonna.
Stefani sucks. I can't think of one song of hers I actually liked.
Phil Stacey still frightens me, in a serial killer kind of way...
KH
Captain of Team Sanjaya!
14 of 19 | Posted by katieshole | Posted on March 30, 2007 3:57 PM
Oh Flip! I think Gwen was lip synching too. She looked good though but I thought she sounded awful.
I'm glad that the other Chris wasn't in the bottom three. I like the little Timberfake.
juddfan- HOLLA! nice to see you back. :)
15 of 19 | Posted by zoobabe | Posted on March 30, 2007 5:52 PM
If Sanjaya wins, we're all screwed. Simon has said that he'll quit if this happens. And the producers think his win will lead the show to Jump The Shark.
16 of 19 | Posted by nerrawllehctim![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on March 30, 2007 7:12 PM
WHO DID SANJAYA'S HAIR? WHO IS THE HAIRDRESSER? HE SHOULD RECEIVE A MEDAL FOR CREATIVE PR AND TALENT.
WHY ISN'T HE GETTING SOME OF THE SPOTLIGHT TOO?
17 of 19 | Posted by TonyB | Posted on March 31, 2007 3:33 PM
I hear that the hairdresser for American Idol is DEAN BANOWETZ. They should bring him out on stage to receive an applause from the audience for creating such a great "do" on Sanjaya and all the past and present Idols.
18 of 19 | Posted by TonyB | Posted on March 31, 2007 3:36 PM
"If Sanjaya wins, we're all screwed." Nerrawllehctim, I hope you are a 12 year old girl, or Eric the Midget because that sounds so pathetic. How is your life "screwed" if Sanjaya wins a reality show? Simon is right. It doesn't matter what he says anymore. What he says is insignificant. He does not control American Idol, Howard Stern and his fans do. "PLEASE VOTE FOR SANJAYA!" - Eric the Homophobic Midget
19 of 19 | Posted by chief113![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 1, 2007 6:34 AM