TVgasm Recaps

**Letter from the Editor: As you know, we have been searching long and hard to put together a roster of fierce writers to keep you out of that god awful sun for the Summer. Inside? Good. Now, please welcome our newest playa to the plate, the one, the only...T.Vo!!

by T.Vo

"It's back! The biggest invention competition in the world -- RETURNS!" I didn't even know there was a first. According to executive producer Simon Cowell, it's the "thinking person's American Idol." He claims these contestants aren't just not a bunch of singers trying to get famous, but, um, isn't "American" synonymous with "trying to be famous"?

They're searching for the next million dollar idea, the next idea to forever change the way we live (like Furby). One finalist from each city will get $50,000 to develop their invention and present it to their judges for the grand prize blah, blah, blah.

Open up with a bunch of crazies - Los Angeles! San Francisco! Chicago! NY! Houston! Tampa! They're everywhere! But who will be the next American Inventor?

This week on American Inventor: I learned why I should have recapped Pirate Master instead.

This week, we visit the Windy City and the Big Apple. Unfortunately, none of our judges have found better things to do with their time and money than this show.

George, SPANX, Pat, and British Man are still richer than you will ever be. On a sidenote, I attended my first arena football game yesterday at the Staples Center (it was a free ticket, I swear). Who pays money to watch arena football? People who would enter American Inventor, that's who. Sadly, I could not purchase a Rowdy Hat (TM) at the game because the inventor was rejected on this very show.

This week on Why Japan Kicks our Ass in the World of Technology: I am sorry to report that our judges have not been replaced with four poo-flinging monkeys. New York has completely failed to live up to expectations (thanks, Black Cougar, for trying). Chicago's going strong. Finalists for the two cities will be announced. The show's gotten so touchy-feely about the pursuit of the American Dream that my viewing experience is ruined. I'm no longer reeling with schadenfreude when I watch an inventor-hopeful get shredded by the judges. And how I love it (see: "pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune") when it comes to reality television. Damn you, American Inventor!

But you know where I can get a dose of mega-awkward ridiculousness and epic schadenfreude that rivals what I feel when I watch reality TV?

Anime Expo at the Long Beach Convention Center. That's right, I said Anime Expo. Don't look at me like that! I can explain.

British Man, we hardly liked ye. RIP.

This week on American Inventor: Holy crap! British Man was attacked and shot by a psychotic (and potentially rabid) contestant who just couldn't cope with the rejection! ABC's rating skyrocketed through the roof, and the show's been canceled to pay the ensuing legal fees!

We are one week closer to someone winning a million dollars and then quickly spiraling downwards into reality-television obscurity. I've decided to put this week's "inventions" to the wedding gift test: If this show claims to choose an invention that will change America, each of these products could potentially be a great wedding gift, right? I'm going to my first wedding of the post-college years today and I would sure as hell not get them anything I've seen on this show. Prior tests of the invention's merit: "Would I be surprised if my dad (a man addicted to ordering random things like fake bronze busts of jazz musicians from catalogues) bought this?" and "Is this something I would regift immediately, complete with its original wrapping?"

Available at Urban Outfitters?

The answer is yes, 'cause this is American Inventor! So guess I'll just buy them something off their Crate+Barrel registry. Congratulations Sarah and Andrew, I just got you a French press. May you have many joyful mornings of bickering over whose turn it is to make the coffee.

That's right, I said TWO hours, not one, of the show that's half-responsible for ABC's lowest season ratings yet. With a measly 2.0 rating, only "The Next Best Thing" scored lower with a 1.9. Even "Lyrics" and "Last Comic Standing" dominated it. Hell, "Dateline" (when isn't that show about double homicides and upstanding citizens who commit unthinkable crimes of passion?) kicked its sorry ass. It barely edged out CBS and CW reruns. How is that even possible?

Duh, this is American Inventor!

Dearest Readers, we have reached the end of a long and arduous journey, one marked by a lot of American flag print shirts, awkward moments tinged with sexual tension, and deluded, potentially psychopathic individuals. We've had old people try to convince us that copper cures all ailments (including avian flu), we've had crazies try to convince us of the merits of Therapy Buddy. Oh yeah, and George Foreman's undying love for basically, everything. Ah, the smell of American Inventor.

This would be the weirdest beauty pageant ever.

But seriously, a three hour finale for ABC's lowest rated show?! What the French toast?