WHAT!?!? - 
by B-Side
Oh that American Idol. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, some elimination comes along and knocks you cold. You try to act cool. You try to act like you don't really care that much about the show, but inevitably, every season, you find yourself staring at the screen, mouth agape, saying "NO WAY! HOW???" And tonight, my friends, was one of those nights. Why, cruel Idol gods, must you do this to us?
I never thought this results show would be a shocker. Everything seemed to be going along normally as always. There was Ryan, his latest attempt at masculinity failing in the form of a painted-on beard. And there was the lame, over-the-hill musical act trying to connect with a youthful audience. And there were the judges, happily sitting at their panel, enjoying the show. Who knew what drama would later unfold?
The show starts with Ryan still sporting his extra-symbolic and extra-silly beard. It looks just as dumb as last night, except now, it's a shade longer. After the opening credits, he then tells us we'll be seeing highlights from Country Night. I'm confused. There were highlights?
After the montage, Kenny Rogers ambles out -- a vision of Botox and plastic surgery. He's still got his wannabe hip wardrobe going on, which goes quite nicely with Ryan's wannabe hetero facial hair. Our newly hirsute host then asks Kenny if he can make Simon like country music, and when Mr. Rogers asks Simon if he really doesn't like country, Simon says, "I like your songs." Right. I believe that as much as I believe Taylor Hicks isn't collecting AARP insurance.
Anyway, Kenny Rogers sings, and good God, he's been in the business long enough -- you'd think he'd know how to sing into a microphone properly. He holds the thing down by his chest, causing the sound guy to have to crank up the audio just so we can pick up his voice. Unfortunately, at random intervals, he raises the mic up, causing his voice to suddenly blare over the speakers. Oh Kenny Rogers. Too much time was the Roasters.
As expected, Kenny's song is a boring pastiche of adult contemporary and country clichés. It's pretty much terrible. Hey Mr. Gambler -- isn't there such a thing as staying at the table too long? Maybe it's time to pack this little career up and ride into the sunset.
After the performance, we cut to Travis Tritt in the crowd. Wonderful. Meanwhile, up on the stage, the kids all gather 'round Kenny and hug him goodbye. Did Kenny Rogers just get voted off? I didn't even know he was in contention.
We then cut to commercial, and when we return, it's time for this week's ridiculous Ford commercial/video. We see the gang working in a greasy, hardcore motor shop -- doing the whole Pimp My Ride thing to some old car. Elliot's dressed in grunge, Ace is wielding a sledgehammer (don't believe it for a second), and everyone else looks like they've pretty much stepped out of a 1999 music video. At the end of the commercial, the old jalopy is put in a room, a switch is pulled, there's a poof of smoke, and voila! The kids have made a Ford. Fantastic!
Hardcore, man!
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