The show begins with Ryan nearly stumbling down some steps as he happily waves to the audience and welcomes America back to the cheesiest talent show on Earth. He seems extra bubbly tonight, which may explain why he's unfazed by his little misstep. It may also explain why his tie is crooked too (then again, knowing Seacrest's penchant for over-anticipating fashion trends, he probably thinks it's cool to have the knot off center). Anyway, our beanpole host tells us that the show registered over 47 million votes last night, more than any other non-finale episode ever. To put that in perspective, Big Brother only culled about five million votes last summer, and that was their record (and yes, that included internet voting too).

Once we're done marveling on all the votes (about .36 seconds later), we take a glimpse at our idols. Everyone looks pretty good. Katharine has slipped out of her banana peel dress and into the more casual blouse and jeans ensemble. Elliot also has traded out his designer duds for a dorky shirt that makes his arms look skinny strange. And Taylor, I don't know what's up with him. His hair looks whiter than ever. It's like someone sifted flour on it about ten seconds prior.

Ryan then asks the judges about the previous night's show, and in a rare move, Simon takes back his harsh criticism of Katharine. He says that upon further review, he was way too hard on her. She sounded different and better on tape, and it was unfair the way he came down on her. Randy also chimes in that he agrees. Aw, that's nice guys, and I'm sure Katharine will really appreciate that if she gets voted off tonight. Thanks!

By the way, Paula doesn't retract any statements. Why? "I've never been harsh!" she says from under a pile of dark beads she has draped around her neck. She kind of looks like a fortune teller. A fortune teller on Vicodin. Simon then interrupts Paula's babble to create the awkward moment of the night. Yes, he asks if Paula and Ryan ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER! Ryan gulps and nervously says yeah, yeah, yeah. He then tries to recover by smiling and tossing to the recap of last night. Good save!

We watch as the kids meet Andrea Bocelli all over again, and in the background, one of his songs plays, making the entire montage seem like an olive oil commercial. Eventually, I simply fast forward through the recap until the judges return to the screen. Ryan stands behind them and says they're just one big dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional is an understatement when you've got Looney Tunes Abdul sitting at the table. Nevertheless, Paula happily reads Ryan's cue card, clearly stating, "The results after the break!" It's the first phrase in over three years that she hasn't slurred and stuttered through. Bravo! I like to think this moment of lucidity is just the eye in her hurricane of craziness.

"Pretty hands!"

"Pretty pretty hands!"

"Yay!"