I watch a lot of television. Many would say entirely too much television. And yet, this is somehow my very first episode of American Idol. I'm no TV snob - I loves me some America's Next Top Model, and don't get me started on Scott Baio - I just kind of never managed to watch more than three minutes of this show. So I hope to provide a unique perspective. Now, I'm not entirely oblivious. Naturally some information has trickled down to me in that weird pop culture osmosis kind of way. For example:
- Randy says "Dawg" a lot.
- Simon is a bitch, and/or desperately in love with Ryan Seacrest.
- Paula Abdul is a tiny adorable crazy person who spouts kind but frequently incoherent praise at pretty much everybody.
- In general, people take themselves very, very seriously.
- Ryan Seacrest is a tool, but he's really good at his job, and charming in that way that makes you not know if you want to punch him in the teeth or make out with him. Also, he likes gay jokes.
What a coinkidink! I do too!
So that's what I'm working with here.
I thought that since we've moved on to the actual competition part of the competition that I might have missed all the Crazy. I had not. And I pretty much know how this whole things works, i.e., more camera time = probably relevant later, so we'll follow that formula here. Off we go!
Apparently this is a year of firsts for American Idol. The contestants they like get a free pass, like a bye week in the NFL. But the ones whose spirits they break right there in front of God and everyone? Those guys get another shot this time around. This is also the first year the contestants are allowed to use instruments, which, like the rotating Carousel Bar in New Orleans, is somehow both the worst idea ever and the awesomest idea ever.
So the very first person to play a fake piano on American Idol is...Brooke White! She's pretty and nice and seems like the kind of person who'd sign an Abstinence Pledge in high school. She sings a song called "Beautiful," which is not the one by Christina Aguilera OR James Blunt (see above re: pop culture osmosis). Anyway, Simon likes her Carly Simon/Carole King thing she's got going and everyone agrees, so yay Brooke.
Time to celebrate! Have a drink!
You guys, there are like eleventy billion of these kids to sit through. No wonder Simon is on his period all the time and Paula can't bring herself to show up sober. I couldn't either, Paula. Anyway, Ryan Seacrest tells us that the whole "musical instrument" thing didn't work out especially well for some of them. So we get what I suspect is a regular feature on American Idol: the Montage of Shame. The moral of the story is this: if you're not especially good at the guitar, maybe don't give Simon more ammunition with which to make you cry quietly into your Hollywood Best Western pillow tonight.
One guy even plays the drums. Like, an entire drum set. Even Ryan Seacrest is all "Really? DRUMS?" It is not well received. Picking "Hooked on a Feeling" didn't do him any favors either. And then this next guy is doing exactly the sort of thing that makes me want to pull my ears off, which is that Christina Aguilera "oouuhhuugggughuuugh" thing where they turn every syllable into seventeen, and they love him. Love him! Fascinating.
They also love Amanda, the Rock 'N' Roll Nurse From Atlanta. That's a catchy name, Amanda. Touching music plays as Ryan Seacrest pesters her about the car accident she was just in last week. I like her because she can speak in complete sentences and is shaped like a girl. Also, she does have a nice deep growly Janis Joplin voice, but Simon and I agree that she should maybe think about toning it down a little.
And wear a seat belt.
Next Montage of Shame: people forgetting lyrics. Their humiliation oozes out of the television and into the pit of my stomach. This is not for the faint of heart.
Ghaleb, from Venezuela, by which I mean, Benethuela, touches everyone too much, literally, and I kind of feel like I could get scabies just by looking at him. I think he's kind of awful, and not just because he picked that Bryan Adams song from Robin Hood. They all agree that he didn't do as well as he did in Miami.
« My Fair Brady: Mommie Dearest | | Project Runway: Oh, Man. That is Soooo 1616. »
Comments (9)
Loula...since you're new to the AI show, I'll give ya a little background.
In round one of Hollyweird week, the contestants are given a very limited number of songs from which to choose. The songs selected by the producers are intended to be pieces the contestants are less likely to know, forcing the kids to learn something new. They practice in groups the night before. This is why there are melodic mutilations and tragic lyric-forgetting moments. (Adds to pressure...adds to drama...great T.V.)
