This week American Idol drops in on Charleston, South Carolina, home of the Morris Island Lighthouse and some of the greatest golf courses in the country. Not to mention a mean pepper steak at any of the 17 local area Waffle Houses. Does Charleston bring it? Let's find out after this here jump, ya'll.
You're a dumbass.
Ryan Seacrest lets us know that more than 10,000 people showed up to audition in Charleston. All of them were polite and genteel, except the 9,847 bitches that somehow snuck through.
First up this episode is supposed to be Oliver Hymen. Oliver's last name may have one, but his wife sure doesn't since she's 37 weeks pregnant and picks the most inopportune time to have her water break. This golf loving, obvious P-whipped adorable cub has to leave the auditions to begrudgingly take his wife to the hospital hoping to return after his wife poops out the baby.
Women and their problems...
Rashad Henderson, an unemployed late 1970's Michael Jackson impersonator, came up from Atlanta to audition and from his running man dance I can already tell this isn't going to go well. His friends call him the black Clay Aiken but this guy isn't hiding his homosexuality nearly as well. Rashad chooses to sing "I Can't Make You Love Me," a lovely subdued ballad from fire-haired songstress Bonnie Raitt, but Rashad puts some stank on it! He belts out the song like Michael Bolton with a cattle prod in his urethra. The judges all feel that his performance was over the top and could benefit from some soothing chamomile tea. Rashad leaves to post a message about his experience on his Claymate fanpage message board while teasing out his fro.
You can't even make me tolerate you, boner.
Next up is DeAnna Privett who looks like Christina Ricci after a weekend bender in Reno. Deanna is a waitress from the same small town as country girl and tone def minx Kelly Pickler. Deanna said she likes Kelly's songs but unlike Kelly, Deanna can't strut around in high heels because of the Privett family curse of bird-like ankle bones.
When she walks in the room, Simon takes a moment to ask DeAnna who are the worst customers in her restaurant. Deanna insists that the all-you-can-eat-lovers on Sunday are the worst because they demand a lot and give her a dollar when she's done, like a hooker in Beijing. Deanna sings "Fancy" by another fire-haired crooner, Reba McEntire. Obviously the fact that the CW's Reba has run for 19 seasons has pissed of DeAnna too, since she violently rumbles through the song with her brows furrowed using 1980's inspired "power fists." All three judges pass on DeAnna and she exits with a frustrated eye roll before heading back to the Old Country Buffet for her double shift.
More rolls, please.
Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark arrive at the auditions together having met where all ugly people meet: on the American Idol message boards. Crystal and Randy come into the audition room together to sing "She's More" by Andy Griggs. The song is a duet about lowering your standards and settling for someone that's only mildly decent when you can't get anyone better. It's kind of their song. Randy cuts them off in the middle and insists that the song was pure torture and watching them kiss wasn't any better. The judges congratulate them on their relationship but turn them down for a trip to Hollywood.
I would like to thank you in advance for the butt ugly children you're gonna make the rest of us deal with.
Brother and sister team Michelle and Jeffrey Lampton are next and I'm already terrified based on their freestyle song and dance number for Ryan. KFC enthusiast Jeffrey proves that he's a party animal by wearing a necktie around his head, obviously unable to find a lamp shade. Future Cops witness Michelle is the more subdued of the two but no less annoying.
The pair choose to sing "I'm Your Angel" by R. Kelly and Celine Dion and in my opinion neither have the vocal ability or affinity for watersports. Simon surprisingly gives high marks, ranking Jeffrey above Michelle, but saying he likes both of them. Randy approves Jeffrey but feels Michelle is needed more at the late shift at Dunkin Donuts than in Hollywood. Paula surprisingly disagrees and approves both as does Simon. They're going to Hollywood!
Good to see ReRun found someone. Must be the tie.
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Comments (11)
Jocks and Cocks4 looked much better than Aretha's rack - god that frightened me and made me snort Diet Coke out my nose!