The subsequent rounds give the kids a pool of around 200 songs from which to choose. The pool is inexplicably heavy on syrupy crap that no singer in their right mind would willingly gravitate to. So it isn't soo much a great affection for Bryan Adams as an inability to escape from him that causes the performers to choose him.
Great recap...and welcome to the AI obsession.
1 of 9 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 15, 2008 11:22 AM
"Does every episode of American Idol consist of 10% singing, 10% crying, 5% bitchy huffing, and 75% montage? "
LOL
I am a relatively new AI fan and I didn't know about the song pool either. That totally makes sense, I knew it had to be something like that.
Great recap, my feelings were echoed throughout.
2 of 9 | Posted by Sweetleaf | Posted on February 15, 2008 12:20 PM
Your comment about poor Kyle looking like a Owen Wilson/Screech hybrid was hilarious! Probably because it was true. Can't wait for the season to really begin next week!
3 of 9 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on February 15, 2008 12:47 PM
Well done, Loula! It's fun to get the newbee's observations. Paula continues to harden, and later, gives many cuts! Perhaps the morning needle wears off by the panel time . . .
I have more to say about who they later pick, but I will say, Angela was robbed!!!
I'm kinda liking all the gays this time around, They's more out too! I totally thought Idol was anti-gay, but this season is def a dif.
I'm glad they gave them a second chance to conquer the nerves--makes a huge dif really, even by week 3 in the finals, the nerves are lifting and things are improving.
Really, really bummed to see Joey Catalano not make it, to even the top 50--totally wanted to hear more from him!!!! Thanks idol . . . harumph!!!!
4 of 9 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 15, 2008 1:07 PM
juddfan...AI "anti-gay?" Hardly. In Season 1, four out of five of the guys in the top ten were/are gay, and one of the girls...which means 50% of the top ten contestants were gay.
5 of 9 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 15, 2008 2:39 PM
I think the song choices are also limited to songs that do not cost them much (or anything) to air on national television -- either no royalties, or very low ones. (Plus, the band has to know them, too.)
I too hate that Christina Aguilera multi-syllable-when-there-should-be-one thing.
I haven't watched the show in a few seasons, but what with the writer's strike and all, I started watching this week... Looking forward to the recaps!
6 of 9 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on February 15, 2008 2:58 PM
I think they call those notes "runs" or "rifs" or something. They usually just sound pretentious, and if everyone does them, then they are not unique.
I've watched a few years and I think there is a larger pool of good talent than ever.
I also think the judges were determined to weed out any Sanjaya types this year.
Looking forward to the season and to the recaps.
Thanks!
7 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 16, 2008 12:08 PM
Yes, fire@will is right. That "Christina Aguilera thing" is called "runs" or "rifs" and is actually a poor imitation of true soul singers like Aretha Franklin, Al Green, Luther Vandross, etc. Christina admits she's heavily influenced by early Mariah and Whitney (but mostly Mariah) and now every-damn-body (especially white singers) do this crap to show they can really "sing". The only singer under 30 who does this type of stuff well is Beyonce and even she can get annoying with it at times. To hear how a "run"/"rif" is supposed to sound, reference songs sung by the soul singers mentioned above.
Hilarious recap, Loula! I'm almost tempted to watch an AI episode...
8 of 9 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on February 17, 2008 10:40 AM
ditto to the great recap sentiments -- when I read you were a newbie to AI, Loula, my heart sank a little bc I thought you might not get it or your take on the whole train-wreck-that-we-love-to-hate might suck, but you well and truly proved me wrong (!) So, thanks, babe!
I also disagree that AI has been anti-gay - how could they afford to be?! Just bc Simon is mean to Clay (and Ryan)... But Clay is super annoying anyway, not bc he's a closet gay boy.
Actually, wouldn't it be great to see a whole show devoted to our faves -- eg Kelly and Tamara and Fantasia and even Clay and Sanjaya -- showing their first and subsequent auditions?
We only got a glimpse of the pre-makeover, pre-glamification of the horror-show that used to be known as Clay Aiken, and I wanted MORE, dammit!
Also, why can't Chris "Leave Britnee ALONE!" Crocker do a guest appearance?!
And about the cheap songs (I'm talking to you, Bryan Adams) isn't it true Prince doesn't permit anyone on Am Idol to butcher his songs? Anyone?
9 of 9 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 17, 2008 5:38 PM