As always excellent recap Fozzie!
1 of 11 | Posted by krut | Posted on January 24, 2008 9:33 AM
Dammit, Fozzie, your screen caps made me choke on the leftover taters and gravy I was eating for lunch.
2 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 24, 2008 10:54 AM
"during her speech I had anonymous sex twice"...loved this! Simon rightfully called that girl out on how annoying she is, and I'm truly hoping she doesn't make it to the voting stage because every Bible thumper in the country will continually vote for her..
3 of 11 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on January 24, 2008 10:56 AM
fozzie! I am so excited you're joining Flipit and Tvo in the AI recaps!!! So very excited for this season now!!!
Have to say, lots of good ones this time, Hollywood week should be great!
I did find the 16 yr old annoying, but young . . . it's funny how Simon thinks one week in Hollywood will change her . . . uh, Simon, she ain't legal and she's a virgin! I still love that song she sang, what a sap!
And lastly, well hmm . . . are you in the valley, Fozz, cause I needed some anonymous sex too--was that you!?
4 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 24, 2008 11:36 AM
Ps. I was digging some Oliver too . . . bummer . . . haven't had a hot one for me on this show since Matt Rogers (who is now on TLC or Discover or whatev, on "Really Big Things"
Bet Ryan is watching with one hand on the remote . . . I'm just sayin'
5 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 24, 2008 11:39 AM
Hey Judd,
I'm not sure. That might have been you. I never open my eyes during anonymous sex because I don't want to open them and see that it's somebody I know. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? I doubt it was though since I'm in New York, but I do get around.
Also, is Matt Rogers that big, sexy bear guy who sang opera? If so, he was such a bohunk mountain of a man. I like anything I can climb on.
6 of 11 | Posted by fozziebare13 | Posted on January 24, 2008 1:03 PM
whoops . . . I mean, of course I was joking, I mean, I knew you were in NY and you know, I was just pretending I had hot anonymous sex with y . . .I mean, some one around the same time as the virgin teen queen . . .
and yes, I think Matt would fit that description, tho he didn't sing opera--look him up on Google, he was the only contestant to fire me up in all these seasons!
7 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 24, 2008 1:35 PM
Ahhhhh, yes! That's totally him. For some reason I vaguely remember him singing an alto opera number at his audition but that may just be my fantasies getting away with me. He was certainly a hunk of a bear of a mountain of a redwood of a man. I can see why he did things to your fire. Same here.
8 of 11 | Posted by fozziebare13 | Posted on January 24, 2008 2:20 PM
He sang "Just Once" but he really belted it, and they showed it reverberating through the door, which sounded a tad opera-ish, so I can see your confusion.
Check out "Really Big Things" if you have a chance, he's very jovial and helps do a lot of the butch tasks featured on the show--and it's also informative, no really, I don't just watch it to see if he appears in any wet shorts or diving suits--honest!!!
At the time he was on the show, Tink had an interview show, and he had him on, and I swear they were playing footsie--I was so jealous!!!
9 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 24, 2008 3:16 PM
"Aretha is sent home in the loving arms of her waiting gang member."
Thank you! That guy looked so out of place there. I was waiting for him to pull out his gat. I loved when Aretha walked in the room and you could see the shock on the judges faces and Paula muttered "Oh, my Lord." when she saw those gigantic dirty pillows.
And that Joshua kid needed his ass kicked. Why was he singing that DREAMGIRLS song? That's a woman's song, dude. What a freak!
10 of 11 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on January 24, 2008 6:22 PM
Wow - just with the first photo caption I knew I was going to like this recap!
So, I've come to realize that I am just like these dumbasses that think they are the next Mariah - I mean I know I can't sing, but I LOVED Oliver Hyman - then I realized - OMG I must be tone deaf too...oh well.
Oh, and I have to comment on AC Amy Catherine, or whatevs - I bet that girl bangs more teenagers than a Catholic priest on Sunday!
11 of 11 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 25, 2008 6:57 AM